Well, today has been one of those emotionally exhausting days. I hate them. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with the thing I wanted to complain about yesterday, but never got around to typing anything up. Well, I don't like to brag or anything, but I'm what you would call acclerated. Gifted, as most people say. I didn't always start out that way. When I was in about kindergarten, I struggled. When I hit about second grade, I had an amazing teacher and I just soared in there. So, you are probably thinking, who in the hell would want to complain about that? So many people would kill to be smart, I know. But, I wish I wasn't. When I was really little, I was average. I even hung out with the "popular" kids, if you must call 5 year olds that. But, then I learned to read and always had my nose in a book. That wasn't cool. I became the source of there tormenting. I can't even begin to go into all the horrible things that have been said or done to me. Sitting here and reliving that would kill me. I guess all of the stuff that happened when I was little, like the teasing and my parents... what they did to me, pretty much lead me into cutting. Not that it was their fault, but if some of that didn't happen I might not be so royally fucked today. Anyway, when I was in 4th grade we took a reading placement test. I scored off the charts. I was reading at a post high school graduate level. I knew some pretty darn big words. Unfortunately, people had to find that out and that lead to more teasing. When my teacher saw that, she made me put in a Gifted application. I spent four years in there. Honestly, it was alright to be in there. An honor even... but that was like sticking a bulls eye on a deer's back that some one already has a gun pointed at. Even more teasing. I guess the point of all of that rambling was that I wish I wasn't so smart. It's too much to live up to. I don't want to have to be the kid that gets the A's and gets into an Ivy League school. I want to be normal, average.
Well, gosh where to keep going from here? Oh yes, I was always fat when I was little. Okay, about 20 pounds at least, heavier than every one else. Another reason to be picked on. Smart and fat, oh joy. I've always had a bit of a horrible body image, but... when I was in about 6th and 7th grade I was happy with being bigger. Guys around here are in mad love with curves. They want a girl with something they can hold on to. I guess I'm not too fat, but the number on the scale lies. I still have a gut, or so I think. But, if I hadn't been called fat and all that lovely shit when I was little, would I not have issues with food now? Sometimes, I wish I could have the different options of my life play in front of me, so I would know what happens. Then I could make sure I pick the right damn thing.
Well, lately I've been doing something stupid. I thought I was in love with some one so I took down that wall that I put up. I've had some of the first real relationships with people in years. I've even let Tyler into my life in ways I never imagined. I've talked with him about stuff that he really doesn't approve of, but he makes me think. I love that. Today, he started talking about sexuality and all of that good stuff. He gave me the whole God speech, which I wanted to kill him for. Blah. But, I told him about my cutting today. That was so hard. I've gotten closer to him lately than I thought I ever would and I... just had to let him know. He gave me the "God loves you" speech. He told me I could stop this. I tried to explain some of it to him. He doesn't really get how some one can take a razor blade and cut their own body and like it. Sometimes, I don't even understand how I can like something that tears my body and soul apart. I just wish this hell was over.
After that conversation, I felt so strong. I felt like I owned the world. I don't know, that guy has that effect on people. I really don't want to get in more detail right now, but maybe later because he wants to talk to me tomorrow. Princess said that he was liable to drag me in his car and take me to church. I don't think he can drive, but that's not the point lol.
Right now, I've got an urge. Part of me wants to cut just to spite the world, but the other part of me knows that I shouldn't. I think if I do, I might actually feel regret for the first time in a long time. I was thinking the other day... I can't remember the last time I went more than a week with out it. I'd really like to get to that week beyond mark, just so I know I can. I'm afraid of getting there and falling, hard. I'm also afraid that if I stop doing it my mom will think that I don't need any help, which isn't the case. I don't want to do this by myself, but I'm really left with no choice I guess. I don't know. I guess what ever happens is my decision.
I feel like a selfish brat for complaining about the gifts I was blessed with, but you always hate what you have, I guess. I really feel better getting this out and I apologize for the length.
Comments (14)
it is absolutely awesome my mom smokes pot...really convenient as hell too. and i always take so much, so either she's not noticing, or is noticing and just doesn't care.
but anyways...that sucks about how kids used to torment you for being smart. i want to say you shouldn't have let it get to you, but i know that's not possible sometimes.
that's awesome you have this guy though..i would kill for one right now. especially one i could talk to like you do with yours.
well, kids tend to pick on the ppl different from them.. to feel like a part of that society and to prevent themselves rom victimised and so forth.. i've learnt to pity bullies... and haha, they hardly bug me for anything.. it's hard to tease someone when they just look at u calmly with a demeaning eyes and replies with a, "ah, right..."
and someone once said, it's the smart people who'll get more problems... coz they think too much. i'm kinda tops in my elementary school even though i didn't study much... and still don't. but hey, good grades= better opportunities= bigger future= more $$$= good life. u should be happy for that. :)
don't cut to spite the world hun. i know u won't.
take care!
ok i wanna start by saying..wow! that was a lot to type. lol. Newyz now for the serious advice...the best i can give you right now because im facing major problems myself...so i apologize ahead of tyme if nething i say is rude n anyway. I think that you dont need to cut to spite anyone or make anyone mad because then you are using something that people cant help doing for your advantage and that isnt good. Im proud of you for not wanting to cut...thats a step in the right direction! and thats awesome! Being teased only makes you stronger in my opinion and even though it sucked then...it helps later so screw them right. i hate people who give me that "God loves you" shit...i dont need anyone to tell me that...newyz i think im done for now...read my site and comment plz!
The Suicide Queen
yep, my mom buys the shit in bulk too haha that could be why she never notices.
that's cool though. about the boy. i feel like i can open up better to boys than girls for some reason. am i weird? haha
haha. i like the library tons too! i go there every recess and lunch break when school was on.. but in my school, well, ppl study quite a lot and loving the library is rather respectable. :)
hay thnxs for the comment back...i know i can beat it..i just dont know if i want to anymore because it doesnt matter anymore. im still gna be miserable whether i cut or not...jst not so miserable if i do....and im still gna be in just as mch pain...dont make too much of a difference i dnt think...im losing hope fast these days...
The Suicide Queen
thanks for ur comment!
i am a christian "cutter" too and i am trying to stop now because i really dont need to look on myself and be reminded of every single bad episode/ thing that has happened to me.
all the best
cher
i probably shouldn't do coke again. but, idk. i'm not going to go out of my way to get it, but if it's easy to get, i'm getting it. i really have gained though. the scale doesn't lie!
and hopefully work will not be too busy and will go by quickly, that would be wonderful.
i really appreciate u commenting and being there for me so much. i think its really great that you are willing to talk to me and support me even though u dont know me...thnxs for hangin in there wid me
The Suicide Queen
i could never be like that with pot haha
i was thinking that me being excited about not sleeping might be a little weird...but i'm weird and i've learned to live with it (;
i'm pretty much fat, definitely not thin. i played softball the past like 12 years and so i developed a beefy muscle-y figure. yuck. hahaha
how's the boy doing? have you cut lately? i hope not, you're super nice and i bet you're a pretty cool person
woo that is awesome! i pitched, played 1st and outfield. i don't play anymore, this past summer was my last season. i miss it a lot sometimes, but it was so time consuming, i basically didn't have a life for a couple years, so it's great being able to make plans and not having to worry about tournaments and such. what position(s) do you play?
i don't know what to really say about cutting. but i know it's not good kinda at all, and i know it ruins people's lives and controls them and that just sounds like it sucks some major ass.
how old are you, by the way?
i played for my school team and a travel team as well! yeah i hated how people thought that because you're in the outfield, you must suck. outfield is pretty fucking hard too, you have to have good depth perception and judgement. wow i really miss it now...i was using a 25 oz catalyst [the dark blue one], the yellow catalyst, and my teammate got a bat from her college coach that was a demarini i was using at the end of the season.
i'm 18
Ugh... life's going crazy again ><
But in a good way, I think.
This time, at least.
*hugs*
<3<3
graciee
Yeah... maybe I should just avoid alcohol althogether?? lol
Or at least avoid Tim Hortons afterwards >< haha
<3<3
graciee