I learned a lot in a Bible study this week. It was really good! It was about spiritual and emotional growth. And how your emotional state can show someone where you are spiritually. And how we grow physically at the same rate but spirtiually and emotionally different. The lesson over all, completely correlated with various aspects of my life at this point.

I had a fight with my sister today! It was over a misunderstanding and you know what I'll even take the blame for it. But she picked the fight! I kept trying to keep it from becoming an argument and she just wouldn't let up. And she wouldn't let me expalin. It's really funny now that I think about it, I kept thinking about her during the Bible study lessona dn she proved my thoughts correct. She keeps claiming that she is growing spiritually and doing all the things on the outside. But she has not changed one bit emotionally. At all! And I believe that are spiritual and emotional growth are directly correlated. She is so mean, vengeful, vicious, spiteful and just very worldly when it comes to her emotions. She is constantly reacting to everything. So she was mad at me. And although I believe she was mad for no reason, I was going to let her be mad or whatever but then she just had to dig even deeper. And I didn't do anything wrong, she wouldn't let me expalin but she continued to yell and attacke me. She took someone's word over mind. It was really hipocritical. She was telling me not to do something, that I didn't do and yet she was basically doing the same thing. And then she brought up the past. Things that I had already apologized for and asked for her forgiveness and she claimed she had. And the things she brought up didn't hurt but the fact that she was trying to pierce me hurt. And then she went on to proclaim that she was a good sister and yada yada yada and that I wasn't. OMg! She always dissing me for her boy friend, and other people. Is it my fault that other people are more readily willing to help me then she is. Most days you have to beg her and answer 21 questions. I know most days she wishes other people were her sisters. Infact she once told me that and just last week she uelled and screamed that I was not her sister and that I would no longer find a sister in her. I mean come on! I try and I try it's no use! She acts like she is perfect. She has said so many hurtful things and yet I am the one to go to her and try and reconcile although I was jsut defending myself.

You know this is besides the point but my sisters are talking about me behind my back right this second and they think I can't hear them...It's really funny! I love how they can turn so quickly on me! It's great! And they wonder why I would rather hang with other people then them. ha ha..lol it's not that funny. I want so badly to be close to my sisters. And the past year or 2 I've tried so hard and yet they keep pushing me away. I know I am not perfect but they definetley act like they have no flaws. When I am home, I feel so alone. I'll get off of work and be really tired and see that they are still up and go and hang out with them, Just because I want to hang wth them, but I never feel wanted. I feel so out of place with them!...I not trying to be on the pity parade or anything. I really don't want anyone to pity me or feel bad. Just pray because sometimes I feel so unloved and even worse unloveable. Maybe it'll be better if I jsut disappear/move out or something. It's ok, cus God loves me.

I so wish that I got on yesterday like I wanted to. I had so much to say. ...

I am so excited about July 6th. The choir at church is going to be amazing. I about passed out with jubilation when I heard the choir! I am so excited that the 3/4 different choirs/churches are combing for the 4th of July weekend. You can actually hear the men and they sound incredible. I hope I remember to record it! I hope my focus remains pure! I hope my  heart and attitude stays in check. Lord you know why...God is so good.

I love my job! I feel so blessed to have it! I am trying to be a witness to all of my co-workers. I invited one of them to church with me, she won't be able to amke it, but i will try again! OMg. One of my co-workers is really testing my patience. I know God is using him to improve me but I am failing every single test. He is so infuriating! When I try to take the high road and be Christ-like, it's like he digs even deeper! Lord I need your help to win this battle! I need to be humble! Today I was trying so hard, but then he was rude and I retaliated with a smart alleck response. I have a way of being really sarcastic and I am trying to stop. But i couldn't help but laugh even though I know I allowed my flesh to overcome because I was so right! Lord I pray that you will help me to keep my mouth shut and instead pray when I desire to put someone in "their place".

While at church I realized yet again that God has such a great sense of humor. By nature I am so independent, strong willed, and controlling. And yet God desires the complete opposite spirit in me. I was cracking up in church as i thought of this. I am to be broken and humble. I am to not be in control. i am to be dependent on Him! I so often find myself in the drivers seat but even more often I am a back seat driver! And that is even worse! I like to be in control! I like to have a plan and follow through! I like to know somewhat what type of outcome is to be expected! I like thinking i have all the answers! It is so hard to allow God to do what he wants to do in my life, although that is my desire! What a work God has to complete in me. I am so glad he isn't done and that he won't give up. Now if I would just stay out of his way and let him work!

I was like oh yea I need to post. And by the time the xanga page loaded, my mind went completely blank...

Why are people so gloomy? And by people I mean Christians. Why do we suck all the fun out of our faith? We walk around like zombies trying to spread the joy of Christ, with absolutely no joy in our demeanor. Ha! It's kind of funny. Some of the most miserable people I know are christians. You know any one where nothing in their life ever is good. You ask them how they are doing and it's always horrible...And then something good will happen, like an answer to their prayer and still they find something to complain about! OMg! Actually it's kind of depressing! And when you desire to be just a little bit optimistic and God forbid, happy, you are told to grow up! And some shpeel about them being a realist. Yea well there is a fine line between pessimist and realist and being and optimist and living in a fantasy world. If growing up means to be a dull, fun sucking, no laughter, miserable stick, I think I'll pass! Some people's views of God and life is totally screwed up. I mean yea there are a lot of bad people and things in the world, a lot of pain, suffering, and death, but i mean come on. Get real! How about you grow up! And laugh, have fun, soar, be spontaneous, make a few waves, take a risk, spark up the joint a little bit, trust God, and live.

I think we all have our moments. Those who are pessimist can have a moment of light and see the silver lining, And optimists have dark seasons where all they see is their own self pity and everything seems like the end of the world. But isn't there a balance inbetween? I like to see myself as an optimist. I try to find something good in every situation. But I have my moments when I am immersed in my own self pity and I don't want to come afloat. But when I do find my way out I don't plan on ever diving in again. I am so glad that I am myself again. Or at least on the way, all because I obeyed God. Who would have thought? God, you have a great sense of humor!

I've learned 4 songs on the guitar! Yipee!