um..

so we;ll try to keep this on the general theme that this page is going.i long gave inot the bathing suit thing...not that i should have btu i love to swim...my weight it actually the lowest it has been since i started xanga years ago.i just bought a size 13-14 pair of like bermuda shorts..whch is good and bad,see i was a size 16 when this all started btu then after my last entry i hit an all time high and was in a 18-pushing 20, btu recently i lost 30 lbs since this last nov.and teetering on lost 4 sizes...

i think im doing good btu bad b/c it has been so long and int he amnt of time 30 lbs not too much..btu ive got a wedding to go to soon and i need to get  a new outfit so i hope a comfortable ,and everything i try on will be  13-14 not just one or 2 pants..

okay later

been too long...sorry i have nothing to say right now...

///i willl always love u///

so lost

i think it's fair to say it's been a while since i have written on here.. so lets go over the unimportant details... went through 2more boyfriends.... nothing has worked out,,, and the weirdest thing is now i have found this guy and i just want to be with him so bad, i just want to spend every second i have standing next to him, i keep trying to  impress my self... and i dont think my efforts are working.. i dont even think from yesterday he remembers me today... i just feel like crying right now...and i cant help it.... last night i was thinking about him, during  a conversation with - my family-and he was brought up , and something in my head was like "wow, thats the man im goign to marry". and i always wondered if thats the way it would happen if u found that person perfect for you... b/c u hear stories about it.. but now i wonder if that was just me being hopeful.. but when it came into my head, i wasnt even thinking about begin with him, we were talking about how much he worked yesterday.... i dont know..  and u guys cant make fun of my for that b/c thats kinda personal and i really didnt want to write it but i had to... i dont know.. and i was supposed to go help finish the roof at 6 this morning, and no one woke me up... so now it's 9- he's been there since 6 and i am gonna be stuck here for a while.. and the worst part is there is rerally no point in me going since i have to get the girls up, clean thenh get dressed and then call... and on top of all this i have to work at like 4 today... i just want to spend evvery last minute with him...and i dont even know him... i dont htinki can really express my fellings in words, right now.

*ready-and-waiting-for-you*

wel not too much to say.. i went ot the pool today and i shoudl take writing tools every time i go to the pool, b/c i always feel so inspired there i could write a novel fomr the view of a ana girl sitting in the shade in a full set of clothes,like i do,r efusign to humiliate myslef by putting on a bathing suit and  letting everyone see my fat asss, in the pool.... lookign like beached whale.....uuugggg.
so yeah i have this really very cut bathing suit thats orange and tyes on the top but i cant fit into it, b/c of y giant ass and belly...and i was so depressed at the pool, i will never find someone 4 me,, every single guy in the place that i go to are hangin off of the arm of some size 6 blonde....i also have a black bathign suit i could wear.. and i cant b/c im soo fucking fat....

grrr.. i want to stuff 1000000000 diet pills down my throat and flush everything out and exersize till im nothing just so i can enjoy one fucking day at the pool with ppl loot me....

btw my mom was talkign about having a b/day party 4 my dad and a grad. party 4 me the same time;like togetehr,a nd i said no..i will NOT, i would like.. for once something to revolve around me, nothign has been about me 100% not even my b-days or fuckign graduation which i had to work my ass off for and i graduated with A's and like almost a 4.0 gpa.. so dont u think i fucking deserve to have it be about me.. and i really want to see my sister and i guess she was gogin to try and see if she could come up for it, but i would love to see her sinc ei havent seen her in over 10 yrs, but if she shows up, all the family i invite 4 me, is gogin to be all over her... and thats not fair to me.. grantedi have had them for how long- but still how would u feel if u had a party to celebrate something u did and u just sat ther alone b/c eveyrone was huddled around someone else....who just happens to be thing and beautiful.. every time i seen thin beautiful girls at the pool todya i just wanted to fuckiogn cry my eyes out and i cant.. so it sucks to be me huh? and about me telling my mom no 4 the grad party... she just yelled at me and said everything cant be about me.. but all i got to tell her (4 my reasoning) was i wanted to not share it....so she took it the wrong way and doesnt understand.....

i wish sometimes i could just sleep untill somethign exciting happens,, or sleep long enoufgh to lose weight..

*girl-ready-to-run-away-from-the-pressure-and-misunderstandings-surrounding-her-life-....-save-me-someone*