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| Working ungodly amounts of hours gives me less time to think about how the holidays make me want to die. I worked 8 hours yesterday, I'm working 8 today, 8 on Christmas Eve, 8 the day after Christmas... I don't get much of a break at all. At least I'm making money. When I do have time to myself, I feel miserable. My liveliness depends on other people, which is dangerous. I just have to stay busy.
I can tell that I've lost some weight. My ribcage is more striking. It feels so good to run my hands down and feel the seperation of each rib.
Suprisingly, all the holiday food hasn't been an issue this year.
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| I hate myself.
I drank for the first time in almost a year last night. I went home from school with two guys yesterday. I smoked far too much weed. I was the only girl there amongst 15, drunk, stoned guys. I sat there, plastered to one of the couches, too stoned to move. I finally got a beer. and then 4 more before I left at around midnight.
It felt great, being fucked up. Saying that scares the shit out of me. My little brother picked me up. He knew immediatley that I was drunk/high and he got extremely angry. I told him that I was just being a normal teenager. He pulled over the car and yelled at me in tears,
"I stopped everything because I saw what happened with your life. I saw you in agony because of drugs and I don't ever want to see it again."
All I want right now is to be obliterated. I'm so fucking stupid. I told myself I shouldn't drink. I knew this would happen. I knew I'd start wanting again. I knew that if I got fucked up once, I'd start using it as an excuse. I'm all or nothing. It's going to be the death of me.
"I never had a problem with pot or alcohol. I got addicted to pain killers because I broke my neck. I'm not really an addict."
I'm calling my own fucking bluff. Right now, I almost believe that I am.
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I am a horrible human being. I've stopped selling drugs and sleeping around, but my intentions are still as ill as ever. I am a selfish little bitch. I haven't grown up at all in almost 18 years.
I broke a boy's heart once. I was too hung up on some other shithead to realize what was in front of me. Or maybe I did, and I just didn't care. I took his virginity and stomped on his heart. I was inspiration for many, beautifully tragic paintings. Three of which hang on my bedroom walls. He told me he loved me. I don't remember what I said, I just remember the look on his face.
We spend time together every so often. He's dating one of my friends who goes to college a few hours away. I introduced them last year without even realizing it. She's the jealous type. I'm not stupid enough to come in between them. But why does it feel good everytime she calls and I'm with him? Why does it please me to hear him say,
"I'm with Meghan." "No, I promise I won't forget to call you later." ?
I am a stupid, stupid bitch. | | | |
| "I'm shining brightly, but you're fucking cold. And you're gonna be cold for a good, long time."
-The Sun, Today.
While the rest of the world is decking the halls and baking cookies, I'm preparing for hibernation. I might as well just surrender to the grey. Fighting never did anything but hurt.
Assume the fetal position, cover ears, and avoid thought at all costs.
Yada-yada.
I know the drill.
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| I got less than 4 hours of sleep last night. I layed in bed for hours, freezing to death. That's a terrible feeling. Thank God for concerta. Without it, I'd be the walking dead. I was puking up bile for 20 minutes during 5th hour. I guess no sleep and a whole lot of medicine on an empty stomach isn't the best plan.
The show was fun. Everyone had the same retarded hair and there was plenty of gender confusion. Scissors would have been fantastic. Sonny Moore was short and we left 3 minutes into their set. I don't want to be an elitist bitch, though!
Just kidding. LOLz!!
I had a 1/4 a bowl of life cereal and a whole lot of water today. I look forward to puking up bile again tomorrow. I wish I had something better to say. | | |
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