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Sunday, September 18, 2005

I'm feeling very alone. No one is around... it's just me, my music, and my thoughts. The person I might talk to is asleep. And I'm shaking cause of the damn withdrawal, also feel like I'm about to puke. They say it goes away in a couple days but it's been over a week, and it definitely hasn't gotten any better. Stupid doctors.

I don't want to move, too much effort. I don't want to sleep, horrible nightmares. I don't want to breathe, too much pain. For the first time in a couple days I feel the urge very strongly. I'm so lost, where have I gone?? Who have I become? I'm not the person I was before. And I don't think it's been a positive change. I'm no longer social, at all. I can't make friends anymore. They don't like me, I'm too quiet and weird.

Brendan....

I'm so sorry. I miss you.

I miss you.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Being at college has totally thrown off everything. Why? It shouldn't have. It's not that big of a change. So I'm living somewhere else. So I have different friends (if you could call them friends). This shouldn't mean that my depression gets thrown right back into the deep dark depths I was trudging in a few months ago. I was starting to get better, I was starting to feel happier, I was starting to see the good things in life again. Just starting to. And now I feel like I've retrogressed even further.

Who am I? Why is this happening to me? God, I won't be able to do it a second time if what happened a few months ago starts happening again. I won't be able to get through it. I don't know how the hell I did it the first time. I wouldn't say it was strength of character or resilience or any of that crap. I say it was luck. Cold hard luck. And I wouldn't be that lucky again.

I don't want to die. I really don't. Not yet.

I just... I miss her so much. My best friend. I've never found anyone like her. We were both so lonely about a year and a half ago, and then (thank God) we found each other. I honestly don't know where I'd be if not for her. I certainly owe a lot to her. Probably my life. I love her with everything I have, and it's so hard to be here without her.

I don't want to die. I don't want to do that to her. It would kill her, she's said so herself. It would kill her. And I'm not a murderer.

I'm not at that point yet.

But the way things are headed...

I'm starting to not care about classes, all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to "have fun" or any of that crap. I want to sit in my room, alone, with the lights out. And these are the first signs. This is the point at which it starts to get bad.

Will I be lucky again?

Monday, September 12, 2005

This will be my secret xanga. The one that no one I know will ever see. The one I keep hidden, the one I keep for myself. I have another one... it's for my friends. The entries are happy, innocent, and superficial. It's basically to keep them happy and satisfied, and to keep them out of the realm of my underlying feelings. But this one... this one will be for me.

I'm not really sure where to begin. I have a lot to say. And at the same time, I feel like I have nothing to say. There's so much emotion, so much going on, that it's like I can't even feel it. It's like I'm shutting myself out... of myself. I know this is common. The feeling of numbness, emptyness. And I know that, with time, it will clear itself up and everything will be back to normal, whatever normal is. But it's been like this for so long, sometimes I lose hope. I don't feel that things will ever go back to the way they were before. People talk about how they can't remember the way things were 'before' ... I can. It's been a long time, but I remember. And I think that's why it hurts so much to be how I am today. Because I remember how good it can be, and I know what I am missing. It's the contrast, the stark difference between what was and what is that hurts the most. I can deal with the feelings themselves... but it is hard to see them in comparison to what they could be. It's scary and almost overwhelming to want nothing more than to die, and at the same time remember what it was like to want to live. I know. You think that since I can remember what it was like to feel like that... then I should just be able to feel that way. But somehow it doesn't work that way. There's just too much. Sometimes I don't know what to do.

Maybe this xanga... this release of my feelings will help me figure out what to do.