Currently Listening The Silence in Black and White By Hawthorne Heights see related

hey guys i know its been a long time again! school started yesterday and i think it will be okay this semster. its going to be a lot of studying but i can do it!!! well i jsut want to let you guys know i have a doctors appointment on monday. i got some potentially scarry news while i was home over break. the dentist found some abnormalities in my mouth and they are going to do a bunch of tests and stuff to check and see what it is, but the dentist is worried it may be a tumor... so if you could keep me in your prayers i would love that very much!! thanks guys and ill keep you updated when i know more!! love all of you

amber

Currently Listening The Silence in Black and White By Hawthorne Heights see related

sorry guys i really suck at updating this thing lately.... i am going to start getting better at it i promise! i am home now for the week and i am having a good time. my family from minnisota comes on wednesday and i am super excited to see them although i am kinda sad bc its the last time ill get to see zack for a while bc he is being sent to Iraq :(

i dont really have much right now to talk about. just trying to get through life and figuring things out. my granma is dong better with her kemo now which is awesome and well i still dont really know where things with eric are going... its really hot or cold with him and its hard for me bc i like to know how things are and thats that!! i hope things start to figure themselves out and i really hope he can make it to omaha this weekend!!! new years is coming up and i have to work which is sad and i wont get to see my baby so i guess no new years kiss for me :( oh well i can have one any other time i see him i guess :)

well i am going to go and when i have something cool and fun for you guys to read and talk about ill throw it your way!!!!!

xoxo

Currently Listening Some Hearts By Carrie Underwood starts with goodbye see related

well kids here i am again updatng after a very long time of not. this has been a really hard past couple of weeks for me. i am learning to live my life differently then i have before, trying to start a new relationship and it is distance, trying to do good in school, and most hardly trying to get through this season missing my granpa. the past couple of weeks it feels like it is last year all over again. I keep haveing re occuring dreams of horrible ways i saw my granpa through his death... i keep freaking out every time my parents call me late at night or early in the morning bc i think they are goig to tel me something bad... and i am no longer talking to someone who use to be so dear to my heart. I am learning that my life can not move on with him lingering in my heart and i think i have finally said goodbye. i asked God to fill that empty space in my heart with him or with something else so that i didnt feel so sad and loonly. but it seems more lately that i am filled with sadness and lonliness more than anything else.. i wonder why i love the christmas season so much bc right now i dont think that i have to much to love about it. i am filled with te stress of my room mates, trying to do good in my classes, fighting with my ex even though i did nothing wrong, and missing one of the most important things to me. I miss my granpa so much and i think that i have sort of repressed those feelings. like it was easier to come back to school after everything happened, not talk about it, and sort of act like it never happened. but now with it being the same time of year, his birthday coming close, and my frist christmas and birthday with out him it has been getting really realy hard for me and it has been getting really hard for me to make it through a day without crying.

so i guess there it is for you.. my broken world at its worst. me struggling to make it through.. make it through a day without a reminder of the lonliness and sadness that i have in my life and in my heart. i wish that it would go away but it seems the more i pray about it the more i feel lonely. i think about all the things i have to be thankful for and yes they are great.. but i just wish that for like a week of my life i could be totally happy. that i wouldnt have to cry, that i could feel complete, and that i could have somoene to say goodnight to. some day maybe that will happen but for now i guess its just going to be me.. struggling through christmas and trying to make people think that i am happy. bc thats how it is.. its easier to act happy and have people think you are then to admitt it and have people see you sad and unhappy. i dont like to cry in front of people and i know if i were to talk to someone i would.. so its easier to tel people i am fine and go lay in bed and cry at night then admit wat is realy wrong and really on my mind.....

so there you have it.. my brokenness and sadness... me missing my granpa and me hopeing that my sick granma makes it through kemo treatments ( bc i dont think i can loose a single person right now... and it seems thats what keeps happening.... people keep leaving) i dont think this is how God inended the world to be.. what has happened to his perfect world that he once created?? do you really think he meant for al this sadness and brokenness?? i dont and i wish that this world could be the way he intended it to be!

Currently Listening A Fever You Can't Sweat Out By Panic! At the Disco see related

well i have not updated in a very long time.. there are lots of things to say but i dont feel well and that could take hours to write it all!! well my bday is in 5 days and i am way excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the newest part of my life is i have a new crush.. he lives in kansas city which is sad but its okay bc he is the best guy and i like him a lot!! he treats me great and is sooooo amazing :)

shala i know you are sad at me but i hope you had a great thanksgiving and happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i miss you

Currently Listening Brave By Nichole Nordeman see related

"Forgiving the unforgivable is hard. So was the cross, hard words, hard wood, hard nails."

Wow when i saw that quote i paused for a second and just thought about that. Its so true though. We think that it is so hard to forgive people that hard wronged you. Well can you imagine being Jesus up on that cross dieing for all of our sins, all of our evil desires, all or our unforgivable actions. He was beaten, mocked, scorned... yet he still forgave. When on the cross and a man mocked him Jesus did not prove anything to him all he did was ask God to forgive him for he did not know what he was doing.

I wish i could be like that. I wish i could even have a remote peice of me be like Jesus. I cant though bc i live in a world of sin. I live in a world or regret and I live in a world where earthly belongings are more valuable then spiritual happiness. 

I struggle with forgiving people in my life. I want to be able to forgive people and never have to ask God to help me forgive them again. However, my sinful and selfish nature tends to take into acount a lot of times and well it becomes hard to forgive others. That is where i am at in my life.... sturggling with sin and forgiving others. Trying to build new relationships with others. Missing old relationships and friends. Struggling with the enemy in my attempts to grow closer to my savior.