A few wks ago, I went back on facebook since I haven't checked it in awhile.  It was hard to see that my profile stated that I was "married."  Another one of the million harsh realities I've been having to face on a daily basis.  I painfully unclicked it. I was looking for a "widow" box to check off, but there wasn't any.  Although technically I could've clicked "single," I really didn't "feel" single.  I felt more abandoned, alone, and just "unmarried."  But as I've been recently reminded of singleness as a gift in the context of gaining our sufficiency in Christ, my feelings of abandonment and loneliness is slowly being redeemed with the grace of God.  It's not happening quickly, but I do sense it happening. 

As I continue this period of mourning, I can understand why people who lose loved ones either become bitter or self consumed with self pity.  Seeking God is the only shield that protects me from entering those paths.  After YM passed away, an older and wiser sister in Christ warned me not to open the door to the "What if" path.  I can see first hand how that door denies the sovereignty of God.  It would only produce anger, bitterness, and depression. 

People often ask me how I'm doing.  I usually just say I'm fine.  Mainly b/c I don't necessarily want to start having a crying session in the middle of the fellowship hall at church, or while I'm trying to take care of my 3 kids.  I hope you understand that I'm not necessarily faking it or anything. I'm just trying to exercise self control of my emotions.  Truth is, I am managing ok.  There's just a time and place to share more deeply.  And I'm thankful for the people who have listened to me and cried with me.  I wish I had more of those times.  I'm just trying to find a good balance.  But not a single day goes by when I still don't weep for YM.

Lately, Nathan's been asking me if he can live with me even when he gets married (although I'm sure he'll take that back when he's older).  He said to me, "Mommy, I'm afraid that when we all grow up and move away, you'll be all alone."  I keep assuring him that I'll be just fine. He has such an empathetic heart.

YM's tombstone was recently set.  So we went out to plant flowers and the boys were hard at work.  I think they really enjoyed doing that for their dad.  Both Nathan & Joel still wear their dad's watches.  They each have one. If you notice, they took it off and set it on the tombstone while they were gardening. 

It's been hard getting out of bed in the morning these past 2 days.  Maybe b/c both nights I dreamt of YM.  I wake up missing him alot more and find it more difficult to start the day.  I find it a blessing that my boys come into my room to make their breakfast requests.  It helps me get grounded and gather enough strength to begin the day.   

I've also been on the phone alot lately with customer service reps to take care of more paper work.  I really hate talking on the phone in my house during the day b/c of the noise issue.  I usually get pretty frustrated b/c I have trouble hearing since the kids are so loud.   Today I was on a phone conference w/health insurance reps while Joel was sitting beside me singing on the top of his lungs "Blessed be Your Name."  It was hard to get mad at him.  It's so endearing listening to him sing.  He says that's his favorite worship song.  I love the fact that my boys have a love for worship songs.  Nathan loves playing w/his dad's old cellphone and listening to the worship song ringtones that daddy bought.  I hope God grants them hearts of worship just like their dad. 

It's been hard to find time to write on my blog lately.  Just busy w/everyday life.  I was alittle sick the other week.  And the kids have had some minor health issues here & there.  Meanwhile, I'm still eternally bombarded with logistical matters.  I'm learning to just take things w/stride and trying to sigh less.

We just got back from Long Beach Island for the holiday weekend.  It was nice to spend time w/my family.  There's something very calming and refreshing about being near the water.  Seeing the vastness of the ocean helps me see how great our God is and how infinitely wise He is. 

I've been reminded of that classic hymn "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus."  It was written by Louisa M. R. Stead out of one of her darkest hours - the tragic drowning of her husband.  In the late 1800's she and her husband and their 4 year old daughter Lily were enjoying the beach at Long Island Sound, NY.  During their picnic lunch, Mr Stead charged into the water to save a drowning boy.  Tragically they both ended up drowning and Mr Stead died before the very eyes of his wife and daughter. Out of Louisa's struggle with God to understand "why?" she wrote these words:

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

just to take Him at His word;

Just to rest upon His promise;

just to know, 

'Thus saith the Lord.'"

I've been finding a tremendous amount of comfort when I read about other widows who drew strength from God in the midst of their loss.  My heart aches most for my kids.  For awhile I've been praying to God and asking Him to mold and shape my kids 'in spite of' their loss.  But these days my prayers have changed.  Now I've been asking God to mold and shape them 'because of' their loss.  The fact is, my boys have been asking me so many more questions about God and Jesus since their dad went to be w/the Lord.  They want to know more about this place called Heaven.  And they want to know about God the Father who has taken their dad there.  It's actually quite beautiful how the loss of their dad has awakened their spiritual eyes even more.  As a mother, what more can I ask for but to have my children long to know God more by following their dad's footsteps and join him in Heaven one day.  After all, isn't that what life is about?  I love that verse to Charlie Hall's song "One Thing:"

"All of life comes down to just one thing
And that’s to know You O Jesus
And to make You known"