| | Blessed are the Geminis, for they might make a decision.I can be intensely critical of myself. It seems like no matter how much I achieve or what I do, there's always fault. I think I get it from my mother (Isn't that every gay man's excuse?). There's a rain cloud to every parade, there's a flaw in every silver lining.
In three weeks I start a new job, move into an office, put up my shiny diplomas and get a leadership title on my name, but how much farther could I be if I hadn't squandered five years on my bachelor's? I was slated to finish in three years, but I moved and changed and dropped.
Or what if I had tried harder in grad school? Or stayed in to go through the PhD. program?
In September I will make my last payment and be debt free. But what if I had been smarter with my money and not gotten credit cards or a fancy SUV? I could be in a home by now! I could be paying on much better things!
If my weight goes down, I must be sick or it's a fluke or I need a new scale.
If my weight goes up, I'm ready to change my name to Jabba and call my realtor to inquire about any foreclosed huts on the market.
The Other Tim....
It's like there's this parallel Tim in my head... well he goes by "Timothy." He made all the right choices. He stuck with them, he saw them through. Parallel Tim is currently in Suburban New Jersey, a townhouse on the palisades with a Manhattan view. It's not forever, but it's a step for him. He's been with his partner for 10 years now and he designs highways and communities for a consulting firm. In a month or so he'll be getting that new Volvo convertible. He has never had a critical thought, never heard of self-doubt.
Rev. Carol Trissell did an awesome sermon called, "The Funerals End Today," about getting over all the things you're not, the things you never did, and the things you did that will kill you if anyone ever finds out so that you can live in the fulfillment of who God has lead you to be. To move forward with nothing holding you back, to lunge freely, without anchors into the ocean of grace.
So the lesson for ME is in knowing without a shadow of a doubt that nothing is random, nothing just happened. For me, every choice, every relationship, every fashion, calorie, kiss, shout, heartbreak, joy, sickness, push and shove, give and take; everything that has touched the wet clay we call Tim is part of a greater plan.
That it's much more important than where I am right now or what I am doing right now, that it's going somewhere. Not just somewhere, but a very specific place, to the fulfillment of who I am to be, to God's purpose for my life. There's been way too many coincidences and lucky landings, too many places where I should have been shot, run over, killed (I was a REALLY DUMB teenager!). This has to be leading to something really swanky.
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| | Posted 5/8/2008 11:24 PM - 6 comments
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