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| What's Going On (in a diminished seventh) There is an excision at the corners of the frame, always present in the minds of those fond of the camera lens
Just like any other art, you tell a lot more by what you don't say
It's why people can't understand Russian novels not really and why men cannot understand women most of the time
Eventually you are left with tired photographs kept fresh and clean by the cogs incessantly turning 'til you stop remembering how you felt in the picture and start wondering whose hand is spun around a beer bottle or why the hell girls from the past ever bothered learning your name
But it isn't supernatural, you were just the best thing around for a little while just as she was. and just a moment ago she stood the air behind her carved in white her hand seeming to tap an invisible cigarette the background bleeding over her chin like smoke
I can't recall anything we might have said to each other, time's ravage starting immediately upon death of any sort (dreaming like something out of Conrad) the reflection in her sunglasses of a sidewalk that slashes through her eyes
And my little brother considers becoming a white pawn on King's row to go where the Shah demands, three square meals a day. and one day dropping roses on a coffin I will see his face smiling up from a perfectly arranged shot an old photo put into a new frame. | | |
| there are questions that you ask yourself am I a mess? why is my toe broken? why are my pants slashed?
because none of the answers will be sufficient we ignore the questions instead and ask new ones
why is vodka bliss? is bliss even something we should want? can I go back to sleep? why do I owe the State fourteen hundred dollars?
do they think I'll ever be able to pay?
questions become less important and really, I'm not sure if I even want to go back to sleep or if unbroken toes are indicative of a Good Life so instead I'll drink the bottle dry (smash it apart and lick the sides until the silence envelopes my eyes) and I always hate life when it rhymes I'd do anything to make a different time where my teeth didn't singe with memories of what I was going to be when I grew up I wonder if there's vodka left and I wonder how I let the simplest drug beat me
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| run away, she says oh, she's gone again. so run up the stairs wait for the thousandth drink super-wasted on life what the hell kind of flowers are those anyway
it is easy to hide behind religion or intelligence or malevolence
less easy, to drink bad beer and wonder at how bad the world could be "it's always preferable to hang out with coke-heads, their only theory is 'what if we had more coke?' "
what about, "what if there was peace?" or "what if there was no more poverty?" thanks, I'd rather work myself off. at least I've got practice the world would probably screw up somewhere in there and cause something to explode
something that humble as I am I have managed to avoid like tackling big issues on a light-beer heavy-grass night
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| running out of lazy cigarettes trailing out the thoughts of eighteen year old gear-heads that seemed nice for five minutes so I think again about having a drink and shake my head no
she had this painting on the wall abstract I suppose it looked like the whole movie of Pan's Labyrinth we listened to Chopin in the morning took turns quoting the Doc in Tombstone and then it came
to a gear-head cocaine comes in two strengths hard and soft any other word you'll never hear a guy comes to her door and she goes with him to her room comes back to talk to me about childhood prodigies she was supposed to be an artist she said and burns up another rock and jesus I felt like crying when she said she believed that God would save her
from what? from abominable choice getting rocks from men who did not care for her in exchange for their's no one is cheated but no one gets anything, either
it's a morality tale but I wish there were a better way to tell it wished in those moments that I could shower her with kisses that missed her mouth give her five thousand dollars to destroy herself, kissing her hands all the way saying "my dear friend, my dear friend, how sorely life has treated you."
but instead I tell her that I'd rather not do mouth-mouth shotguns with her and feel the smallest bit of my tiny soul splitting off to join her feel the insanity building: that when I am successful I will rescue her from that life but it's a lie no salvation for any of us not in that gearbox so I wait till I leave the door and say goodbye and light another cigarette, this one manic and furious and quickly light another to hold in the other hand and the next guy to knock in the hall I stare at, hard
and he leaves the door she wouldn't be thankful, I don't think but I've got sixteen more cigarettes and I'm damned already but I'm working on it
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| I sent a girl a vile message the other day. To the best of my knowledge, she's not read either part of Notes, and so she'll misunderstand my intent. But, I could be mistaken. (cue in High Fidelity quote, "you can be, and are, wrong")
a poem I wrote the other day was about the plight of man or something stupid like I love you and not only the Sinatra song
some people have hearts like bars of soap and some have hearts that warm frigid steel "get a real job" Jenny tells me "keep the sun on your shoulders"
I had a tan once and girls liked me then I lost it and they still liked me I was nice and got their kisses, cruel and kept their love; and Lord knows I loved them all as well as I could
it's foolish to think that the devil isn't an optimist girls flawless in stockings and no make-up and searching vainly on the floor for a pebble that will crucify them some stories have happy endings
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