| a greetingToday is a remembrance of the one who loved me, greeted like a king with palm leaves, He came into Jerusalem. |
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| bye, byegoing to NYC to visit Nicole and stay with Tristan's bro and sister-in-law. I'll post up pictures
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| My mom's recovery
She has begun recovery from the heart surgery. These photos are from day 1 and day 2 of recovery.
Thanks to everyone who prayed for her.
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| I cannot sleep b/c my heart is haunted...I cannot sleep.
It has been over a year now where I have left an environment that was suppose to be an act of service to the Lord, that was suppose to be an act of faith to remain a part of 21 months ago. In a sense of duty, I attempted reconciliation in probably the most healthy fashion that it could have been. Yet still I am haunted with the thoughts now of how I could of, should of have made a different choice. The different choice would have perhaps protected me. In duty to the Lord, I remained... slowly losing my sense of freedom, the liberation to be bold and extroverted as I naturally am, plagued with mistrust with the majority who were suppose to be the "iron sharpening iron." Now I lay awake regretting that I went through that as well as leadership at all because I mistrust God, that He protects those who volunteer to service Him. How? Because for the sake of His world-size purpose, my heart tells me that I have been labeled some how worthless to be concerned with how I am affected or trampled in the process. I absolutely dislike that I feel this way. I detest how I did not look upon kindness from as an act of genuine love at this time but as acts that were made out of duty or definition of what it means to a Christ-follower. And so, I gave up my boldness to fall in line with what I "should have done" and I did it.
I have turned away from Boston Conservatory's Christian ministry, The Tent. The leadership has told me of their situation and status letting me know that my encouragement and experience would be appreciated and very much needed. I appear for prayer meetings and offer them my prayers. Yet still...I cannot endure ministry for Him without believing that God will let me be trampled upon. Yes, all things are for a purpose as Jenn as mentioned from Tent. I shared with her where I am as honestly as possible, including Pastor Joseph from Mosaic Boston searching for a cure or someone to guide me through some type of healing process. I was once angry with the Lord, but now maybe it all began with my choice to stay in service. I cannot shake it.
The worst part is that this experience is not a testament to God's awesomeness or His Holiness and how He brought me from the dead. It's just a story of regret for "stepping up." Yet I feel as though it would not have been a bad choice to not "reconcile;" I do not know why I feel so strongly about it now. It was suppose to go away all this time.
I miss ministries like Mercy Walk. Although I was only there for a summer, it was a safe place. The small group was a safe place. Grad school as been kicking my behind as it should, but not to the point where I have not fully engaged with a small group or Bible study. Pastor Joseph has offered to go to coffee with me, which I must commend how he is willing to know the individuals in the congregation at Mosaic Boston. I do enjoy going to a church of many young newly weds and many musicians from near by conservatories like myself. It's intense to be in the world of music (classical) competition and not bring Christ into the picture. Many things are accepted that probably would not be in suburban-conservative society. Still my most often turned to relief is busting out favorite old hymns on the piano and not singing to them. Although voice is my major and focus, it is when I step away from singing I feel the most relief. Competition and pressure is not always a pleasurable experience.
God still brings me to tears at the simple reminder of what He gave up for me, how He would still give His life to safe even if it was only for me, etc. I simply need only to be reminded to be moved as if hearing the Good News for the first time. Yet I feel this unresolved issue with Him. Perhaps it would not be there if only I said, "no, I have too much school work." starting all the way from fall of 2004. Yes, Jen who I've known through Quad has said that many benefited from my participation in service, and her voice may weigh heavily because it is with her and her group members that I interacted with gladly--without duty or obligation. I just wish there were more workers for the massive harvest of the Lord. Because I am too easily heart-broken by the need and too eager to take action to relieve it for my own good.
It's not my job. I cannot let myself remain haunted. I am pass the stage of anger with Him, but now I dwell in mistrust, while I do not have a problem sharing about it, I am concerned about the discouragement it may pass on. This is my honesty, and in many ways, I wish I could sugar coat what is in my heart and how I am affected by the past.
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