ana_amor_XO's Xanga

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 23:01:54 GMT

B: Coffee, Water
L: Grilled Chicken Salad (5 Carbs)
D: Egg Salad, Cheese, Ham, & Tomatoes (6 Carbs)
S: Tuna & Cheese (2 Carbs)

Water all day... clearly eating LOW FAT/LOW CARB...and *really* trying to stick with my plan and not go over the Induction period's 20 carb maximum.

13 carbs if I stick with this. I can do this. I have faith that I can. I do not need to binge. NO NO NO. I'll keep myself busy. I'll go to the gym. I'll praise myself, and motivate myself, and be HAPPY with my progress tomorrow. I know I can.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 12:47:25 GMT

Today,

is a HUGE day.

I'm starting back on the Atkins diet---but a more restrictive version. I am going to eat low carb, low fat, and really work to control my portions/eating times. I guess if I try to space my meals out more, I'll be less likely to binge. =)
Most of the good food on campus IS low carb (i.e. make your own egg omlettes in the morning, bacon, sausage, cheeseburgers, salads, chicken, lunch meat, etc.) Don't get me wrong... I'm not going to just go SCARF down heaps of bacon, eggs, and sausage because I can... I'm going to still do low fat as much as possible. I'm going to eat lots and lots of salads with chicken, shrimp, and vinegar/oil dressing. I am going to try my hardest to DO THIS.. seriously.

ALSO, have you girls ever heard of BODY WRAPS?

I have an appointment to get one in ONE hour. Apparently it's this system that detoxifies your body and makes you lose 8-10 inches for every hour you do it. My friend gets them done and has lost SO much weight. This will be SUCH a good idea for me... especially since I am starting my diet today.
It's like a fresh, clean start with my body... and I CAN'T wait.

I am going to start Yoga & Pilates---hardcore. YES.

I'll let you girls know how the body wrap goes...

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 09:51:52 GMT

;;;; Damage

Coffee (10)
Special K (130)
Skim Milk (75)
1/2 Banana (40)

Total so far ---255

Monday, September 05, 2005

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 23:43:05 GMT

I want to be the smallest I can possibly be...when I see bone, that's the day I will finally feel free...

I can't remember the last time I have weighed myself. Transitioning to college was a very sudden, emotionally draining thing for me. Unforunately, emotion equals EATING, most of the time overeating/mia. At times I tried to overcome having any and all eating disorders at one time. I tried "eating normally," but .. as you girls know.. would feel guilty & fat for having what most people would consider "normal" portions. I guess if I can't be a normal eater, I'll come back to the only thing I know will truly help me overcome my bulimia... undereating.

It's a shame that I have to turn to anorexia to overcome bulimia. How awful does that really sound? I feel like I have gained so much weight in the past month. I have completely abandoned all of my worries and preoccupations with food... but my body has suffered because of it. My clothes don't fit me as well, and I am surrounded by girls of all body types. I am around girls who EAT, girls who don't, girls who are sticks and bones (*and MAJOR thinspirations at that), and a roommate who, in regards to eating, has stronger will power than I do. IT SUCKS. I just want to come back to my controlled, structured life in which I could feel progress. I want the control. I want the envy. I want girls to say... DAMN, how does she do that?

I made a plan for tomorrow. I blocked out certain times to eat & work out. I worked around my classes and it seems like it'll work.

8-9:15 (Class)
9:30 (Small Breakfast)
10-11:30 (Study)
12 PM (Pilates Class)
2 (Class)
3 (Small Lunch)
4-6 (Club Meetings/Study)
7 (Run)
7:30 (Small Dinner)

I feel like if I map out my schedule each night before I go to bed, I'll be less tempted to over-eat/binge. If I do not allow myself moments alone with food---especially late night---and devote myself entirely to school, clubs, friends, and working out, I'll be fine.
There's no reason I should scarf down boxes of cookies and packets of M&M's, only to throw them up/laxie them out. Laxatives are so bad for your body. I feel them taking a toll on me... and for that reason, I'm done. For me, it feels like this eating thing is all or nothing---either I can eat nothing (or just small portions) or everything.
I don't know about you... but i'd MUCH RATHER have nothing.

I'm thinking about starting to smoke. Yikes I'll smoke now when I'm drinking, and occasionally i'll have a cigarette during the day, but I'm not sure I really want to start up seriously. What do you girls think about this? I know cigarettes suppress your appetite... but is it really worth it?

Anyway, I just wanted to let you girls know that I'm back, and hoping to be in control again. I need all the support I can get. Cross your fingers for me chicks!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 14:37:18 GMT

So sorry I've been missing in action lately.

College life is crazy.

When I get some time, I'll definitely update

LOVE YA, tay

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 02:49:01 GMT

So I guess to start off, I'll have to explain where the hell I've been for the past month or so. Recently, I went to college... (yes, early) to get a head start on my course-work & to learn a little about the city. I haven't had a lot of time, nor patience, to write in my Xanga or, unfortunately, worry about what I eat as much as I used to. I had gained a few pounds... and can feel it in my clothes. Basically all I really want out of life is to be binge-free. I don't care if I'm ana...but I just need to break free from MIA.

This might sound silly, but I am going to be doing some exercises from the book I am currently reading, WHY WEIGHT? A Guide to Compulsive Eating, that will help me let go of this disgusting mindset/disorder. Hopefully, by the end of this, I'll be binge free, laxie free, & know how to eat healthily and in moderation. Once I do that, I truly do believe I can conquer this entire obsession with food, once and for all. Let's just hope, girls! ;-PSO, in the introduction to this book, Geneen Roth talks about dieting and how this whole disorder started. Her discussions about "trying every diet there was" and becoming so consumed in the whole concept of self-restriction, hit home for me; my disorder sprouted from a summer on the Atkins (eating vegetables, cream cheese, low carb bars, and eggs). Now that two years have passed, I can look back & say... gee, maybe not such a good idea. Clearly, from my summer on the Atkins, I become compulsive, constantly struggling with the oh-so-restricting Ana, and the let-loose-uncontrollable Mia. Which one do I choose? Why one do I drop? Obviously anyone would choose to eat less & be ana, rather than shove their face with 2500+ calories in one sitting, only to puke them up within the next 20 minutes.

No one wants to live like that. No one. But it's easier. It's easier to just let yourself HAVE that icecream cake or those cookies. It's great to treat yourself---but how much is too much? When do you know when to STOP treating, STOP eating after two cookies, or stop reaching for more potato chips? That's the problem with compulsive eaters... they don't know when to stop. They don't listen to the physical hunger pains, only the mental head-rush of wanting to either starve yourself skinny or consume every last thing in sight. It's a constant struggle. Hopefully, verrryyy verry much so, I am praying that this book, Why Weight, will help me figure out who I am and where this ED plays its role in my current lifestyle. If i discover no where, I'll run with it. Things happen in life that we can't describe... and if I find out that I can live without this ED, be skinny enough to the point that I am happy, and finally learn to be less critical towards my body & my attitude, I will, in fact, have ended my compulsive eating, and have begun living life for what it's really worth. =)Tomorrow, I will start the exercises/entries. Tomorrow I will eat very lightly & healthily. Tomorrow will be Day 1 of being Binge Free. Pray for me girls & wish me luck.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 00:15:17 GMT

FAT.

That's all I can say for myself.

I've let myself fall, girls. SO MUCH. I can't even recall the last time I thought about the calories/fat I was consuming.

I thought that was what I wanted---"normal eating" but clearly, I can't handle that kind of lifestyle. I can't handle HATING how my clothes fit (or don't fit)... I need to get back on track ASAP.

I'm gonna need some LOVE. Lots of it. I might start back on TrimSpa and just cut back on my calorie intake as much as possible. I just joined a NEW GYM, so I'll be able to work out (which I have grown to LOVE so much in the past month).

If anyone wants to write plans or diet together, pleaseee let me know.

LOVE YOU GIRLS!

Monday, July 04, 2005

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 01:03:42 GMT

"Cause people do it---
everyday--
promise themselves they're gonna change.

I've been there,

but I'm changin' from the inside out.
That was then and this is now.
I'm a new girl, yeah;

I'm a brand new girl.
And when they carve my stone
they'll write these words:

"Here lies a woman
who lived life
for all that its worth."

Monday, June 27, 2005

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 09:35:13 GMT

Last night, I started working on my "Coping Box." Basically I've just been decorating a shoe-box with a bunch of witty phrases related to eating, pictures of my role models (Christina Aguliera, Beyonce, Paris, etc), and other cute things.

This is the start of my box... with lots more to go! (Just click on the picture if you want to see it enlarged!)

This is the front of my box (the top)... At the top it says "You are what you eat" and on the bottom... well, you girls can see what it says I am a firm believer in telling people they are beautiful so seeing this little phrase each time I go to this box will definitely put a smile on my face

Now, I love this next quote. Liv Tyler, a relatively "average sized" female who is not afraid of her body and does not feel compelled to adhere to a certain standard, said this in a magazine interview. Personally, I think she is a wonderful role model, because, well, what she says is true. There is no checklist for beauty...

Finally, for now, this is my huge pile of things I am still working on trying to put onto (what soon will be) my two boxes. One box will have "coping alternatives" to binging, purging, starving, etc... for example, giving myself a pedicure/manicure, taking a bubble bath, reading for 30 minutes, etc. (I'll post more if you guys would like to see what I come up with? Let me know)... the second box will have Positive Affirmations that I can rely on whenever I need to feel better about myself. One of the recovery sites I visited told me to choose 3 or 4 to carry around with me during the day and to refer to them whenever I was feeling crummy. Anyway, if you girls are interested in making one of these boxes, let me know and I can explain in more detail what should be in them

I'll be back later, girls!! Thanks for all of the love and commenting recently. You girls are so strong & beautiful; I wish you all the luck you want and deserve today

*Edit

3/4 Cup Kashi Cereal- 110 Calories
1/2 Cup Soy Milk- 40 Calories
Key Lime Spritzer
Diet Coke

I actually feel pretty confident about my weight and my body today. I know i'm not MINI, but I actually looked into the mirror and smiled. Wow, thats a HUGE change. Maybe that collaging, along with music, affirmations, and shopping has helped

Dinner was String Cheese, unseasoned Stir Fry, & diet coke with splenda My mom made the Stir Fry which basically consisted of brown rice, tomatoes, chicken, and green beans. If I had to guesstimate how many calories it was, I'd say about 140

Stir Fry- 140 Calories
String Cheese- 80 Calories
Diet Coke

Today's Total- 370 Calories... so about 400.

That's pretty damn good if I do say so myself

How are you girls doing?? Stay Strong. <3 Tay

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 11:17:49 GMT

I can't believe I put Lindsay Lohan as my layout.

But I LOVE to hate her, and if she can lose weight, SO CAN I.

Love You girls <3

I'll be back later w/ the update!

*EDIT

This morning at breakfast, my waitress conveniently messed up my order; I ordered a Veggie Omlette with egg whites & dry wheat toast, just as it was advertised in the menu under the "Fit Fare" section. My omlette came out loaded with cheese and with buttered bread. I freaked out, gave the omlette back to the waitress, and told them I didn't want anything else. My mom didn't comment or ask me to order something else; she just continued to scarf down her skillet bowl of fat. I sat there and drank coffee and about 24 oz of ICE WATER. I was very, very pleased with this mess up.

So, I came home, took a TrimSpa, and ate a slice of Cantelope. I made up a "salad" for lunch w/ a few pieces of lettuce & some dressing. I put the salad in the sink and did not touch any part of it to my mouth. Go me, again.

We are about to go to the movies. My little cousins got candy prior to leaving, but I won't touch any of it. Instead, I'll stop at Starbucks before going into the movie and get a 25 calorie Americano w/ Sugar Free Hazelnut syrup. Either that or Diet coke... but I'm trying to stay away from the diet soft drinks. It doesn't matter though, as long as it's not FATTY HIGH CALORIE FOOD .

Breakfast: A bite of EW Omlette (10), 24 oz of Water, Coffee
Lunch: A slice of Cantelope (neg), TrimSpa, 16 oz Water
Snack: Grande Iced Latte from Starbucks (100), Diet Coke
Dinner: TBA... but definitely something small & low cal.

I'm not screwing this awesome day up