I haven't written since Sept 11th?!?!?!? Dang.

Well, I was cleaning out my old email inbox from hotmail and I ended up reading some old emails from the past 5 years. It was actually really interesting. Some emails were heartfelt, meaningful, full of good advice... while some others were kinda just...sad.

I found this entry I wrote for xanga...I don't know if I actually ever posted it:

"I can't wait to get married tho. Karianna is my official wedding planner, and she's been putting things together already. I think out of all my friends, she is the most anxious for me to get a fiance. She's pretty excited to get all her plans put into action, but I'm afraid it won't be for a while. But with her plans so far, I'm pretty excited myself. I've never put a single thought into what my wedding would be like, so it's nice to have someone who knows you well do it for you. Everything she's been planning has been superb -totally my style. Thank goodness for bestfriends who love to plan. Honestly tho, when I do get engaged, the only person Kari would have to run ideas by would seriously be my fiance, I'm pretty easy to please."

Yeah, I wrote that a little before I turned 20, I think. Who knew I'd be engaged a couple years later? Seemed like forever ago.

So I'm sick at home. Even as I'm writing, my head is pounding and I'm coughing every 2 minutes. Have you ever coughed so much, your throat starts to hurt? Yeah, it sucks. I should be in school right now, but I have a feeling it's not a good idea to handle scissors while coughing your lungs out. I wish I had an option to come in late in the evening, I usually feel alright about then. So I get to make up stuff later...yay! Not so much.

Steve and I carved pumpkins on Sunday! It was fun. I spent the weekend sick, but we did manage to go to a party on Saturday to "celebrate halloween." (More like, I paid for a costume, I better wear it somewhere) And ya know, I say this time and time again, that parties are not my scene. As in, I don't enjoy going to someone's house for social gatherings and drinking merriment. I never have... but this last Saturday, I was even more unimpressed. Somehow watching girls throw themselves at guys make me disgusted. I mean, these people aren't looking for anything beyond sex. They're not looking for good conversation or a meaningful relationship -no! They want to get drunk and get laid. That's it! People always say it's fun to go to parties and socialize...but I don't see that. The music is loud and people aren't even sober enough to remember you the next day. How is that socializing?

It's no wonder people of our generation are so frickin depressed.

If people truly believe that it takes loud music, a big place to host a party, lots of alcohol, a large crowd of strangers, and meaningless sex to have fun and "socialize." Then darn it, of course people are going to ultimately feel lonely. Everything is only skin deep. There's no room to build meaningful relationships in that kind of atmosphere. When the party and the sex is over... you're alone -and most likely with a hangover. Oh joy, right? So people get into the habit of thinking ... alcohol=fun. Why? Because it makes you less inhibited? Well, there lies your problem! If you can't have fun or be able to hold a fun conversation without alcohol...there's something wrong! That means, unless you are drunk, you have no idea how to socialize. Which ultimately leads to depression, because we are all relational creatures. We need community. Without it, we feel lonely.

There's nothing cool about being drunk... drunk people do stupid things. I have no respect for drunk people.

Sitting at that party made me miss the "game nights" or "movie nights" I used to go to. Granted, you can face different problems there (cliques and what nots) but it still gives you a chance to have fun and get to know the other people. And what more, you won't risk waking up with a hangover the next day.

I missed Praise night last Friday, and I can't express how mad I am about that. What I would give to attend an event where I can sing praises to God with my friends, then to sit at a stupid party the next evening?

Being busy with my schedule... and not being able to attend church, I find myself worried about my "light." As Christians, we're supposed to be a light in the darkness. I am constantly in fear that my light is fading. I don't mean I want to bible thump the next person I see, but I don't want to conform to the world around me. God has showed us His love and His standards for us, and I feel that no... we shouldn't look like the rest. I mean, how can we say that God's Love is amazing and life changing, if we live and act like those who haven't met God yet?

I've been caught up with my own personal struggles and fears, I think I've almost forgotten what it means to live in the assurance of His Love, the freedom through faith, and the confidence through His Grace.

Thank God for His Mercy. "Grace like rain falls down on me..."