Wednesday, May 07, 2008

---

Currently Listening Little Earthquakes By Tori Amos Tear in Your Hand see related

how do you create the culture of a school?

i just looked at some photos tonight from 6 years ago when I was a Summer Fellow here for chicago public schools.

that summer, i was sort of 'apprenticed' to a master teacher in Hyde Park, and the kids we were with were the most awesome, colorful kids ever. i was sorry to have to leave them to go back to classes that fall.

seeing their faces made me wonder where my passion for teaching has gone down the drain this year.  is it because of the workload my school wanted from everyone? (btw-i hate, abhor, detest, and despise the word 'rigor' now. if you know me personally, don't ever say it in my presence). is it because of the emphasis they put on standardized testing at this place? is it because i had to leave the school and students i grew to love for 3 years? or is it simply because i'm turning into a lazy, impatient, crotchety old teacher at the ripe young age of 27? i just don't know if i have it in me to do it for another year...and the sad thing is, i am just now fnishing year 4.

i've spent this whole past year demanding so much of my students and of myself. i feel like i know my students this year not even half as well as the kids I taught at Chase for 3 years. granted, looping with a class for 3 years will accomplish learning a LOT about children, but i feel like i've somehow completely ignored the personalities and stories of my students this year, instead replacing that interest with 'close your mouth in the hall' or 'hands up,' or better yet, 'the next one to interrupt me has a silent lunch.'

school culture i think is a big part of my problem. i turned down a job at a turn-around school where i was offered leadership opportunities among other teachers, a) because i'm not ready for that, and b) because they are reconstructing the culture of a school from scratch. COOL, right? but maybe not so cool if you're like me and are seeking ways to have a separation from work taking over your whole life. i've pulled stuff this year that i haven't done since my first year of teaching, because of such a long list of demands, ongoing initiatives, and more parents than normal who want to know instantly when their child's grades drop below an A. (irritating!-it happens). (sad case in point-i dragged home 17 math journals last night b/c i'm severely short on math grades right now. that's what happens when Young Authors and Science Fair are all jammed into the same 2-3 week time period, and throw in Learning First tests. the result? less authentic, consistent grading and routines, and more stress over not managing everything well).

i HATE the rigid culture of the school i'm at now. maybe i HATE the way i have to enforce their rules. maybe i HATE the way kids are expected to perform, perform, perform, and if they aren't smart enough yet, perform some more. HATE is a strong word. but so is rigor. so is teacher burnout. so is juvy. so is drop-out. so is performance. somehow, as related to Chicago's screwed up public education system, thesewords are all linked together in my head, and i'm struggling to understand how i still fit into that picture. 2 years ago, i knew exactly why i was still in the job and what i wanted to get out of it. now, my husband has a hard time drawing out of me where my passion has gone.

i'm ready for a change. God only knows what i need at this point, other than a break. *

**to all of my friends who have hardly heard from me this school year since last September-i'm sorry. i will be calling you soon. :)

(this was a year full of less questions and doubt) : /

Sunday, April 20, 2008

---

spring is here...and so are interviews!

i had a FABULOUS interview at my friend dave's school on the south side on friday afternoon, and only need to get together a middle school language arts endorsement i believe to probably snag the job. this week i'm hopefully spending a lot of days after school following up with principals to see about other job opportunities.

hope everyone can enjoy the beautiful sunny day in chicago...hope to hear from some of you soon! i know some of my friends still read this...let me know how you're doing :).

Friday, March 07, 2008

---

i'm going!

so last time, i asked "should i stay or should i go?" i decided to go. i told my principals this past tuesday, and they have both been very unexpectedly nice about it. things that make you go hmmm....IF you know of any public schools here in the city that may be hiring soon that aren't in a gentrifying neighborhood, please let me know...

so many good 80s and 90s songs that sync with life events. :)

have a great weekend, all!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

---

should i stay or should i go?

it seems like this song has rolled through my head a few times in the past couple of days, due to a couple of people bringing it up in jokes. if i stay there will be trouble, if i go it will be double. that's kind of how i'm feeling at work now.

i ebb and flow 50/50 every single day on whether or not to go back to my workplace in the fall. i'm so tired of doing school stuff between 6 and 7 days a week, at this point i don't really care about 'best practice' all that much if it means that i can manage what's going on and my kids are having fun learning-and can demonstrate that they're learning. i don't care if we have PD after school, and i don't care if we have cluster meetings in the middle of the instructional day every other tuesday to look at extended responses and bla bla bla. but i'm starting to sense that there's some opportunity for change at my school in the fall.

i'm told my a few key people there that our head principal won't be returning in the fall, he's already got a foot in both jobs-principal and director of AUSL. so, i think our principal intern=who's awesome-might be taking over. i feel like because of how the place was run like a tight test-prep ship this year, there's a chance to humanize it a litle more in the fall. that's what i feel like ed would bring to the table if he's the principal.

there's also a possibility of working with another awesome teacher in the fall there, in 5th grade. this is the first year that i haven't had a strong grade-level partner to work with whom i've just learned tons from. and it's just simply been really hard to transition from a neighborhood school to a place where everything is just stricly academic, kids aren't supposed to go to the bathroom without an adult escort, every child's supposed to have weekend homework, and the list goes on.

i feel like sometimes, God keeps you in the places where there is the most opportunity for you to learn how to depend on Him, where you are stripped of everything you thought you are good at or do well, or are competent enough to run on your own. sometimes it's in those places where it's just so hard, that all you literally can depend on to keep it together is Jesus and His promises. "These things are impossible for man, but all things are possible with God." "I will never leave you or forsake you." "I knew you before you were formed in your mother's womb."  "If God cares so wonderfully for the lilies that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't He more surely care for you?" I have to challenge myself all the time and ask, 'If I were still at Chase, how deeply would I understand these things now?"

there are a few schools where there are great opportunities. Ravenswood's getting a new principal in the fall, and I'd love to work there. Funston's just down the street from the building that New Community (my church) is buying, and all the area schools plus LSNA want New Community in the neighborhood. i know that if i stay, God will work and bless me and remain active in my life, just as if i left in pursuit of another workplace. josh has told me to sit down, sit still for a minute, and make my list of pros of staying, and pros of leaving, see which list outweighs the other one.

why is it so hard to make big decisions? as humans, why do we worry so much that we'll make a decision that's outside of God's will? why do we feel like changing jobs and discovering we don't like our new place means we're locked in for life? a few of my friends back in tennessee are quitting teaching, and i kind of want a break and to jump on that bandwagon :), but at the same time...i'm not tired of teaching. i'm just tired of how things are being done where i'm at. so like i said-i feel like there's an opportunity to 'humanize' it in the coming year.

that's all. any thoughts or wisdom to share, please send it my way. i have to let my supervisors know in the coming weeks if i'll be returning next year or not, and when i think about saying 'yes,' i think about the fat bag that makes me want to cry because i'd rather be spending time talking to my husband, or taking photos again, or doing anything besides working all the time--because the bell curve is always going to exist, no matter what No Child Left Behind wants, and no matter how badly Illinois allocates funding for and structures how it does education.

Good night, all. (I don't say any of that nearly as creatively as Garrison Keillor-if you'd call it creative?)

**I forgot to mention that the teachers at work, including myself, voted 30-1 in favor of a Track E schedule next year-meaning we go back in august, have 2 weeks off in october, have 2 weeks off at Christmas, then have 2 weeks off at spring break, and i think there's another break in there somewhere too. i also want to stay partly just to try that out and see if i like it. at this point, it's being presented to the paren ts to get their input, but we're told by our asst. principal that the ones she's spoken to are very receptive.

**Leroy tried to eat my egg this morning. there were little punctures in the yolk after i came back from the bathroom, not 30 seconds after i'd set the plate on the counter. unbelievable. he's going through the cat version of the terrible 2s, i think...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

---

choices

when was the last time that you thought about how you really do have the power to choose in so many situations?
for example-i'm tired, and my husband is working at Borders right now, until after i'm in bed tonight, but i'm still choosing to blog.

I'm not particularly enthused about some of mine and josh's circumstances right now, and the biggest thing that has been impressed on my tiny brain in the last week is that i have a choice that i can make, in all situations usually. I can choose to let a crappy day with one of my students send me home emotionally irritable, or i can choose to let it roll off my back and tell myself, 'i am still blessed and still good at my job, so what if one kid doesn't go along with the game.'

i can choose to cry and drink margaritas when josh works until 11:00 and i'd rather be here at home building a life with him, or, i can try to make the best of it and remember how i made it just fine when i was still single and had to sit at home by myself for 3 hours. :)

i can choose to gripe and complain about how my principal and my school right now really pushes for tons and tons of 'educational' focus on testing-related teaching strategies--and how that doesn't line up with my more progressive, social action-oriented philosophy of teaching..or, i can choose to play the game for one year in hopes that this fall, things will be different.

i've found a radio station to listen to here in the city--100.7--and as cheesy as some Christian radio is, it's amazing what one verse, or even one song lyric can do to reroute your perspective when it's 7:30 and all kinds of thoughts are already crashing through one's head. for some reason this has rocked my perspective in the last week: i have a choice to make about how i will choose to allow life to affect me.

the sermon at church this past sunday was good--Michelle really drove the point home that no matter what is going on in life, God is at work in your circumstances. if one knows God and knows what the Bible says about the matter, one 'knows' this. but what is it that causes the head-heart disconnect? i was trying to figure this out yesterday-- i know that life happens, cars like mine get towed and the owners have to pay $160 to get them out :), husbands work too late, you have to do your job in ways that you feel aren't right...at what cost? if we know that following Jesus doesn't make our life any more smooth or less problematic, why then do we fret and flip out when life happens? it's simple..and the author of Ecclesiastes got it SO RIGHT when he stated that God has made us very simple, but we have made ourselves very complicated.

so there you have it. i've just realized in the past week how much of my life i really do have control over, in terms of how i will choose to allow its events to affect me. it just doesn't seem quite right that i continue to plow on through life without taking the time out to realize that things aren't always as hopeless as they appear, and i have to remember that that's my living hope as a believer. if i stop living like i believe it, chances are, my life will look just like everyone else's. and that's not what will bring healing to so many who are looking for God and have screwed up ideas about how to truly know Him.

a funny aside: Leroy was in the sink with dirty dishes tonight. yes, the sink..the same sink that has in it a dirty skillet with an egg omelette-ring still stuck to the top, the same sink that has the egg-covered spatula in it, the same sink that my coffee grounds and day-old coffee get dumped into. this clueless kitty was in THAT sink tonight. it really made me laugh!