annabelled's Xanga

CC: Cream Always Rises to the Top!

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 02:35:53 GMT

We placed third. I didn't stutter people... we placed THIRD place in San Antonio. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I really didn't know where they were going to place us after the roller coaster ride of shows we have had in the past week. We win Orlando and we beat Cadets again and then then beat us twice in a row after that. Phew... it's enough to make you sick. Or at least leave you a bit queasy and light headed.

I was lucky enough to be the one to check in with Ray and EVD tonight. Jeanna and I switch off so I was SUPER excited when I got to check in. This is a big regional. I got to be important. When I walked into that dome I thought I was going to pee myself. I know it sounds really cheesey and infantile, but I was star struck. I've competed in BOA and regionals in big domes and in college I did exhibitions, but this is something else. I'm not marching and I wouldn't ever say that I could experience a DCI regional from the level the corps members do, but to know... that I was apart of something great. Something big... makes all the other stuff seem so small. When I was standing on the sidelines waiting for the scores and they starting announcing 8th and 7th place I was thinking, "Ugh, I wish they would hurry up and get to the important scores." Then it dawned on me... I remember when we would get to those placements and I would just pray we would get close to that. Now, we are sitting in the top. We are really doing it and I get to be apart of that. I've never marched... and that has always been the single biggest regret of my life. I will never get to experience the way the corps members do, but it is something else to be apart of something great. I may have never marched, but it is still something special. I'm so excited and happy for the corps! What an incredible year!

Tomorrow is our free day in San Antonio. I'm so excited. For YEARS I hear about the free day in San Antonio. We are going to see the new Batman movie and walk the river walk. FUN! Then onto Louisiana, the crotch of America.

This summer has been something else and I can't believe that it is almost over. I don't know what is around the bend for me, but I can't wait to find out. There are a lot of plans in the works. I know that my involvement with drum corps is only going to increase and I can't wait. Who knew that when I was four years old in that old rickety stadium when I saw my first corps show that it would become such a huge part of my life. Drum corps made me want to go into music. It has been a big part of my life for over 21 years. I'm excited.

All I need now is someone who will share this ride with me.... one thing at a time I guess.

CC: Last in San Antonio... HELL YEAH

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 15:56:36 GMT

So here I sit in Gonzales, TX in a laundry mat waiting for the 50 uniform pants in the washer to finish. It's fine because I had such a fabulous day yesterday. Now, I know that it is going to sound crazy, but I went to Sam's Club with the corps director Kevin Smith and had a FABULOUS time. We talked and I got to see the country side (or desert) of Texas and it was a blast. It is hot as hell I can tell you that, but it's okay.

We have our San Antonio regional tonight. Now, for those of you who follow drum corps know that this is a big deal. It is the first time we all get to see each other... and we are going on LAST. After Blue Devils and after Cavies. We are doing encore and this is such a HUGE deal. Last year we were happy if we were close to Boston and SCV. Now we are duking it out with the big dogs. As Seth would say, "I'm not saying we're going to win, but we are getting a medal". That is just an amazing thought to me. That is just FUCKING COOL! You can't be in a bad mood with that!

So that has been my past couple of days really. Jeanna and I climbed this really cool tree outside of the school we are staying at... she scrapped the crap out of her ass. It was sorta funny, but she is determined not to let the tree defeat her. She said today that she is going to put on long sleeves, pants, and a helmet and conquer the tree. Okay...

There really isn't much I CAN say on here. There is a lot I want to say, but I think it best that I keep all that to myself. Don't want too many of you stalker xanga readers to ask too many questions. Just know that emotionally I think I have been on the rollar coaster ride of my life and if I can just find my center of gravity I'll be alright... just wish I didn't care so much.... oh well... can't tell the heart how to feel or the mind where to wander. Just go with the flow and hope that it doesn't throw you over board. (Wasn't that poetic?) Okay enough deep thoughts on my feelings. My vulnerable side is showing...

CC: WE ROCK

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:54:42 GMT

Just for the record in case you haven't been keeping up....

WE BEAT THE CADETS... TWICE!

GO CROWN!!!

It's Complicated...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:52:25 GMT

It's in your facebook relationship status... It's when you don't want to go through explaining something... It's life...

It's Complicated.

So there are been some recent turn of events that have caused me to wonder.. Is something ever TOO complicated. Here is my reasoning for this: people are who they are. There are complicated people and there are simplistic people. There are people who get tunnel visioned by life and those who see nothing but the big picture. I asked the question to one of my friends the other night if he thought he was complicated. He said no and then asked if I thought I was. I stopped and thought... well, yes.

It really is a catch 22. If you are TOO complicated then people easily get frustrated and don't want to even bother getting to know you. If you are too simple then people get easily bored with you. I think that I blame today's society of instant gratification. You can sit down at a computer and learn all you need to know in about 30 minutes. The rest of the time you are cruising for porn. (yeah be honest) So when it comes to actually dealing with people then we have lost the ability to understand there is always more then what meets the eye.

Maybe that's why all my closest and dearest friends are super quiet. Because they are complicated. They are layered. It is like everyday I learn something new and different and it is an adventure. What is so wrong with taking the time, even if you have known someone for years, and finding out different things about them. Trying something new? Not just accepting things as they are, but actually just trying to take in all that you can about the people around you? You might be surprised what you would find.

You might find someone that you really liked has some hang ups that you didn't know about or that someone you hated has the same fears and insecurities you do (that can be a good and bad thing). I know that a lot of people that I have met that i have hated initially have turned out to be someone of my closest friends and some people that I thought were one way were totally different.

Lately, I've been dealing with some stuff that I just can't seem to get a grip on. That's the problem when you deal with other people... you only know what you know and how you feel... you never know what is going on with the other person. In drum corps you really can't let the personal stuff get in the way. You sorta have to toughen up, bottle it up, and hope to god that no one can read it on your face. I know... that my philosophy has been that you just come right out and say it. You say whatever it is you are thinking or feeling and fuck the consequences....

Well.... It's complicated.

I can't cause drama because I want to do well at my job. I want to be able to look back on the summer and say, "I did a fucking incredible job". That doesn't involve what I'm feeling. I also want to have a job in drum corps. I have been talking to some really important people lately and it is looking like there is an endless possibility for me to continue this. Which is fucking fantastic because it means that I"ll be doing something I love. I mean I won't be making nearly as much money as I would if I kept up in PR, but who cares? I'll be happy. That's all that matters. Anyway, I digress. The point is I have a lot I need to say or want to say and can't. It is like you are made to be in your own little world and just deal with it. It is definitely a life lesson for me. Usually I come right out and let the other person know exactly how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, but not this time. This time I'm going to play it smart. It's better that way... right?

This job is so hard. You can make friends, but you have to watch your back. You have to care, but not care too much. You can't let your emotions get in the way, but you have to put all that you are in everything you do. It's teaching me to be a better person. I'm really coming into my own. I'm learning that I deserve to be happy... even if that means that I'm not the richest woman in the world and I might never own the best of anything. I deserve to be happy and that's all that matters. I love the sleeping in the bus and problem solving and sitting on the sidelines when they say, "And winning the gold medal in tonight's competition... Carolina Crown". That makes all the tears and frustrations worth it.

I go unnoticed a lot of the time. I work my ass off and the corps would never know, but you know what... that's okay. I'm so proud of them and I care about each and everyone of them. I'm having the time of my life and I'm making memories that I wouldn't trade in for any amount of money.

I miss all of you at home and I can't wait to see all your loving faces again.

CC: Are We There Yet?

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:32:21 GMT

It is currently 5am and I'm awake. It was a seven hour bus ride from Erie, PA to wherever, NY we are going. This is the only time I can use the internet on the bus without it being slower then crap because everyone else uses it right after shows or on the way to shows.

I got a small bout of homesickness tonight. My head hurt and I was tired. People here on the staff bus were boozing it up and being loud and for the first time in a couple of weeks I missed home so badly I wanted to cry. We also were watching Animal Planet (I don't know how we ended up there either) and a sharpei that was neglected came up on the screen. They said that they were going to have to put it down because it was so bad off and I cried so hard because all I could think about were my dogs and how I hope that they were okay and how much I missed them. I miss my best friend and I miss the reality of home.

It is so easy to get caught up in craziness here on tour. Keith and I were having that conversation earlier this evening. I would like to say I have a pretty solid grasp on communication, the human psyche, and sociology because those are things that I'm constantly studying and researching. But when I got here everything I knew went right out the fucking window.

There are things happening that you would never have predicted. People messing around with people that you would never expect to hook up. People who would never say a cross word in their life cursing people out at the drop of the hat. Strong people broken and weak people persevere. It's topsy turvy!

I don't know... but I can say for certain this is going to be the most insane thing that I have ever done in my entire life! As the song from Wicked says, "Who can say if I have been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for good."

We got mail today. I FINALLY got my jeans and some sweatshirts that I've been NEEDING. I didn't think that it was going to be as cold as it has been. Watch I say that and then we go to LA, MI, and TX and I'll be half naked most of the time. I'm getting DARK. Yeah Phillipino half! I also got Chris' DS and the book 'Would You Rather'... which is a very dangerous game on a drum corps staff bus. I found out things that I never wanted to know!

I hate to say this, but I'm glad that I'm not into trying to fit in. If I make friends and happen to be included... great, but I'm not going to go out of my way to be someone I'm not or act a certain way to get the approval of people around here. I have worked too damn hard to be who I am and the person I want to become to let the craziness of the next six weeks mess that up, which it could easily do. Don't get me wrong. I'm making friends and I'm having a great time... I just see too many people try to hard to be included when it isn't necessary if you are confident about yourself.

There are some people in particular that I'm getting to know that are incredible! They make me smile and I am so glad that I have met them. It is so glad to meet people that have no expectation of me. Now, I know that statement can't be completely true because EVERYONE expects something from someone. What I mean is that there is no hidden agenda. They don't want me to take care of them or try to force me to be or feel something that I'm just not. Our friendship just is. We are just who we are. That's so comforting and it makes me smile.

I love being on tour, but I can NOT wait until our free day. And I can't wait to see my family on the 7th! Seriously... a connection with anything from the real world will be nice. I get to see my mom who I LOVE and I know that she will feed me well. Miss Pam feeds us great and I love her to death, but she's got nothing on my Momma. I also get to see the kids and I get to see Danielle and Rachel for the first time since they were both married and had kids. That's so weird to think of them as mothers and wives. GEEEZZZ... I'm falling behind. Oh well, better late then married to an asshole.

I know a lot of you are reading this so please drop me a line. I would love the words of encouragement and love because this is definitely a hard job and I need to know that you guys are still out there.

Relationships

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 16:09:40 GMT

Okay... enough about drum corps. I want to do some real blogging.

Damn it... I guess that it all ties in with drum corps. You know it is like its own little world when you are on tour. Relationships get frazzled and you don't know which way is up.

I've had A LOT of time to think about what is going on in my relationships with people. Romantically, friendships, and family. This has taught me that I can't keep settling for mediocrity. I have always been so quick to just accept cheap imitations. Seriously... CHEAP imitations.

In my life I have accepted several different types of men and their bull shit in my life.

I have been with:
...Let's just be friends, but I still want to mess around.
...I want to control you and your every move.
...I worship the ground you walk on and have no opinions of my own.
...I want you to take care of me like my momma would.
...I'm immature and don't respect you, and all I really want is someone to call my g/f and have sex.
...I'm better then you and you should worship the ground I walk on and don't understand why you don't.
...I'm not interested in a real relationship, I just want to marry you and make babies with you.
...I don't care how you feel right now, because the only opinion that matters is mine.
...I don't know how to properly express how I'm feeling so I won't even bother trying.

The list goes on and on.

Are you seeing my point? In the few weeks I have been here I have acquired the ability to weed out the bullshit. I'm not going to sit there and take it any more. Now, I'm not saying that I want to be worshiped or treated like a princess. I'm not saying I want to be ignored either.

I'm saying I want someone who can excite me mentally and comfort me emotionally. I want someone who can help me with a problem, not fix it for me or tell me that I'm on my own in figuring it out. I want someone who makes me laugh and I mean really laugh not the 'I'm laughing because you're stupid' laugh. I want someone who doesn't treat me like a cum rag, but isn't a prude either. I want a friend. That is the most important part. I want a friend who is going to love me.

I know these demands seem really big, but you know what... you get the best when you expect nothing but the best. I am not perfect and God only knows I'm probably the least perfect person to be with. I'm difficult and demanding and I do have extremely high standards for my relationships, but to be perfectly honest... with my track record I think I have a right to be picky. I have chosen so REALLLLLLL losers. And then some not real losers, but not good for me.

I have watched relationships begin, end, and everything in between here in drum corps land. This is definitely a test of character and emotions. You have to weed through what is real and what isn't.

I miss my family. I miss being close to my dad and I miss my mom and Rikk so much it hurts. I really wish I were closer to my sister. I guess that is just something I'm going to have to work on when I get back.

Until then... I guess I'm just here in my own little world in my seat on the bus... left to write in my journal (the stuff I don't want anyone to read) and ponder the mysteries of relationships.

If you only knew how many times I have seen people cheating on their significant other at home or hook ups and drama in the corps and I wonder to myself... WHY? Why would people do that? I mean are you THAT lonely? You can't be THAT lonely can you? I mean it seems to me that corps goggles are worse then beer goggles, because at least with beer goggles the effect goes away. I think that this is a true test of character and the strength of a relationship. I don't think weak relationships survive drum corps. And I know that many haven't just in the past few weeks.

Randomness... sorry guys... I know... I'm scatter brained right now. I can hear most of you going, "WHAT IN THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT and WHAT IS THE CONNECTION TO ALL THIS?" Just read between the lines and try to find the connection of what I'm saying instead of what I actually said because 2 + 2 makes 8 right now in my book.

Like we say here, "It's drum corps... make it work"

CC: ...and then I end up in Chicago.

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 15:47:31 GMT

So people have been bitching that I haven't been updating as often as I should. You know what I say to that... SCREW YOU. Hey... blogging is my mental release from a very long day which never seems to end. I definitely thought yesterday was Thursday when it was Saturday. It all blurs together when you are on no sleep and lots of stress. Thank God I'm not a doctor and would actually have to be mentally present at all times.

Last night we performed at Camp Randall Stadium in Madison, WI. If you are drum corps nut you know that Camp Randall has a lot of history behind it. I hate to sound like a sentimental shumck, but I thought that last night was the coolest thing ever. (and I do mean both in coolness factor and temperature wise... I froze my ASS off!!) I never got to go to Madison so it was sorta cool. Crown had a crappy run, but I still had a good time.

The weather has been so RANDOM lately. It doesn't matter what state we're in. It's hot, sunny, rainy, windy, cold, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was snow somewhere. I was telling Mrs. Van Doran earlier today that I go to sleep on the bus in one state and wake up in another. I have no clue what is going on....

OH speaking of not knowing what is going on... I have a funny drum corps story.

So Jeanna and I being the little pee on admin assistants that we are... are in charge of airport runs. So we are in Central Illinois somewhere and I had to take a member to some audition in Normal, IL. Which is where our show was going to be later that night. Well, we also had to pick up one of our brass staff members from the airport. Apparently, Jeanna and I got our signals crossed about which airport to pick him up from. So I'm driving 2.5 hours to CHICAGO from NORMAL to pick him up. I call him about five minutes outside of O'Hare and tell him I'm almost there. The response to that is, "Why are you in Chicago?" It is at that point where I am thinking in my head, "Why AREN'T you in Chigaco?" Come to find out, he flew into CENTRAL ILLINOIS REGIONAL AIRPORT... IN NORMAL, ILLINOIS... not O'Hare. OH and the kicker of it all is I had to wake up early on the day the corps got to sleep in until 11am. So not only did I not get to sleep in, but I drove about 5.5 hours round trip for NO REASON.

My new saying when someone asks me a question and I don't know the answer is, "I don't know. I just work here... and then end up in Chicago".

I do have to say that everything is starting to smooth out here in Crown land. I'm making a TON of new friends... and a bunch of enemies. But that is just how life is with me. Any one of you who know me really well know how that is. It is a love/hate relationship with me. You either hate to love me or love to hate me. I don't mind though. I'm learning how to not let my emotions get the best of me. As most of you know I'm pretty tender hearted and take things WAY personally, even though I don't let it show. I'm learning how not to take it personally and how to get the job done... even if it means pissing people off.

There are really some incredible people here. I'm making a lot of contacts and I'm also meeting people who are just wonderful. When I have a bad day I know I can come to them and they are ready with a sweet word and a big hug regardless of how hard their day was. Sometimes I think that is what gets me through the day is knowing that on the other end of a hard day is that.

I get to see my mom and my family in a week. That's exciting. I really can't wait for them to see me at work. They really don't have a complete understanding of what it is I do with the corps and in music in general. I just want to show off the corps and how great they are.

OH... met my sister's boyfriend's sister the other night. Yeah don't think about that one too much because you're brain will hurt. She marched Colts and was in guard. I love how my sister thinks she is the coolest thing ever and she has told me for the past 25 years how I"m a dork. Don't think about that one too hard either... But she was SUPER nice and I honestly can't wait until I can sit down and talk with her. It seems like we will have a lot in common. And then I can gang up on Liz about how cool we are! AWESOME.

Thank you ALL for the texts and the emails. It really has helped a lot. I miss you guys and I will see you all really soon. I promise I will try to keep you up to date more often. I might even write tonight because we have a 9 hour drive from Naperville, IL to Eerie, PA... and the staff bus gets internet. I'm going to try to post some pictures so you can see my comings and goings. Just check out the facebook page. They should be on there.

Anyway... as Adam would say, "Love, Peace and Chicken Grease!"

CC: The First Cut is The Deepest

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 10:48:13 GMT

I've been neglecting my blog. Sorry guys. I'm trying my hardest to find time when I'm not exhausted or busy or when I actually have internet to blog. A lot has happened... oh lord.

When Eric and Dave T. told me that you don't understand what tour is like until you are on tour. I didn't think that was true but now... I completely believe that. The lack of sleep and the long hours and the constant problem solving, it gets to be a bit exhausting.

I have broken down at least four times since I've been in Bloomington. We were there for a week to finish up spring training. Being thrown into this environment has really shook up the feelings of inadequacies and shaken my confidence in myself and knowledge in what I'm doing.

I didn't know that I was capable of sleeping of in some of the positions I have been sleeping in. I'm still trying to figure out how to get situated in my "space". I guess I'm just in that uncertain spot of trying to find my niche in this corps.

Jeanna has been great. We had a couple of rough patches here and there... but we are starting to find a groove in working together. It is hard because she marched in '06 and was the admin last year... so I feel a little insecure compared to her. I know that I'm just as smart and talented... it is just coming in when someone is already established in a position. We look a like. Everyone thinks we are sisters. Technically we are because she is in SAI. Which is really cool.

I'm SO glad that Ray is here. He has been really good at slapping me back into reality. He is supportive, but he doesn't coddle me so that is very helpful.

We are currently in Rockford, Illinois getting ready for our first show... so let's hope we beat Phantom on their home turf. That would be so BAD ASS!!!

Call me... or write me. I really could use the words of encouragement!

CC: Welcome To Drum Corps

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 08:24:46 GMT

I'm so exhausted... I did not get into my room until 12:00a and then I had to be up at 4:30 to take a kid to the airport. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND BOOKS A FLIGHT AT 7AM?!?! Apparently, someone who isn't considering EVERY possibility like... I don't have a car and someone will have to take me and the college is an hour away from the nearest airport so it is going to take us forever to get there. Thank God for Red Bull because I don't know exactly how I was going to make it back home otherwise. I kept thinking to myself, "All I have to do is get back to GWU and I'll crawl back into bed". Then it dawned on me. I have to take pictures for our camp and I have to help pack up so we can move to the HS in the morning. I kept thinking, "Welcome to drum corps". I'm not complaining it is just hard to go from being a night owl to an anytime someone needs something owl. So I'm relaxing right now waiting until breakfast is over and then I'm going to start my day.

With The Corps: CC

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 11:43:58 GMT

So just to fill everyone in... I will be on tour with Carolina Crown this summer. I'll be blogging on my experiences and just so that people can keep up with what I'm doing. I really want you guys to write to me and email me. I'll have access to internet since I get to be an admin asst. I'm really excited. This is going to be so hard...

AND FUN!

So keep checking back here!!!