so here i am. starting over as usual. i feel like i'm just constantly starting over tomorrow. i'm ready for tomorrow to become today... for the day when my life isn't so fucking confusing to be right now. so here i am starting over. i'm a fucking hefer relatively speaking (5'6 & 123 pounds). i look back and think to myself....how in god's name was i so disciplined and skinny? 200 calories a day and 98 pounds seems like a dream...i'm willing to make that my reality once more. my life made so much sense then. everything was focused and in line and perfect. it was so simple i just didn't eat! well i'm ready once more to shut food out and let ana in. i am really going to need you guys' support and i know for a fact the only thing thats going to help me get through this is ya'll's support. todays intake wasn't to bad for a starting day but tomorrow's is going to have to be better if i'm going to be serious about all this (which i am!)

B: toast with grape jelly - 150 calories

L: diet coke and mini bag of popcorn - 50 calories

D: wine and veggie soup - 400 calories?

night time  - vodka & sprite (fucking pathetic) - 300 calories?

total - 900 calories?

okay so i take that back my intake was absolutely pathetic! i promise i'll be less dissapointing tomorrow! lots of luck to everyone and i hope ya'lls day was better than mine!

today was a pretty good day.

B: toast - 80 cals

L: green beans - 70 cals

D: soup - 380 cals

exercise (pilates) - -100 cals

total: 430

it could be lower but i'm trying to start out slow, so i don't blow it. I'm trying to lose 20 pounds by mid june because i'm going on a cruise...so i really need this to work.

my new stats are

height: 5'6

SW: 120

GW 1:110

ugw: 100

i have a lot of homework tonight so i'll write more tomorrow!

hello again.

i know i haven't been on here in forever. but i really scared myself in february. i was out at a bar, and i hadn't eaten all day. i felt great...completely light and free not even weak or anything. i wasn't drinking either just holding a beer and pretending to sip it so i wouldn't look like a freak (bc normal people don't turn down alcohol bc it's fattening like i do). anyway, all of a sudden i got completely dry mouthed so i headed to the bar to get some water. when i got to the bar my ears started ringing and evrything went black and when i came to i was on the floor, then my friends had to carry me out. it was terrible!!! my friends were like what did you eat today?! when i said nothing, they all looked at each other like silently saying "here we go again". my friend told my mom and she had this talk with me. fainting really freaked me out so i tried to eat normally but this past week when i was on spring break, i woke up in the middle of the night and felt sick (all i had all day was cereal at 9 am) so i went to the bathroom to throw up and i fainted again. i was lying in the hallway when i came to. luckily noone saw me, so i started eating normally again just because it really scared me. but for me its nearly  impossible to eat like everyone else does. its so hard. i either restrict or binge eat or binge purge. this cycle of uncontrolable eating is driving me crazy. i started cutting myself again, something i haven't done for like a year or so. i think it helps me cope with my lack of self control over my eating. it was so therapeutic the other day. i had just binged and purged and i felt terrible (emotionally) and there was a safety pin on my bathroom counter. so i took it and pressed hard and opened up an old scar. it helped so much, a giant calm fell over me and i could breathe again. i think when i was restricting routinely i was steady and in control so that i never felt the need to cut. so i am hoping to get back to that, because cutting scares me more then eating disorders do.

sorry for rambling but it felt good to finally get my feelings out. i never really open up to people so getting my thoughts out in writing helps me to cope.

my new food plan starts tomorrow...i'm gonna do this for my sanity. wish me luck!

erin

i'll post stats and all tomorrow

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

finally, a new year and a fresh start. new years eve was so fun. i didn't eat all day and then had three bottles of champagne at night. what a great feeling to be empty and a little drunk. that perfect drunk where everything seems wonderful and life is good. today i woke up not hung-over but extremely dehydrated so i binged all day long because i felt crappy. my friend who stayed in the hotel we rented last night had strept throat. i think i might be getting something too because i woke up with a throat ache this morning. is it sad that i kind of want to get sick? at least then i'd lose some weight! i won't put my intake for the day because it would be huge but tomorrow starts my new year of eating right. my resolutions are to wake up earlier, get dressed everyday (i usually stay in my pajamas all day), and try to get out more during the day. hopefully getting out more will keep me busy and not eating! i also want to focus more in school, get a job in a clothing boutique, and be nicer to people (i'm kind of grumpy sometimes...probably from lack of eating). well thats all for today. hope everyone's new years went wonderfully. Stay strong, thin, and beautiful everyone. WE CAN DO THIS!!!

here are some pics of me:

so those are my before photos. i think i'm somewhere between 115 and 120. i'll post some more in a few weeks to see if there is any difference.