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an_amusing_illusion
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Name: nash
Country: United States
State: Oklahoma
Metro: Tulsa
Gender: Male
Interests: girls. style. improv. guitar. late night talks. XTREME. photog. dr pepper. bass. climbing. fight club. rockin out. the ataris. that look in her eyes. drive-in movies. franz ferdinand. muscle cars. the hives. ultimate. radiant. ben folds five. orbit. straylight run. bright eyes (sometimes.) thrift stores. dashboard confessional. g love. islay scotch. placebo. writing down phrases i like. cake (band and food). playing time crisis 3 @ the theatre. pink floyd. modest mouse. duke TIP term 1. radiohead. NOFX. classical and political philosophy. action action. my chemical romance. pissing off utica square's finest. mock trial. death cab for cutie. queen. smashing pumkins. raising one eyebrow. the sounds. atreyu. cross-country. arguing. oasis. c-team soccer. pearl jam. philosophizing. movie city soundtrack. messing with mr brown the jazz director. the shins. politics. skating by. the postal service.
Expertise: i got pretty good at raising one eyebrow. that and time crisis. i rule @ time crisis. and apparently i give good advice???
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Business
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  amateurhero010
Member Since:
8/17/2004
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| new xanga. forget this one.
charming_killer
thats it. subscribe to the new one.
//nash | | |
| anywhere but here.
today my father gave me two options: do what he wants, or leave.
if not for dustin, i wouldnt be here. would have taken the bag i packed, taken the money i have, and i would be somewhere else.
today i am a black hole. today i am a void. but its not sadness. its not anger. its not love. its not anything. ive felt empty before. we all have. but today, i am no longer empty. i have lost faith. in God. in others. in myself. today i am a black hole.
i am jack's starless night. complete with silent soundtrack and tearless eyes. the silence you dream about. the empty eyes that are not windows. just mirrors.
now playing: my life, in black and white. a silent movie. | | |
| heres a song for you. its short, yes, but i like it. its not finished, but it will be.
[untitled 12jan05]
looks like ive
crashed and burned
cant tell you
anything ive learned
too many questions
too much life
not enough answers
the emptiness cuts like a knife
two twin green wells with nothing in them
the rivers are dry theres nothing in them to run
rain doesnt touch the dirt here, you can see it
its cold as death here but it might as well be ground zero on the sun
welcome to the re-run
that is my life
welcome to this shattered dream
look what i have done
its become
undone. | | |
| family drama. it happens.
to make a really long story fit into the window between chemistry and english, my dad and i have the same hot tempers, and the same sarcastic tones that ironically piss us both off. and i just dont understand mom. we have totally different ideas of whats important and entirely different ways of handling things. where i can resolve an issue through compromise and finesse, she has to be right. and to be right, she has to reenact the whole episode blow by blow, giving a self-righteous commentary on what i said or did that was disrespectful.
its not that i want to be treated as an equal by my parents, i just wish they were slightly more mature than i am. since, as they monotonously repeat, they have so much more wisdom and experience than i do. wonderful. but it doesnt change my mothers indecipherable moral code or my dads lack of tact. or my moms inexplicable need for me to fit into a demographic of teenage boys that she likes best. so i left.
i ran for a while, maybe an hour. that usually calms me down. nothing but a steady rhythm and passing headlights. and the rain. theres nothing like rain. i love it. i think i wouldve run for a lot longer, but after another half hour, i was really fucking cold. so i called my best friend in the world, by brother, dustin. he dropped everything and came to get me. we talked for a while @ his friend johns house and got some things straightened out. he got through the tangled mess that is my parents by acting. every second, he put on a performance to get what he wanted and make them happy. and that seems smart. it really does.
i just hoped that Home would be the one place i didnt have to act. where i wouldnt have to perform for an audience of six billion. but no. its back to acting. i must be the best teenage actor there is. i wake up and start the play. a slightly different play every day.
im not sure if any of you who read this experience this same kind of thing. if you do, you know how it feels. no one should ever be told that they arent adequate, that theyre a pain to raise. thats just not right.
dustin and i went through what mom and dad would say when he took me home. and it happened exactly the way we thought. word. for. word. its sad really, that my parents are the most predictable people i know. maybe i just know them too well. know their flaws and imperfections. know my moms pathetic competition with dustin for my implicit trust. i hope this will change. because im acting most of the time, and i dont want to become my part.
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| EDIT:// i cant decide if its my incredible good looks, amazing style, or kickin taste in music, but im getting lots of random props. and thats just neat. so random-prop away.
i always hate it when people just write entries about what they did that day, but im a professional hypocrit, and ive got no crises to go all emo about. so hea we go. in bullets.
// christmas was cool. i got some cash, some cds, some movies, and an ipod. thanks santa. rock on.
// new years was pretty fun. katy, catherine, and jordan came over so we had some fun before the big Y2K05. i wanted to be somewhere else @ midnight, or WITH someone else, but Fate decided to take a shot @ me. but happy new year!
// kicked off the new year in an expensive way with lots of long distance talks. then jayson, evan, jessica, mindy, tiffany, and i went to the movies. ill just say we made up for the lost new years eve kiss. so that was lots of fun.
// church today was good. dustin came today and we had a good talk with coach in sunday school. thames brothers - 1 : coach - 0
maybe we can do something later. im downloading some country. i found out last night in evans truck that some of it is good.
love,
nash | | |
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