random talking.

very soon I will take the english mastery test. I have no mood to think about it right now. Other than my english class, I have other distractions that make me feel not very well. I wish I don't have to see some people I don't want to see.

I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I think I need to sleep more. It could be my sleep depride is making me feeling shitty. But life is very not motivating though.

If I don't have to go to school and worry about making a living. I think I would have taking some classes I enjoy. Perhaps I might be more talented.

I always wanted to take music class and other fun class, but I am afraid if I do bad on those I will hurt my GPA, plus those are waste of time since they don't help me graduate. If only...I have that kind of money and time...I would have enjoy my school life a totally new way. I love school, yet I am scared of it now. sigh. If I don't feel like it is nesscary to pass, I think with less pressure it is better for me. i don't know. Maybe.

Well I feel bad is not all is because of school. I just want to escape....but I don't have the ability to escape yet. I don't want to be trap. It is sad and stressing...thinking I am trapped.

You won't understand this entry. I am just saying random things, describing how I feel.

I wish I have more options.

I am on the dean's list, what that means?

I need a "rabbit" challenge me.

It is so boring studying alone. I feel like I am hogging all the intelligence. (yea right.) I just feel bored because I got no one to talk to when I am on break time. Studying alone is not very motivating. It is lacking the crowd's enthusiastic curious energy force. Sometimes I feel like I am a little turtle, if no one push me, I keep on walking slow. I wanted a rabbit to challenge me. Give me an excuse to do better. I need a smart rival. Or I need a study buddy.

* * *

Why? Am I not intelligent enough for you?

Guys liked me when they first see me, because they think I am intelligent. After listening to me talk for a few minutes, they discover I am different from their princess imagination. I always act dumb because my personality is amazingly fun and weird. After they see my true self, they changed their mind to not like me because I don't act like a jade, so they scared to waste time keeping me with them. Sometimes I dislike myself for acting like a fool, however sometimes I am greaful for who I am, this way I see who truly like me.  

* * *

What I say don't make senses?

It is true. I talk a lot of non sense. I don't know a lot of facts, because I don't think they are important to remember. I never know facts can be useful in real life. I never know books can be useful too. I always think they are pile of junks. Those junk are only important for the book creeps. My imagination is very full, but I can't seem to convince myself to settle down believing in books. I betrayed books for a very long time. I don't know if we can ever get along.

* * *

What are miracly amazing?

I think magic is amazing. I believe in magic. Hope you don't say mean comment about my belief. I like to think there is a miracle for everything. It will happen if you believe. You are the real live prove of miracle when you go for it. If you don't believe, it is your decision.

Biology grade result is OUT. got a B! DARN.

So today I got my biology grade result. The professor showed us our grade (how we are doing right now) and let us predict what we will get for our final grade. Right now, I see the average grade for my test is B, lab is A, and presentation is C. OKAY, I got overall B 86% in the class right now.

I calculated I can't get a A in the class no matter how hard I work on my final exam, because even if I score perfect on it, I still need 3 points more, but that's over for what she have left to give. No time for extra credit, and I don't think she can give any. So the highest I can get in the class if I do the final exam is 89.3%. (No curve, still a B. Darnget.) If I don't take final exam, my grade just drop from 86% to to 82%, still a B. I think I won't take the final exam.

I rather save some time for myself to study engilsh now. Biology is over for me. I give up, because I feel there is no point. Knowing I can't get a A, that makes me feel less motivated to go to class now. I don't want to go to class just to learn, because I am lazy. Getting that 89.3% would make me feel worst. I hate being on the border line, and nothing can help it cross to that A border. So I talked to the Biology teacher today, I guess I will show up to class one more day tomorrow to turn in my labs and I say bye bye to that class.

I don't want to listen to her lecture anymore. I tried so hard keeping myself awake all this time. Hurray, I am out of there. I am quite happy with a B. Even though I can do better, if I didn't screw up in the beginning, but is ok. B to me is still good. I didn't work very hard, so yea >.<. I am so lazy, look at me now, I got one more week of class but I don't even plan to show up that class anymore. lol. Anyways, I love summer school. It is always fast, easy?, good grade. =)

I still have english mastery test to worry about. I so freaking hate english. lol. =P If I get the chance to be the president, I will change the world to make chinese language dominate! =0

I am talking with myself.

-I am thinking out loud-

Doing more good things is making me being more proud of myself. Before I think was snobby. I thought I have the best potential. I don't think I deserve employer to give me their cold shoulders. Now I know why I am in a place where I am at right now. Being humble is a good thing. Being modest is the key to get to higher places.

I start feeling sobby since I always get hire when I apply. Now I encounter many fail interviews and tests, then I realize the time has changed and so does their expectation. I realize once I am out of the job force for half an year, everything change completely. I can't do anything but have to accept the fact it is different now. I know if I continue to use my old thinking to view the situation, I can't get to anywhere. Even though this may seem foolish, but I think it is best for me to start over from the beginning. I tried to pretend I never worked before and never have the experiences. This helps me feel more humble, more modest. I have to act as if I have a new life again. I am not cheating myself. I am cheating my way in, or else I will never have a place to stay.

The way I play it, is how I play myself. I am on a important role. I can't show my potential until I am close to a safe spot. Work life is evil. The more evil it is, the more causion you need to put in playing your role. In fact, I can't say "potential" anymore, because it is getting harder to be one.