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| 3 more days
please, let me survive.
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| i lost the battle, and the war...
where do i go from here?
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| just need to jot down some more stuff.
today is the 4th of July, to some a time of family gathers, to others a time of self exposed patriotism
as for my family, it's always been a gathering. in past years i remember being greeted with a warm feeling by all my relatives. however this year was different
as i walked through the doors anticipating a warm welcome by my aunties and uncles the most i received was a "hey"
in my thoughts, and from my personal beliefs. i feel looked down upon. i feel a sense of depression again.
i feel as though i have been shoved into a corner of my family in which i no longer significant.
everyone around me is fading away. and the only people close are my immediate family.
Michelle is an exception however, she loves me too much in my opinion.
i feel that, she'll fall into a hole that she will have trouble getting out of. what goes up must come down, including our relationship. i know this is not the most optimistic outlook on what we have...but the truth of the matter is, i'll be leaving in a year from now and well, we'll probably take our leave.
i've always gone out've my way to make sure others dont fall into the same holes that i have. i try hard to make sure others dont suffer like have or go through the hardships that i've seen others go through.
but in all of these incidents, i've found that no matter how much you encourage something or try to guide it/them, they'll go through with it, get hurt, and learn from his or her mistakes.
we're only human, and the only way to learn is through trial and error.
as far as miss ednerd being my psych class: i told michelle yesturday about it, after holding it back for 3 weeks i decided it was time to inform her of my situation. im doing my best to try and cope with this situation that is placed on my plate but this entire ordeal is hard to cope with. it's ironic b/c here we are in our psych class learning about all these defense mechanisms and coping processes and all sorts of strategies, and i still haven't taken them into account.
love: everything from my alcohol abuse to my pill usage to pain killers and to weed. all of it was a span of the past year. and since the end of august Michelle has stuck by my side the whole time. i asked her last night why? why stick by me through all my shit and hard times...why stick by me when everything seemed to lead me to unhappiness.
she tells me, simply because i care and i love you.
it was hard for me to grasp and comprehend. i dont quite understand why i cant accept this but, it's just a hard concept for me to understand. how can someone who has shown no sign of affliction to me stick by me through all of this...
and to this day, we always converse about how everything goes back to 7th grade. how from that first day in english class in 7th grade. i stepped into that door and gazed upon her and was in shock of her beauty. i told her i tried to show the signs, but she didnt notice and in the summer between 8th and 9th grade i gave up. then here we are in 10th grade english class together, and 2nd semester we just connected. even when i was with ERA. i cant really describe it, i had a reoccurance of my feelings in a sense. but i was loyal to edna and kept my distance.
then she tells me she had feelings for me and tried to show me the signs, but couldnt really b/c she respected edna.
i use xanga as an outlet to suppress my thoughts. i see a therapist but he only does so much. so i turn to this fragile website to try and again, suppress my thoughts.
so here we are... | | |
| time for an update.
summer school's kicking my ass, and it doesn't seem that i'm the only one who's suffering
im having trouble commit to the amount of work placed in front of me, simply b/c my brain hasn't been functioning for quite some time now.
beyond all of that, Miss Ednerd is in my psych class.
this has made my situation and stance very interesting.
i have made some new friends, and collided with old ones.
my friends are starting to fade...and is by default going to stay that way.
i feel as if, when i come back to EC in January i wont be seen as the same person i left.
many people say my incident was the best for me, and that i seem happier because of it.
as Michelle says, everything happens for a reason.
one thing this incident has done for me, is that it's brought me closer to family in which i've been fading away from
it's brought me closer to loved ones that without my incident i wouldn't be with
it's also put my mindset into a new perspective and outlook on those who use.
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