amanda_cake's Xanga

Man, busy.

Mon, 05 May 2008 22:05:00 GMT

I've been doing good. Rec team has won a grand total of 3 games. We are doing pretty awesome and I've been hitting amazingly. School ball has sucked, as usual.
I made staff on TH, which is something I've always wanted to do. I'm super proud of myself. <3 That was one of the most exciting things that had happened to me in a while.
I can't really think of anything to blog about. I've been writing in my journal a lot lately which has helped with whatever issues that have been going on.
I don't want to talk about Wes or boys in general. I told Taylor today that I don't want to date, ever.
I think we could actually become friends. We've been friends, but not close. She's a nice gal but we've never had actual time to talk. I'm starting to like her as we hang out more.

Practiced with Varsity.

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 21:57:25 GMT

Our announcements at school suck. Our buses leave within 5 minutes. We have to run to catch them. For softball if they don't announce it within a few minutes, you've missed the bus. Well today there was no announcement at all. We assumed we had practice even if it was as wet as the dickens. Well, I see a whole bunch of Varsity girls talking about how they didn't like practice and all of this stuff. We were supposed to have a game today. Anyway, I go in there and get dressed. I come out and there are no JV girls to be seen. Apparently everyone else had just "decided" to leave. I go out the door with Varsity and see no one. I walk over there and Coach B tells me hi. I put my stuff down and tell him that I'm the only one from JV that stayed. I asked him what he wanted me to do. He said I could practice with them. He was really nice to me, being as I was the stupid JV kid that stayed after. They did tell us that if there was no announcement to not assume that we don't have practice. We should always be prepared. I threw with Bridget and hit soft toss with Hannah and Erin. It was fairly fun. We couldn't do much because of the weather. I also was one of the last ones to leave so I heard a bunch of gossip about Brandie in particular.
Basically she's been talking trash about everyone. She also thinks she's all that. Coach B said that things will be different on Varsity next year. He said, "We've got some ninth graders that will be tenth graders next year that will be ready for Varsity." He pointed at me while he said that. I guess he wants me to play Varsity. *grins* Whatever he does, as long as I am kept around I think I will like it.
I'm not even going to talk about relationships.
My wrist is killing me. It keeps popping again. *sighs* I can't stand being hurt.

Bored.

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 20:53:18 GMT

This will be a quick bitchy post.
I had a fairly good day. Game and practice was rained out.
I ate lunch with the usual people.
Wes... he's continuing to confuse me. I gave him a cookie today. He kissed me on my cheek.
I don't know what to think of that. He told me not to get any ideas, but he was smiling. He also told Matt to shut up after he called me an "atheist bisexual bitch." He got 2 of them right. *laughs softly to self*
Whatever. He shoved all of Brent's God crap down his throat with his atheism stuff today. It was kinda funny because Brent didn't know what to say. He's convinced that I'm going to hell for being bisexual. Well, erm... at least they'll be a LOT of hot girls there.
haha.
Anyway... moving on.
I don't have much else to say for tonight. I might be busy and I might not post for a while so I wanted everyone to know that I'm alive and well, just confused.

Holy Crap

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 11:46:02 GMT

I haven't posted in forever.
I've had 3 softball games that were away this weekend. Then on Friday I had a rec game that I had to RUSH to. Saturday was spent at my cousin's tball game. Today I'm going to watch a 16U game in our group. We don't have a game today.
Friday we beat Grafton 10-0, slaughter rule. Friday night, we beat Wakefield 25-2. It would have been a lot worse but after the first 8 rules we stopped stealing. We had to get out on purpose. We switched pitchers and they couldn't hit our easiest pitcher. We also had to get out on purpose to get the innings over with. It was ridiculous.
I'm going to end this entry now, because I need to shave my legs.
Wait, I want to talk about Devon.
There's this really, really, really hot guy at school. Kayla said that he was single and looking for someone. Apparently she knows him. She's going to talk to him for me. He's new here so most likely he hasn't heard people talk shit about me. I'm going to wear something nice for him tomorrow so she can introduce me. I hope it goes well because I really like him. *sighs*

Ah, crap.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:10:24 GMT

I feel like utter hell. (Warning... the male readers of this blog might want to not read this post.)
First off, everything was fine this morning. Before second block I had to go to the bathroom. Man oh man, my period had started. It was on my LIGHT PINK bermuda shorts. I go to class and my friend is by the door. I ask her if it is noticeable. I can hear her laugh, so it was. Thank God we were in the library so I stole a friend's hoodie. The teacher had to talk for like ten minutes. By the time I was going to ask her, she'd left. I went up to the library assistant and said i had to go to the nurse right that second, it was an emergency. I went and called my mom. She had to send my DAD to school with new undies and jeans for me. Great, right? Luckily he didn't wait to give them to me, just handed them to the nurse. Embarrassing. I hope no one saw.
In 3rd block I was having horrible cramps so I went to the bathroom. They were so bad I just sat there and didn't do my work. I couldn't focus. My stomach hurt so bad I thought I was going to puke. The world was spinning. I get in fourth block and everything was moving and the light hurt my eyes. People kept asking me if I was dying. It still hurts, that bad. I've got a game tomorrow (thank god our game today was canceled.) and its going to be hell if I feel like this. I've stolen some meds for me though, I hope they work. Ugh. I can barely even breathe it hurts so bad. A week late, then to this? I want BC, like now. I'm thinking about asking my mom or something. Ugh. I hate talking to her about that stuff though.
Other than this, today was fine.

Game was rained out.

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 18:07:21 GMT

Our game was rained out. I hate that. Sedley practice was as well. I hate that too. I want to play so bad. There's not a second right now that I haven't been itching to pick up a ball and just go.
I know in the long run that it's good that I've got today off. I should be doing schoolwork. I don't feel like it though. I haven't had my period this month (sorry for all the guys that read this) and I'm 6 days late. I don't think I'm going to get one because of all the exercise. I CAN'T be pregnant so don't suggest that. :P I'd be liable to bite your head off.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about Kiota. I googled her and found some pictures, her LJ, and her Deviantart. She was really talented and seemed to be so much more than I knew her. I found this image somewhere, I'm putting it at the end of this post. I can't stand that she's gone. I just wish things were different.
Dude, TWLOHA shirts are now in Hot Topic. I've never been there, but I will go there now. You betcha.
Today has pretty much sucked. I'm ending it now with this powerful image before I lose your attention.

Games & Dreams

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 09:43:07 GMT

I had the weirdest dream last night.
I was at Prom with a girl. Somehow, there was this heart shaped mattress in school. I was really drunk. We did stuff on the mattress. I blanked out and this teacher man... raped me. It was really bad. It was on camera too, but he let me get rid of the tape. I was upset later when we were somewhere (football field I think) and Matt asked me what was going on. Some one was holding me and I was crying. I told him that I'd been raped. I kept seeing the guy that did it. We went to this bowling alley that had an Applebee's inside it and he was there. It was a weird place. Now I'm rather scared to go to prom or w/e.
I went to the baseball game last night. We lost. Jeremy was there. I hadn't seen him in forever. We hung out and it was really cool. It was cold out and I said, "I'm cold." Some one told him to go warm me up because he's my boyfriend or something like that. I said, "That would last long. He's gay." Jake Pittman was nearby and he about had a fit, said "Woah, that's a little upfront about it." Jeremy just laughed. I still haven't gotten used to him in my ear whispering "omg that guy is HOT." It's kinda weird because every one is I know is straight. He's cool though.
I've got practice at 11. Game at 1. Jenna's tourney starts at 10:00 and ends at 6-ish. I should get to see a lot. I'm looking forward to it. I just wish we didn't have a game THIS weekend so I could see the whole thing.

Kiota. <3

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 21:51:28 GMT

Note: This may get a bit depressing, because most of this post will be about death. So, if you want don't read it.
I get to school this morning and things go fine for a while. It's the one year anniversary of VT shootings and we were trying to deal with that. In first block, we hear people running around sobbing. We weren't sure what was going on. It was horrifying to hear people screaming with tears and having to be carried out, but not knowing why. I'd never seen some of my classmates so worried. Anyway, our assistant principal eventually walks in there and hands the teacher a letter. A boy from a local high school (small towns, you know) had died. Oh, when they read it in the room next door this one girl was screaming. It was horrible.
Then, after hearing about that all day (not sure if I knew the guy, name sounded familiar but I haven't yet seen a picture) I get home and Moyshi had left me a comment. I read on and it turns out Kiota killed herself Sunday. I got on TH and read the thread. Wanting to see posts by her (partly because I wanted to remember how kind she had been to me) I saw a thread talking about her wanting to die. Yesterday, it had been closed saying that Kiota would have to update when she comes back. Some one had asked about her because they hadn't heard anything. Well, she never came back. That saddens me greatly. I've already cried a bit. I'm not sure I know how to deal with that. In the past year I think, that's 3 people that have been lost that are connected with that board. I think I need somewhere... more stable to go. I'm not sure I can handle that. But I don't have anywhere to go... I'm just screwed.
I'm just so screwed.
All of this has gotten me thinking about death. I wonder what happens. I want to know. Kiota had attempted suicide so many times that I guess we all thought it would never really happen.
Jessie said she was talking to her that night and she never said, "I love you."
I cried then.
I want to cry now.
I just need to go to bed. I don't know how I'll handle tomorrow.

Quick Update.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 22:18:56 GMT

Augh, two straight days of four hour practices. I'm dying.
What else? Not much really. Schoolwork has kept me busy. I've got tomorrow off, so expect a real update from me then. I've got to get to bed soon.
My stomach is killing me.
I'm about to rub icy hot on my legs and go to bed practically screaming. What a ritual, I tell you. Ugh.
My back is killing me, I just popped it. It's been hurting since yesterday. Hmm, what else... I can't think of much else that's going on, to be honest.
I don't have time to write about anything else.
Y'all still love me even if I have short posts right?

I'm about to leave.

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 15:21:06 GMT

I'm about to go to Grammy's. I thought I'd sneak in an entry.
We might go to Starbucks or something. I hope so. I could go to the hunt club, but I don't want to. I'd much rather stay here. I don't feel like facing all of the kids at the hunt club. It's too much for me right now.
I'm still disappointed over not being able to go today. That's kinda like an old wound that will remain open for a long time. I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I cut ten times last night. The first cut was like, "Ah." I haven't had it in so long that doing it was... odd, really. The last one was a little deep, at least for normal. It's not as bad as the one that needed stitches that time, but it's still kinda open and gaping. It's rather gross looking, I guess you could say. I'm not paying much attention to any of it really. It's over done with, I don't care.
I feel really lonely right now.
I'm trying to face so many different parts of myself right now that it's impossible.