I found myself sitting at my computer this evening watching fireflies out the window. I love to watch them from a distance. The little things of life that are so easily missed by the craziness of life. perhaps it is just the flicker of light that catches my imagination. Candles have a similar affect, a light in the surrounding darkness. I have been thinking about the meaning of life, my life. We are all on earth to glorify God, but under that are many different facets and areas. I find there to be an interesting mix of our desires and God's desires. Ideally they are one, but what about the ones that aren't so crystal clear?

So i'm making this posting when i should be getting into bed, but what is the fun of that? Staying up late is fun! Besides i'm eating sour patch kids, and the sugar rush will be kicking in soon. I sit at my desk amazed at God's hand in my life. I feel so overwhelmed at times, but also so blessed. God has been so good to me, and I have an overpowering love for my Savior by His merciful hand that He shows me daily. I have grown so much this past 4 weeks of this semester, and I have so far yet to go but I'm excited for the journey. I am in Maternity rotation right now with nursing, and I have gotten to see some of the most beautiful babies ever!! I had at one time in my life wanted to have children when i am married..... i might have changed my opinion. Adoption is looking very nice. I think that the nurse in me is just worrying too much. I'll be honest, i'm a wimp. The more i learn the more i dont want to have kids.... so many things can go wrong! Plus i would be scared of losing a baby. Or worse than that, having a situation where the baby will not survive, and having the physicians tell me to have an abortion...what would i do? If you and the baby will die ? Tough stuff. These questions give me an overwhelming desire to run to Jesus. I know that may sound weird. But so many times i have had no idea what to say or do with a patient or person and then I have just felt the Holy Spirit's voice. It ended up being just the thing that person needed, was that by chance? no. I need that fellowship to always be there for me to be the best nurse possible if i am going to be giving spiritual care to my patients as well as physical. Growing up i always thought that nursing was a fun, pretty little job that i got to wipe fevered brows and talk to people. But of course, it is so much more. I love the challenge at times, and am terrified at other times. Only by God's grace do i press on....

It's been a long week. My great grandma died on monday, and it's been an emotional time for me dealing with her death. Acceptance is hard, i have been continually wrestling with how do you say goodbye? how you do go to sleep at night realizing that she is in pain and suffering eternally? She was better when she was alive.... she is in more pain now. I have gastritis too, but has been an unfun challenge. at least i know what is wrong with my stomach now though, so that is a praise. I just wish i could be painfree, it's not so fun to eat when you get horrible cramps just about everytime from it. Plus nursing has been overwhelming this week.... and through it all i have all this turmoil turning my insides ,but yet deep down i can feel Jesus' gentle hand holding mine. I have been reading in 2 Corin as of late. wow it is an amazing book! But i have been so encouraged by the way that God shines through our lives. how God continually chooses to use us. I was thinking this morning how ready i am to just be done with the world. I'm sick of the world and all the sin, sickness, pain- how sinful i am, and how often i disappoint my precious Savior. But it's not my time, God still has things on earth for me to do. Every trial He puts me through is to draw me closer to Him. That is where endurance comes in.... endurance in life. I have trials right now on every dimension of me.... physically, emotionally, spiritually... but Jesus is there telling me that His burden is light.. praise God for a loving, caring Savior that is always there, that never fails.