| | The number of times I have "found myself" seems ludicrous. I mean, really, at least once a year, I have a day or a moment when I think I understand exactly who I am, what I was meant for, whom I love, and what I will be. This year is no different. That used to give me an unsatisfying feeling. If I have to be found so often, that must mean that I'm spending most of my time lost. And if I keep finding someone a little different than the time before, that must negate the previous moment of enlightenment. Right? Wrong. I think it just means that in those moments, I have found contentment in a what may be a fleeting version of myself. My friend Matthew, like 6 years ago, described me as an ever-changing woman. I think I've finally grasped what he meant when he said that. I know who I am and I am confident in that, but I am hardly ever satisfied. I don't want to change necessarily, I just want to grow. Sometimes that means I have to do a 180, but often it simply means that I have to build up a part of me that already exists. Joy, if you're reading this, I think this might be pertinent to you. We are strong women, and that's what makes us beautiful. Our confidence, though often shadowed by layers of doubt and shielded by insecurity is always at the center of our focus. We know who we are and we know what we need to change in order for us to BE who we are. I enjoy the days when I am content and I feel like I am the woman God made me to be. But I also long for the fight, and the struggle to become even more of the intricate and complex woman God designed me to be. It's a lifelong process of impressive, and at times painful, growth with some beautiful moments of rest and pleasure along the way. And I think I'm ok with that. On a completely different note, I looked up the lyrics of Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap tonight, because basically, I never quite got them all from just listening to the song. So here's my favorite part. Compare it to my life if you want. That's what I did. Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah of course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit. Also. I'm a nightowl. Always have been and probably always will be. I do what needs to be done at night and I sleep in as late as I possibly can the next day. I don't have a problem with that. And the next person who does have a problem with that, I'm probably going to punch them in the gut. On another completely different note (I'm feeling kinda random tonight, I guess), I'm a little scared of the future. I don't think I've ever said that outloud. Not that typing it is really outloud, but whatever. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't really know what exactly I'm going to do when I graduate in December. I don't know if I'll stay in Kentucky. I don't know if my friends that I have now will really be my friends forever. I don't know if I'll gain weight. I don't know if I'll get married. I don't know if I'll have kids. I don't know if I'll have enough money. I don't know how long my parents will live. I don't know how long I'll live. Basically I just don't know. And that's kinda scary. But I'm shockingly okay with the fear. I'm looking forward to whatever crazy life God has in store for me and I'm ready to jump at the opportunities He offers me. My eyes may be squeezed tightly shut in fear, but my heart is wide open in anticipation for whatever God has planned.
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