this stirs up my heart

I can of Myself do nothing.  As I hear, I judge; and My judgement is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me. 

John 5:30

"I can of Myself do nothing."  I don't believe that about myself, I still have some confidence in my own methods and techniques, that, until God brings them crumbling down, I still trust somewhat in myself.  I'm pretty sure we all do.  It's like I'm support raising, and I come to the conclusion the more I call, the more support I will raise.  But you know what that equals without it being God's will?  Nothing but stress.  I am learning now that truly God wants us to seek His will in every single part of our lives.  Yes, perhaps even in brushing our teeth.  Seriously.

"As I hear, I judge; and My judgement is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me."  This is the only way for what we do to be considered righteous, upright, valid: if we are truly seeking the will of the Father.  God is my Father, and out of my love for Him, I should naturally want to do as He wants me to do...  this is how heroes are born.  Seriously, look at anybody - let's start close by with Paul.

Paul goes through crazy hoops and crazy torture 'til the end, yet He still has the joy within himself to write while in prison for us not to lose heart, but to keep spreading the gospel.  After being beaten and tortured numerous times, he still wants the will of his Father to be done.  And he didn't waver, he didn't decide, "that vision I saw on Damascus Road, that was too Charismatic for me, too against my theology."  He seeked the will of the One who created him for this here purpose.  Hero.

For more visual examples, let's go to movies.  Look at my favorites, Gladiator and Braveheart.  In Gladiator, Maximus is moved in the beginning to serve Rome in leading them into combat.  And after the tragedies that happen to Caesar and his famliy, he is moved to still seek justice for his wife and child and give Rome back to the people, and even uses his last breathe to do so.  How many of us would have let ourselves be killed after the tragedies, rather than fighting for what is right.  Hero.

Braveheart anyone?  William Wallace fights to his own death for Scottland and for his family, and lets himself be tortured to death in the end in hopes of freedom for his people.  If we were in his shoes, would we have screamed, "mercy" from the get-go for a clean and easy death?  Hero.

This is seriously the life God is talking about - living to do the will of the Father.  And finding that out comes from deep intimacy with Him, which is much more than your daily quiet time.  It comes from intimate times with Him, asking Him questions, listening to His counsel, letting Him calm your soul when it is restless.  It comes from more than talking about the Bible, but actually living lives that reflect the lives of men and women in the Bible.  Your theological debates are wasting your time; you think Jesus and the Twelve Apostles sat around for hours over ridiculous arguments? Charistmatic or Conservative?  God cares more about your heart than your label.  Stop wasting time, people, and live!  Stop discussing and trying to prove yourself right, and start seeking the will of the Father!  Stop critiquing this xanga posting, and follow Jesus!

Crunch Time

Alright ladies and gentleman, here we go...  it is now crunch time in my support raising process.  That's right, less than a month to go and more than enough to raise.  So I want to use my Xanga as a way to say 'hey, here's what God's put on my heart, and if you feel the same way then please feel free to help me out.'

Rule #1: Religion is the mistake of mankind.  Blinding our eyes, shielding us from the truth of who Jesus is, keeping us in bondage from walking with Him.  It is a relationship that God desires with us, and that is what I want to help students grow in here at UC Davis - their relationship with God. 

Rule #2: Looking good on the outside means less than you think.  There are many horrible Christian leaers out there, yet all look good.  All look like they're your friend.  All look like they're true to their wife.  Rule #2 is coming out of the shadows and laying yourself before God, before your intimate allies.  True fellowship.  No more of this fake "Hi-I'm-a-Christian-my-life-is-flawless" act.  Jesus is the truth; I come with honesty, and expect no less in return.

Rule #3: Love.  Perhaps this should have been rule #1.  Forgive me, I am still growing as well.  But what's #1 on God's list is: Love God with all your heart, mind, soul and body, and likewise love your neighbor as yourself.  Love.  That's where I plan to keep my focus.  Notice how God didn't say in His first commandment, "Count your sins," or for that matter, the word sin isn't even included in there.  Love is a much bigger focus than sin, and is focusing on God, for God is love.

Rule #4: Don't focus on the rules, focus on the living God.  The way the Christian church in America functions is like basketball players inside of a basketball stadium, looking at the rule book, studying it, eating up every word and statistic they can find, memorizing the history of every rule and every page number it is on, looking at the seating arrangements in the stands, noticing how clean each seat is and measuring how wide, deep, and long each seat is, but never playing a game of basketball, which is what a basketball stadium is designed for.  I come to play, and I want to help others get on the court and start taking some shots.

Well, that about sums it up.  If you feel God tugging at your heart, please click below and help me do the Lord's work:

https://give.ccci.org/give?Action=ViewDetail&Desig=0582839

We as men got major issues.  And women as well.

Most of the people reading this probably come from a home where they had a neglectful father.  A father who spent most of his time at work, a father who treated the people outside the household better than they did those inside of it, and a father who counted his spare change in his pocket before helping you learn how to count.  And all of this, all of this, is mascquraded as a "he's working hard for the family" from your mother.

Huh? Working hard for the family?  I think he's more working hard for himself!  How much time did he invest into the family by taking you and your sister out for your enjoyment?  How many hours did he spend at night reading to you, making sure you got to sleep okay, giving you a kiss on the forehead before he leaves?  And how many intimate moments do you have with your father, where you could (male or female) just cry in his presence and have him wipe the tears away for you?  To most people, probably none. 

And how does our father's relationship with our mother pan out in our heads?  When we see them together inside the house, do we react with a heart-felt warmness, desiring to be caught up in a loving relationship just like they are?  Does the way our father treats our mother make us men want to leap mountains for our beauty?  And for the ladies, does this make it easy for you to want to wait for Mr. Right, knowing that he could just be around the corner?  Or, ladies, does it make you want to give up, realizing that this love thing may not really exist after all?

These are the issues at stake here.  Sure you may be the one person here who wants to defend yourself, so you post on the comments "that's not me" and it makes it appear like I'm dead wrong.  But you're just one person with one comment.  Think about all the others who feel hurt reading this post, for it reflects their life to a T.  And because of the pain and maybe even tears this post evokes, they would rather hide their identity, and kindly slip away somewhere where they could either think of something differnent or let their tears rain freely.

These are issues we need to truly bring before the Lord.  For we're screwed up!  If we think that just because we're Christian that we're going to have an awesome relationship with our spouse, wake up!  Look at how many other Christian couples out there are having the time of their lives; few and far between.  The divorce rate is the same as the non-Christians.  And maybe the Asian Christians divorce rate may be lower, but it's all for the sake of saving face.

Don't throw culture at me right now.  It's cultural for an Asian dad to raise his kid that way...  it's cultural for a father to be at work all day and ignore the kids...  it's cultural for a Chinese woman to have her feet bound back in the day...  it's cultural for eleven to twelve year old kids to look at porn online when they search for Pokemon...  it's cultural for a Black person to drop out of high school...  How about it's cultural to drop culture and follow Christ.  Let's let that be our culture.  Let's let the father we never had be our Father.

If you want to defend what happened to you, fine.  I know there are many women out there who are in prostitution who accept their fathers as normal, fathers who molested them when they were younger.  They want to please daddy.  You want to please daddy.  I want to please daddy.  But let's let our daddy be a big daddy, God the Father.  Let's aim higher and get past tradition, culture, porn, and let's please God the Father.

Please, open your hearts people, let's all grow.  Together.  Let's tackle these issues.  And I must mention, if this stirs up past feelings of bitterness towards your father within you, or lights a fuse of bitterness at the realization of this...  let's ask God for the strength and willingness to forgive.  And on an end note, forgive does not mean push-down-and-pretend-it-doesn't-exist.  If you're bitter, you're bitter.  Be honest with yourself, God wants honesty not lies.  When's the last time you read in your Bible, "Be fake, for I Your God am fake"?  Exactly.  Jesus is Truth. 

God calls us to a life of faith.  But the problem is, we've all been let down by those closest to us, in particular our parents.  Some have been let down more than others, but either way our father and mother at some point have broken our trust.  Our father and mother are also the people who draw the outline for how we see God, or lack of god.

In order to live a life of faith we have to be able to trust God.  But if I can't really trust my own father to come through for me, how can I expect God the Father to come through?  I've been let down enough times as is.  So what then, do I resort to works, hoping that that will please God the Father and cause Him to come through (as would please my earthly father and increase the liklihood that he would?)  That's what I've done and still do.  But when am I truly able to trust God? 

Before anyone replies with simple sounding-okay answers that really don't help me or anyone at all but say "read the Bible," let me ask you Bible readers this:

Do any of you truly believe that you trust God, that if He told you to go up to a paralyzed man on campus and ask him, "Do you want to be healed?" that you would, and that you would have the faith to trust God that He would come through through you and heal the man?  Would you have the faith to go up to a dead person and when your heart stirs for the person bypass all of your Biology and Anatomy classess and pray outloud for God to bring him back? 

I don't.  Not yet at least.  But I want to.  And I would like to encourage anyone here who's reading this to think about times when you've been let down by your earthly father or mother, times when trust has been placed on the line and simply stepped on and rubbed into the ground, times when you've been hurt so bad you wish you could erase those moments from your memory but you know you can't and never will be able to.  Those times.  Go there with the your prayers to God, ask Him to come through for you and heal you in those areas.  Definitely this will require forgiveness...  and if Jesus is able to forgive our sins, then who are we not to forgive others?  It takes time, it will cause tons of out-of-control emotions in your heart, but bear with it and take it to God and forgive the person, the people, and love them.

I believe this is how we will be able to truly trust in God as our Father.  By letting go of our anger and bitterness towards our earthly parents and family members and those closest to us who have let us down, by forgiving them and letting God fill us with His love, we will be able to truly trust again, trust in God for who He really is and what He really does.  Look for Him to enter your life in a new way.  Coming soon to a healed heart near you.

The popular belief among Christians is logic matters more than feelings.  While logic definitely is necessary in this life that we live, feeings are just as important, and to never trust your feelings is to trust that God builds us with unnecessary and irrelevant parts.

Most Christians I know would say that if you can logically prove it, then do it based on logic alone.  If you only feel it is okay, you shouldn't do it because feelings will lead you astray.  Or if you feel it is okay then only act on it if there is a logical argument to act upon, not the feeling.  Either way you look at it the message is to fully disregard any and all feelings.

God gave us feelings, friends.  FEELINGS.  Some feelings are GOOD, some feelings lead us on the RIGHT PATH.  Think about it.  If you see a person on the side of the street crying, and you are moved by a feeling of love to comfort them, then that is a good feeling.  Do you honestly think you would love (keep in mind, the keyword here is love) them by analyzing the situation logically, and by the process of deduction come to a reasonable response of handing them a tissue, whereby you logically conclude that in order to fulfill the Great Commission you must add an upbeat "God bless you" while looking into their eyes for 3-5 seconds?  This is garbage.  Logic fails here, whereas feeling previals.

Or let's take another instance - an outrageous, crazy incident that will probably only happen at most once in a person's life.  You are by the river when suddenly a bear comes out of nowhere and swipes its' claws at you.  You feel frightened, scared out of your pants, so you RUN.  Do you honestly believe that you should take the time to think, "okay, now I must reasonably respond to this bear's attack.  Let's see...  it is 1.) stronger than me, 2.) bigger than me, and 3.) within 3-4 inches from my nose, give or take a few centimeters.  I think the best response in a situation like this would be to run, but I could also choose to accept the impact.  But if I accept the impact, what effect would this have on me, my family, and the world around us?  I must take time to analyze the best response and then choose..."  NO.  You act on feeling, even if you don't believe you should act on feeling.  And you live to tell the tale because you acted on your feelings.

Am I suggesting that you trust every feeling you have?  No.  But what I am implying is that there is a reason behind every feeling you have.  Many feelings (and these are the feelings that are bad) are funded by wounds that we have.  Take the kid who gets beat up in school one day.  He comes back the next day and see's his enemy, and feels inferior.  Is it true that he's inferior?  No, for God made us all equal.  What is true though is that past his feeling of inferiority, he is afraid.  And perhaps he will always be afraid of people who look like the guy who beat him up.  That is, unless he takes his feeling seriously and realizes it is a trigger to his wound, and he gives the wound to God and asks for healing and God heals him of it.  Then the feeling will change, and he will have overcome the wound, and no longer feel inferior when in the presence of the guy who beat him up.

Many feelings are good, and ALL feelings have a deeper meaning.  But in this workaholic/studyholic society we live in we never take time to care for ourselves and deal with our deeper issues, so we try to hide them or else try and disassociate them from ourselves.  But they never go away.  We may become numb to our feelings, but our deeper issues are still there, and will be there and affect every single decision we make for the rest of our lives, unless we start to take them seriously and take them to God and ask for His healing touch.  And I am living proof that God does heal people.

Christians who believe feelings are irrelevant...  do people logically worship?  If people make the intellectual assent that "I should worship God." and thus go on to methodically raise up their hands and sing a memorized hymn to Him, do you think God is happy?  Do you think Jesus is there at the right hand of the Father saying, "Wow, I am logically impressed by their legalism.  They remind me of Mark 7:7!" 

Christians who believe feelings are irrelevant disregard the Holy Spirit.  When you are filled with the Holy Spirit, does this mean your logic has improved?  Does the Holy Spirit move in you through your mind's logic?  Is He just a logical upgrade for our minds?  Does saying "I have the Holy Spirit" equate to saying "I have improved logic"?  I am not trying to mock anybody here but I want people to realize that God is not logic, and logic is not God.  I bet you didn't realize you believed that until just now.

Feelings are an awesome, amazing, and necessary part that God has placed so carefully within each one of us.  There are times to trust logic; there are times to trust feelings...  most of the time, you need both.  Both.