ana_amazingjourney's Xanga

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 14:28:29 GMT

Hey everybody. This entry is really long, but really important, so please read the entire thing. I'm just updating to tell you guys I'm gonna be shutting this site down. I am no longer anorexic. A few weeks ago, I was fasting and had been for 5 or 6 days. One day, I just randomly passed out and no matter what anyone did, I would not wake up. They called the ambulance. While in the ambulance, I stopped breathing. Everyone thought I was going to die. Once in the hospital for 3 days, I finally woke up. My doctor told me that it was because I was extremely malnourished and my body was preparing to shut down. I am now in a hospital/rehab center for eating disorders. I have come to realize that being thin isn't worth dying for. I only weigh 101 pounds right now, but I am making progress. They even think I will be well enough to start school on time. I still want to count calories and weigh myself and look for fat all over my body, but I am learning to resist those urges. I've eaten 2000 calories everyday for 4 days. That, for me, is a new kind of accomplishment. My coach tells me that I am on the right track. I just want all you girls to realize how dangerous this is. This isn't a joke. This isn't just a hobby. It is a life-threatening disease. I could have died. I nearly did. It took me a long time to realize this. The first few days in the hospital, I could only eat a little bit everyday, or else I would throw up because my stomach wasn't used to that much food. Nurses almost had to force-feed me because I didn't want to ruin the progress I had made to being pure bones. A few dyas later, when I looked in the mirror, I really looked at MYSELF. Not at my "fat". I realized how terrible I looked. How sunken my cheeks were. How the skin was literally hanging off my bones, because it had lost it's elasticity due to lack of nutrients. How I am 5'10, nearly 5'11 and I weighed 94 pounds. How I looked like a skeleton in a science lab. That one look in the mirror changed my life for the better. I started eating everything that was put in front of me, and always wanting more. I asked for seconds for the first time in years. Now, I eat right, excersize lightly (a little yoga every other day) and go to therapy to discuss why I did what I did to myself. I especially like group therapy. I like hearing what the other girls (and one boy) have to say. Some say their lives were spiraling out of control and their food was the only thing they could control. Some say they looked @ it as an extreme hobby, sort of like scrapbooking. Some girls say they had some1 in their lives pressuring them to look a certain way. Some girls (like me) just wanted to be thin for the sake of being thin. I wanted to be a high-fashion runway model. I still might be able to, once I get myself back up to a healthy weight. The saddest I heard was one girl who said she couldn't eat because her family was poor and her mother would beat her if she went anywhere near the fridge. Once her mother got sent to jail for robbery, she was sent to live with her grandmother. She was still so afraid of being beaten, she would go for days without eating. But her grandmother was oldand senile and didn't notice. Her father came to visit and noticed how thin and unhealthy she looked and admitted her to the hospital. I am not supposed to have any contact with the outside world except family, but my brother brought me his laptop to use. Once I get out (some time around the 20th, hopefully) I will be back on here. If you are interested in getting help or just want advice on how to stop or what to do, my yahoo name is polkadotpanda57. And my e-mail adress is polkadotpanda57@yahoo.com. IM or e-mail me with questions. I want to help. I don't want anymore wonderful, beautiful, smart girls to fall victim to this terrible disease. I'm not trying to get you to stop. I'm just trying to make sure everyone realizes that this is a life-threatening diease and there is a real danger. I still love you all, no matter what. Thanks for reading.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 16:53:41 GMT

I just got back from a vacation that my parents surprised me with. We went to Hawaii!! Omg, it was SO awesome. I was surrouned by beautiful people the entire time. That's some true inspiration. I'm down to 96. I'm sort of stuck on a plataeu. It sucks a lot. Oh well. I'm going back to school clothes shopping tomorrow!! I can't wait. I'm gonna be at least a size 0, if not 00. :D YAY!! well, I have to go. Much love.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 21:08:06 GMT

wow....sorry i havent updated in like, 10 years. ive been so so busy. we have till the 15th of august off from soccer. thats when the actual season starts. it'll be nice. I'm still running everyday though. That goes for the rest of the summer, until school starts. i got a new mp3 player!! :D AND i got a new KITTEN!!!! she is the sweetest, most adorable thing ive EVER seen!! her name is cleopatra, cleo for short. i went back up to 105 for a few days...i was super mad. but im down to 97 now!! 9 frickin 7!! oh yes. thats 3 lbs LESS than 100!! i am SO going to get my goal of 90 by the time school starts. i cant wait. I'm just worried about what all the people who dont know about me will say. I dont want people to worry. I love that people notice, but i dont want them to worry for me. even my friends that know are starting to get a little scared. they say that some1 as tall as me cant weigh under 100 and be safe. they say that one day when im running, my body will just collapse into itself and my heart will stop or something. is this a legitimate concern? how can i balance my love for soccer (i wanna go pro one day) with my love of being thin? both are something ive always wanted, but theyre complete opposites. how can they live in harmony safely? bah, this is the first time ive really ever thought about it. i dont want to seriously harm myself by being anorexic. i just want to be thin!! is that so much to ask?

Monday, July 04, 2005

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 13:59:42 GMT

no1 ever comments. ive lost track of my points for the challenge, but im keeping up with my weight loss goals for it. im down to 100 even. i cant wait to get below 100!! im so excited. it should be soon!! its raining. i love rain. it smells SO good. im out. peace.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 18:24:42 GMT

new boyfriend. so excited. only 1 problem...he doesnt know about me being anorexic...he doesnt even know that im on a "diet" like most of my friends think. im not sure if i should tell him or not. i think its a little too early to be so serious. i wanna have some fun first. gained 2 lbs back...thanks to my friends quincenera and lots of REALLY good mexican food (my weakness). ugh. i am so fat. adios.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 16:02:52 GMT

ok. my computer broke AGAIN yesterday, but its back now. woot. my friends quincenera is on saturday. she doesnt know im anorexic, and neither do most of the people in it. and since its a mexican celebration, there is going to be A TON of food. i hate food. sometimes i wish i didnt have to eat cuzza soccer and stuff, but i would pass out if i didnt. people have been noticing my weight loss. ive lost another couple of lbs. im doing pretty well. i owe it all to soccer too. because of it, my metabolism is going the speed of a nascar driver. so what little food i do eat, doesnt stay there for very long. we have a game on friday. im SO excited. i love soccer games. i play on a co-ed team, so my favorite part is knocking down guys. so much fun. anyway, my pts for yesterday are 39. todays- cal pts-10 so far. hopefully stays that way *crosses fingers* sleep pts-10. woot. water pts-10. work out pts-10. duh. bonus-3+2+1+2+2. that is 50 isnt? woot!! first time for me.

start weight-122.

current weight-107!! yes!! i am totally changing my goal to 90.

goal weight-100/90.

todays pts-50!!

total pts-966. so close to 1000!!

-Never ignore anything or anyone on your journey to your destiny. They might just be the only one that can help you get there. -my grandpa.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 17:34:30 GMT

i know i havent updated for a while again...im getting so bad. but!! ive still been keeping track of my points, being the good girl i am, so heres my stats for the past few days.

friday-38. not too bad...i suppose.

saturday-freaking i only got 4 cal pts cuz we had family and theyre all like, youre whithering away, (yeah, thats the point) you need to eat. poo on them all. so my pts for that day were 32. terrible.

sunday-same pts for eating. ugh, i swear im such a pig, but i i keep losing weight. thank you metabolism!! 32 again.

today-45!! woot woot!! i got 10 10 10 10 5. go me!!

so, heres how it breaks down total point-wise:

start weight-122

current weight-109!! woot for weight loss!!

goal weight-100. im only 9 lbs away!! i think if i make it, ill change my goal to 85. my ultimate ultimate goal weight, like for real, is 60. since im 5'9" or 5'10" (not sure which...ive grown since my last physical) i would literally be skin and bones. that would rock hardcore. but yeah...85 for the end of the summer would rock too.

todays pts-see above.

total pts-877...i dunno if thats good for being this far in or w/e. but yeah. i hope it is. yeah. later.

ps...new layout. enjoy.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 19:57:14 GMT

ok, so thanks to the guy @ the computer place and mi padre, im back on the internet!! woot. ok ive been keeping track on my points so here it goes:

monday-45

tuesday-44

wednesday-44

today-48!!

ive lost another 3 or 4 lbs since i last updated, so yeah. go me. i had to go try on a dress today that i got measured for in january...when i was super fat...like 135. ugh, how disgusting. but i lost all that during track, not by being anorexic. but yeah. i started a running program plus my soccer practice everyday. i have soccer in the morning, 9-12. then i have running from 1-2ish. i ran 3 miles with that running thing today. im going to be soooo skinny!! oh yeah, back to my dress. its pink. being a red-head, i look TERRIBLE in pink. but w/e. its way way way way way!!! too big!! i was sooooo happy. some people that i havent told about my anorexia are starting to figure it out...like my mom. and my grandma, who came the other day and forced me to eat. i cant fast anymore anyway cuz id pass out cuzza all my exsercizing. but yeah, i only eay pasta and stuff, and not a lot of it either, just to give me energy.

start weight-122

current weight-111!! woo!!

goal weight-100

todays pts-48

total pts-730.

g2g, adios.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 13:37:10 GMT

ok. so i havent updated in years because on wednesday...terrible lightning storm. i left my computer on by accident and when my power went out, my computer surged and lost internet. ive felt so disconnected. it sucks. so yeah. i kept track of my points on my own though so its all good. im still in this thing. i must tell you all the great news, however. ive been on a fast for a while now. i dont know how many days anymore but because of it ive lost almost 5 lbs!! its pretty exciting. a lot of it is probably water weight because, while im drinking gallons, i just make myself go to the bathroom all the time to get rid of it. but 5 lbs is 5 lbs. woot. heres my pts for that last few days. also, i wont have internet for another couple of days after this so yeah.

wednesday-45

thursday-42

friday-48

saturday-45

today-so far, 43. i dont really feel like typing out the explanations to them all, so yeah.

start weight-122.

current weight-112 !! 10 lbs lost so far!!

goal weight-100. im getting there!!

todays pts-43

total pts-564. woot.

ps. thanks for the comment mr. hope whatever, (sorry, i dont remember your xanga name.) but i dont need another lecture about "inner beauty". i know it exsits. and i know i seem shallow for being all worried about being skinny and whatever, but this has become part of my life. most of my friends know how i am, and although most of them dont agree with me, they all support me, because theyre my friends and they just want me to be happy. but i still may talk to you, cuz you seem like a pretty cool person.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 11:44:22 GMT

havent got much time...so ill be quick. cal pts-10 water pts-most likely 10 cuzza practice which is in....15 minutes. sleep pts-8. work out pts- will be 10 after my 3 hr long practice. lol. bonus pts-3+-+-+-. i dunno any of those yet. so yeah. ill finish up after practice. adios.