So I just wrote this long long entry about how happy I am right now.. then it got deleted.. but im still happy!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever been so happy that you can't even contain yourself and every little thing just makes you so happy that you wanna dance? Well today I have been filled with JOY.. If I didnt know me i'd probably think I was intoxicated or something, but im not.. im just in a GREAT mood! You wanna know what put me in this mood? Well you see.. Dillon was driving me home from school and he played the song No Scrubs by TLC... I LOVE 90s music and I havent heard that song since the 90s and I used to know almost every word.. wow.. that made me so happy to hear that.. so I went home and downloaded my own music and seriously I feel so good right now! Im so ready to go to school so I can go to a dance party!!!!

p.s. I think im going to be a delivery girl for Dominoes next week.. haha

So I just got done with seminar and the all so amazing Tim Keel spoke... wow oh wow.. I love that man! He talked about evangelism and how we precieve it, how the world precieves it, and how the scriptures precieve it.. it was very humbling and convicting.... It definately made me want to dig deep and it showed me how much I dont know... I love that...

Yesterday was one of the most frustrating days of my life.. I have never felt so hopeless and never wanted to just scream at the top of my lungs more than I did last night. I came home and just cried.. not just a few tears.. it was brutal.. haha and I just said "ok God, I dont even want to think about it anymore, its in your hands, deal with it cuz i cant anymore!" And I let anger out that I have been storing up for some time now (over the course of 3 years actually..) and just layed it all out and saw that I am a hopeless mess... It felt good just letting it all out and saying how I felt about everything, but it also is hard for me to just trust that God really will take care of it... because I feel like its never ending.. all I want is some kind of stability in my life.. and my life is anything but stable.. But maybe my life isnt even supposed to be stable and comfortable.... pray for me please because I have just realized that I have been trying to deal with things on my own and I cant do it... but saying I want to give it to God and actually doing it is two different things... so please pray that I will let it go and trust........

So I am about half way through my internship and I love it! It is really amazing how God uses ministry to change your own life when you are expecting it to change the lives of others. I have learned so much in such a short amount of time. I have made amazingly wonderful freinds, and have come to the point in my life where I am figuring out who I am and how I need to be content with how things are right now. It is a stressful and very draining ministry, but it is very rewarding and very exciting. Its very humbling and has shown me that I seriously suck without God, I am nothing... Im not fun, im not cool, im not anything exciting in any possible way without God. Its awesome coming to that realization... I love you all!!!!

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So my dad called me today and told me the most exciting news of my life... My mom's side of the family arent all Christians, and my moms heart just broke for them.. so I wrote a letter to them the night my mom died because I just felt like God had something to say and He wanted me to write it down.. So i did and ended up reading it at her funeral and all this stuff... Sooo.. basically its been 3 years since then and I really didnt see anything coming of it and I really felt like I failed cuz I know I didnt give it all I had and that was the one thing my mom wanted more than anything. So just the other night my dad went to my grandmas and some of my cousins were there and came up to my dad and cried and told him that they came to the Lord and that they wanted to be like my mom and dad were with us and all this stuff.. and then my other cousin came up to him and said the same thing.. then my dad goes "I know if your mom was there she would have been balling right then" and it was so true that I just broke down because it was just one of those moments where I knew that my mom was just jumping up and down praising the Lord.. I felt so close to her at that moment. It is so crazy how God uses things and sometimes it takes 3 years for it to produce fruit, but the seeds were planted. It was really encouraging to me because I know a lot of times I lose focus and I think "well im obviously not making a difference" and I get frustrated and burnt out, but Its not about me making a difference.. All Im doing is delivering the message and the rest is all up to the Lord. But man.. when you do see the fruit and you do see the difference that God has made.. it is the most amazing thing in the world and I want to dance and shout for hours and hours because I know that God used my mom in such an amazing way and I know shes so happy right now. so THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And anyone who is reading this please be encouraged and remember why were are here and that if we dedicate our lives to being his hands and feet that God will be glorified in that. PRAISE JESUS!!!!!