Yeah, its christmas time, but where has the joy gone?

With life being mediocre, and shit happening from all angles, things are becoming abit dull, depressing and disappointing during christmas. A time where love is maximised, families unite, friends "get pissed"... and a new year opens a door of excitement, adventure and "the unknown"

With upsetting events revolving around me, i'm finding it hard to grasp hold onto this christmas spirit of happiness. Two of my best mates have fallen out, and i'm left in the middle holding onto this glimmer of hope that things will return to normal. Never have i felt such sadness, but these two mean too much to me for me to just stand back and see them crumble.

I suppose whatever the bad story is during xmas, the only consolation is that the new year is arriving, and it's a psycological boost for us to try and mend mistakes.. forget what we regret and plan for future success.

Who knows what life holds ahead of us and only time will tell... But things do get better, as there will be a point that things can't get worse. I do believe this.. but being in the situation of falling lower and lower.. it's difficult to look on the brightside.

Best of luck to everyone around this time, and i hope xmas brings you things you want, and for those who don't get what they want.. BRING ON THE NEW YEAR!

merry xmas and a happy new year

DREAMS...

a dream, a desire, desperations, aspirations.. goals..

everyone have things they want, things they need... these make you happy, joyful and even complete. Life is about achieving what you want, and it makes you happy to even come close to it.

Disappointment occurs when these are far away, unreachable, looming over you waiting for a reaction. why is it that disappointment is something to walk away from, but can always come back and hit you.

Love is the goal everyone wants to reach, everyone tries to find, everyone struggles to find, everyone hopes, needs, loves.

everyone is different, everyone wants different things, different kind of love, different kind of goals, different just different. Some people can get things others cant, some people have things that others dont, some people want things that others dont want, people have things that they dont want, but others want. difference in life.. describes life.

disappointment is someone else's joy, failure is someone else's success, someones goal is someones destiny, but destiny is not always reached due to choice.. disturbances..

when there's birth, theres death, there's always two sides to a story, and maybe two stories with one side... life is questionable... life is enjoyable, life is unpleasant, life is love, life is hate, life has choices, life is restricted.. destiny is fate, yet choices change it

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going, make a choice, something kills only if you let it kill.. make a choice.. a choice of life.. make your dream, the dream doesn't make you

The turning point in my life is nearing

Long time no update so here goes...

Been through abit of a rough patch, as those of you who are close would know. And my year's constant build up of stress, pressure and depression exploded over the few weeks after hongkong. Words coming out that were never meant, harsh things being told, and conflict of opinions heading eachother's direction.

That's all in the past, i have no reason to carry it on my shoulders as a burden, i will just get on with life.

No matter what happens, i'm going to uni, i'm going to get a degree, and i'm going to be successful. I'm doing it my way, i don't care if people don't like the things i do, say, act... this is my life, this is my road, and this will be my success.. i'm not going to fail

Knowing that my knee injury is serious, and may even falter my future sports participation, i've finally got to the point of saying, i don't care. I've had enough of using it as an excuse for my failure... It's now my REASON FOR SUCCESS. Just because the NHS don't care enough to act, doesn't mean i should be the one held back.

I've had a rocky year.. but this year coming is full of meaning, i'm young, i have potential, i just need the right frame of mind. Now is the time i MUST act.

The future is bright, the future is mine...

let's see if you've done a Michael Owen

Yes you have...

Bolllocks!!! So, i've torn my Cruciate Ligament in my left knee. And i'm out for another 9 months minimum. How can i be optimistic? How can i not talk so negatively? Life's crap.

So, i have to wait about 10 weeks, for an MRI scan.. and after that i presume i have to wait another 3 months before my operation.

SURGICAL PROCESS.... http://www.arthroscopy.com/sp05018.htm

Life goes on...

no fun, no motivation, no heart, no life..

So, it looks as if my South Africa Rugby Tour next year wont be something i'm looking forward to, as it seems to be out of my reach now.

It's taken 9 months for the doctors to realise i have a big problem with my knee.. great!.. It took me 7 months of nagging to make them look at my knee with more curiosity for them to say.. "your knee is fucked"

Some have said that this is my biggest test in life, yet i believe that it's the turning point. Nothing seems to be going right.. everyone says that things will get better.. But can it really get worse? well, obviously it has done since i'm going to have to live through another grueling year of hell. "It's alright..", "You've been taking it quite well.." Well, these comments are totally wrong. What can i do? Nothing, is precisely the answer. Whats the point in doing anything if nothing is going to make me as happy as i could be. I dream of stepping onto a football pitch, and not worry about injuries.. but now its all different. I've lost motivation to go out, laugh, study...

The worst thing is, i don't think my parents know the level of disappointment and unhappiness i am going through. It's like life has turned upside down.

What if everything isn't going to be ok? what's the point of me going to Loughborough Uni? I can't even use their sports facilities that had attracted me to it in the first place. I would lose the sports ego i had through secondary school. I wouldn't make the sort of friends that i want. and most importantly, i wouldn't be happy.

This academic year has been the hardest.. it's not because the work is more difficult (i didnt think so) it's because i didnt have the motivation, the heart to study to my potential. I know for sure that i would have done better this year if i had sports to turn to, but ultimately it wasn't the case. There's just way too much pressure on me to do well, but i don't put that pressure on me. I've got this "live life to the full" attitude, but without sports, i'm living life as if its empty. So why bother? If i even get BBCC this year, i'd be the luckiest person in the world, because i know i havn't done anything. I know i've messed up, i know i don't exactly care either. Who knows.. i'm debating whether to drop out of A levels at the end of this year, because without sports i have no motivation to study. Why should i put myself through another year of hell, why should i do something i don't want to? why, just why?

Yesterday was my brothers graduation, yes i was extremely happy for him, and to some extent, it made me feel, i want some of that happiness and pride from my parents. But deep down, i know i don't want it. My mom's giving all this pressure saying.. you'll be wearing this graduation gown and cap soon... i told her i wont be.. and she goes that i'm talking nonesense. And she's always told me she wouldnt give me pressure??? Well, she's lied.

We'll just wait and see, but after 17th Aug (results day), that will seal my fate..

"cus i WANT IT ALL or NOTHING AT ALL"

Life will never be the same again