| p.s.
I'm now 21, as of November 5th.
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| It's quite funny. I'm honestly doing almost nothing, but inside I'm going through so much right now that I can't even point to. I'm not even sure it'll come to anything positive. It's not as if anything internal is being resolved. I suppose it's a step though to let it all come to the surface.
I mean this not in a pathetic way, but I'm not entirely happy with myself right now. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I think it's an important thing to feel..I should hope that people feel that way.
I haven't been writing as much in my diaryland journal about Spain because..there's just so much personal stuff going on more than anything else and too many people read it and I just can't expose it all to them. I've exposed a lot of myself to my parents since I've been here and that's been hard, too.
I'm jealous, fickle, mean, haughty, lazy, moody, unmotivated, and addicted to the idea of doing the opposite in so many situations. That's all that I can put into words right now. Why am I? I guess it feels important to display it.
Look how many times I've said "I". I'm selfish. I feel like my academic plans are selfish.
I..this is silly..but it's true..I'm spent. That was enough.
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| I will be studying abroad in Spain this year. Blogging about it: http://laslion.diaryland.com
Whoo!
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| Nothing of consequence. Nothing of consequence. The balance fascinates me. I’m down. I’m up. She’s down, and down. She’s up. He likes me. I’m not interested. I like him. It’s irrational. He’s in love with me. I’m over him. Forgetting is so frightening. It’s like facing mortality. I miss being younger, in a way. I was a lot more naïve, of course. Not that I’ve much improved. There’s always room for improvement. When is there not? But I had such a good time. I was creative. I want to take this time to know myself. I want to improve myself. I want to be ready. I want to feel alive and I want to feel like me and I want to know that I can be completely alone. I want to like myself. |
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| Gosh, yeah, I think this thing is officially retired (to the public). I plan on continuing to write privately, and perhaps someday when it's so far away it won't matter, I'll reveal it to...well, no one, but it will feel like an important moment to me.
I won't make the old entries private, though. Not now, at least. I'm okay with it.
I can be found here: www.myspace.com/iamsomidwest
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