This is sort of an odd entry for me. Its a page straight from my journal. Its actually the very first page of a journal I started when I was eighteen. I want to say my teenage years were different from most peoples daily lives, but now that I look back, my entire life is pretty twisted. I had some major events happen in my life that contribute to the person I am now. I'm surprised I'm such a sane person. 2004 was a rough year for me. I left the church temporarily, I had this insane hate for Christians. I was completely alone this year. Earlier in the year I attended DePaul University as a freshman, and when I wrote this entry I was nearing the end of my FALL semester at Moody Bible Institute. 2004 was seriously a double-emotional 360 for me. Don't poke fun, I was most likely hating my life as I was writing this on some street in Chicago.
Nov. 30th, 2004 - 1:38 a.m.
Lord, its the beginning of a new me. Compared to my last testimony, I have so many things I have gone through this year. Its official that as of today, 2004 is the worst year of my life. Lord, I pray that sin does not seep in 2005. Lord, allow this new change to be permanent, not temporary. Allow me to put Steamworks in the past, Blake in the past, Todd in the past, John and Bloomingdales in the past. Lord I realized what I have done and I want to turn away. Is life going to be easier? No! I know that. So I ask for your help. Give me strength and knowledge. Guide me Lord. Bless me with great friendships. Thank you for Carlos, you really provide. Such an "ONFIRE" christian friend like him is what I need. Lord fill me with hope. Hope to change? I don't know. Hope that you will bring me out of this. You are GOD! You can ALL things. I know I won't be going back soon, to Cafe Pride that is. Of course with your help, because when I turn my back to you I become a wreck. Father I want to turn away from that lifestyle and that way of thinking. Lord you have a plan for my life and that plan does not consist of me on my back in some darkened room with someone I have known for only ten minutes. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Am I just realizing what I've done? I'm not a virgin. I lost it nine months ago, February. What have I done? Lord restore me, I have made mistakes. Lord do not let me love my misery, but love my joy in you Lord. You are my hope and my salvation. In you I put my trust. Thank you for your mercy, do not let me take it for granted. Father do not let me stray from your command, and as Carlos said, help me get rid of anything that might hinder me from getting close to you. Lord I pray that my testimony glorify you and plants seeds in peoples hearts. Lord make me disciplined. Jesus I love you. Help me live by the spirit.
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