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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

  • extreme

    ok. im gonna try not to post tomorow, idk if i can resist lol. but iv been out of work for almost 2 weeks and its seriously sucking balls. so my mom is letting me clean the entire house instead of pay my phone bill. i have set a few goals for tomorow

    -do not weigh myself

    -do not consume a single solid bite

    -run 1 mile

    -50 pushups

    -200 crunches

    iv decided there is resisting to be done. i must resist the temptation to check the scale and i must resist the temptation to eat. i must resist the temptation to count cleaning as outtake instead of my regular exercise

    my plan:

    7am-wake up, have some coffee, do the dishes

    7:30am-go running, take a shower, get dressed

    8am-clean kitchen, clean bathroom,possibly laundry

    11am-i can make myself a smoothie

    11:15am-clean other bathroom, sweep house

    1pm-i can have a diet dr pepper

    then sweep and dust

    3pm- i can have a popsicle

    hopefully i can prevent consuming crazy amounts of liquid cals if i plan out when i can have anything other than water

    EDIT

    oh guys, youd be so proud of me lol. for the most part i stuck to my plan, tho i did wake up like an hour late. but i did everything on my list. AND

    my mom made me pasta salad for dinner. and i gave up easy BUT she let me take it to my room! so i threw it away despite having already deciding to eat. FINALLY, a fast day complete.

    granted, it was a pretty emo day. i just cry really easy when im fasting. so annoying. also, getting quite lonely. i dont think anyone likes me much.at all.anyone. fuck.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

  • 121.8

    ok. i couldnt even go one day without weighing myself. but the number is reassuring cuz im a pound less than yesterday when i thought id be a pound more.  my body is tired, as always, and my throat hurts like a bitch.

    EDIT

    -1 cup granola

    -1 cup soy milk

    -1 strawberry smoothie

    so. today was pretty shitty actually. i did not get out of dinner because i did not have work, which pissed me off cuz nobody told me my restraunt is till closed so i need not come in. dinner means i have to run and i really am fucking sick of running. my mom bought me frozen yogurt for my smoothies but not the non fat kind so that sucks. i have yet to have an outtake. i cant purge my stupid bowl of granola cuz my stupid throat.

    i think lethargic is kinda a good way to describe how i been feeling. i dont see the point in anything really. i know i should be trying to get out, have fun, distract myself from the ED life.  but i see no point. i see no point in inviting becuz no one will come and even if they did, theres nothing to do. nothing i feel like doing. yesterday i wanted someone to play in the rain with, but wat am i supposed to do today when its not raining? i see no point in txting or calling, no one will answer, and even if they did, theres nothing to say. i have nothing to say. my life is dull and i have nothing to tell of but maybe my intake and outtake. i dont much see the point in living either, but dont care enough to do anything about it.

    im annoyed at myself for being like this, but i see no way to improve myself without first being skinny. i wish i was thin enough to starve myself to death, at least theres some finality there. i dont even know if thats a real word...watever, its not like i care.

    theres not much to look forward to. i have no gas in my car, i cannot go anywhere. i have no money either. i cannot rly look forward to school shopping like i was, cuz im no longer losing and becuz even if i was, i have no money for new clothes. i cant even hardly look forward to snowboarding, the one great thing in my life that makes everything better and that i always enjoy doing no matter what. becuz i do not have money for lift tickets, and i probly wont in come winter anyways. i am always broke.

    i didnt even want my ciggarette today.....wat the fuck is wrong with me. watever. sorry this was long. i'll post my outtake if im not to lazy to do it

    EDIT

    -ran 1 mile

    -50 pushpus

    -200 crunches

Monday, July 21, 2008

  • i want to walk between the raindrops

    i am in  a really good mood, so i decided to do a second entry today.

    i spent most of today reading one of my fav books from middle school [the witches of eileanan]. id forgotten how much i want to be a witch ^.^ then i jumped and danced on the trampoline in the rain all by meself. i really love the rain. i cannot wait til i live in portland. then, i finally finally took a shower [ha] and played dressup in my dark room with only candles for light, and the windows open so i could hear the rain. i tried on all my dresses [which now fit better than they have since i was 15] and my wings and witch hats too. i havent done that in a long time. iv decided i need more dresses, even tho i have no room for more lol. im thinking of going for a walk when the rain lets up, maybe go over to the yoga studio n see if they have a class tonight.

    iv decided i need a new aproach, cuz im feeling a bit stuck. im going to put away my scale for this week [hopefully i can resist] and fast all week. im going to try for only half mile runs everyday [hopefully outside in the early morning] so that i can devote all of my energy into staying pure and consuming only water.im going to take a fucking shower everyday, early lol. so that i am modivated to get dressed, go out, and do things. pushups and crunches will be main outtake so i can work on flattening my stomache and slimming my arms.

    i want to be a teeny tiny witch girl

  • 122

    wat.the.fuck.

    is all i have to say.

    shootmeshootmeshootme

    im water fasting today. im scared tho, cuz i have no modivation to run watsoever. and if i dont run, i dont lose, no matter how little i eat.

    but oh my god. i am so depressed i cant get over it. i took a step backwards. how could i be so stupid

    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 [nope. failed again]

    this started at 8am, because thats when i woke up

    water: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

    today  i must

    run 1 mile

    crunches 100 200 300 400 500

    pushups 10 20 30 40 50

    EDIT

    water fasting is hard. i had some chai tea and a diet dr pepper

    EDIT AGAIN

    ok. fuck. its rly hard to stay in a fucking good mood. i turn emo so fucking fast. my mom made us a sit down dinner, and i did not control myself as i should have.

    -1 piece of buttered toast

    -salad

    -hash browns [wtf]

    afterwards, i felt so upset, i purged. but i waited too long, didnt get much up. AND my throat hurts so bad. its rly scaring me. always the same spot...not the raw kinda hurt that comes after a normal purge...something more like throbbing dull ache, idk. but it sucks adn i needa stop purging.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

  • 121.2

    ok when i wake up tomorow the scale is going to say 120.

    intake:

    -1 cup oatmeal [1 tbsp brown sugar]

    -1 piece of toast

    -2 marshmallows

    -1 rice krispie treat

    outtake

    -ran 1 mile   2 miles  [-303]

    i think im getting sick. like a cold or something. i feel awful. and my ears hurt [wtf?]

    i fealized some stuff today. and it was really depressing. i think its about growing up. i used to always be wanting more. bigger and better things. excitement and spontineity.  now....all i think about is this. the only thing thats really important for me to get out of my day is 1]check scale 2] run 3]dont eat.  

    i cant stand it. i cannot settle for staying here. for staying home. for a simple boring life of nothingness.   i need to get out of here before i lose all desire to live my life. i need to get far far away from here, like i used to dream of every waking hour. yes i still need to not eat. yes i still need to run and lose weight. but whats the point of getting skinny if all im gonna do is lay around. SOMEHOW i need to get some fucking energy to live my life.

    also, iv decided i rly needa stop purging for good. my throat hurts for days after i do it, and i never do it more than once a week, if even that [which is a huge improvement from multiple times a day like i used to].

    EDIT

    my mom asked me to make rice krispie treats today. so i did.  tomorow is a water fast, no matter wat. my body really needs it.

    i wish i was more independent. i wish i didnt feel unwanted, which leads me to be pathetic and needy and attention-hungry.  i wish i was who i used to be. how did i end up broken?