well it's 12:45...the day is going ok.  i'm so sleepy and kinda dizzy lately, i think b/c of purging more often than i usually do.  even in my "recovery" times, i almost always purge about once a week...i don't know why really, it's not like that would make a difference.  but i've been purging daily b/c i want to stay at a certain # of cals but i also work out too much and i get so hungry, so i eat something and purge usually after a workout.  it's kinda dumb b/c even if i kept everything in, i'd still be under the normal calorie range that i need to maintain, but it's all about that number that i've set my mind on for the day...today i had the yogurt and apple for breakfast, then went to class, then at 10 went to the gym.  i was so freaking hungry i almost just walked right past it and went home, but i made myself do the elliptical anyway.  i'm glad i did, b/c it dulled the hunger a little...but then when i got home i was really hungry again so i had a bowl of oatmeal w/ protein powder and cinnamon (it's sooo good, i usually don't eat "healthy" things when i'm just going to throw them up, but i loove this meal, it tastes like a splurge!) so then i purged that...just as i was done my roommate came in!  good thing it was all gone.  i don't think she suspects anything, but i'm pretty sure my best friend told her a/b my anorexia/bulimorexia crap so she probably knows anyway and there's not much she could do about it.  aaaand i got dizzy and weak all over again...for lunch i'm having a salad w/ light dressing and carrots w/ hummus...i should add a vegan burger to the salad, its 70 cals but lots of protein...i think i will b/c i was supposd to have tofu w/ my veggies tonight but i forgot to buy it.  so the cals will be the same, except i probably kept some in from the oatmeal...does anyone know if that's true, that you absorb some cals immediately, so even if you purge it all you still can't get all the cals out?  i bet it is, but a friend of mine who's majoring in nutrition says it's not, they just say that to discourage bulimia.  i don't know.  ok, i've got to go.  my leg still hurts too much to run, but i'm too tired to run anyway, so whatever.  can't wait for the weekend...although it will be busy with job hunting and xmas shopping and writing the first act of a screenplay.  grr.

ugh i suck.  i didn't eat much all day but then when i got home i had some of this tofu and veggie lasagna and fat-free yogurt w/ granola mixed in, then purged it all.  then i felt really dizzy so i had an apple w/ pb, but i wasn't supposed to open the pb because i always just eat too much out of the jar!  i probably had 2 T of it, which is too much.  i know what i have to do, though, and if i had one day of 500 yesterday, i can have another 500 day tomorrow. i'm going to go to the gym tomorrow, too- today i just walked for 40 minutes and did abs, and i should do my leg exercises b/c i haven't been able to run since saturday, my legs hurt so much, but i just don't have enough motivation to do them.  we'll see.  i have a lot of work to do, and i have to find a new job ASAP b/c my internship is up next thursday and i have an overpriced apartment to pay for.  i keep thinking things are going to become less stressful, but it just keeps getting more stressful.  oh well.  plan for tomorrow:

b: ff yogurt

l: big salad w/ red peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, romaine lettuce and carrots and light dressing

s: banana

d: broccoli, red peppers and a little tofu sauteed with teriyaki sauce

total: 610, good enough

w/o: 25 mins. elliptical and 20 mins. stair master (uggh i wish i could have normal legs and RUN!  i hate cardio machines!)

i think i'm getting sick.  i'm SO tired.  well, i've got tons of work to do, so i guess i should stop obsessing over eating an apple with some peanut butter and go read a couple screenplays.

well, i am back.  i was doing fine, eating almost enough but never too much, running like the energizer bunny on crack, not gaining at all...and then my cat died.  his heart stopped during surgery.  they have NO IDEA why and of course i was so devastated, and still am.  he was 8 months and 1 week old.  so i had no appetite for a while...moped around depressed, blew off classes, had no motivation to work out much or anything...then i started to get my life back together.  and, for some reason, i started overeating.  not by much, only maybe 200 cals more per day than i needed, and not every day.  but i felt disgusting, of course, and i gained some weight.  i feel gross and depressed and not myself at all.  i woke up today just feeling like this is the day i take charge of my life, and my weight, again.  i'd first like to get down to 112 again- i am 116 right now.  then, from there, lose just 7 more pounds to get to 105 and maintain 105 for forever.  maybe go a little under, but i know i'll look skinny at 105 (people worry about me at 108 and say i look emaciated, which i don't see, but i guess it's partly true).  so, that's 11 pounds, and i'm giving myself 6 weeks to get there.  that means that mid-january, i'll be there.  or sooner.  i really have no desire to eat much, and i think that my body can live off this fat for a while, so i should have no problem staying between 400-800 cals/day.  i can lose about 2-3 pounds per week on 800-1000, so i should for sure lose 3 a week on this plan, but i gave myself more time just incase.  also, i'll be doing at least half an hour of cardio 5-6 days/week (but not overexercising, that actually keeps me from losing weight) and i'll be focusing on strength training, since i have great muscle tone and want to preserve as much of it as i can on a starvation diet...we'll see how that goes.  my food goals are at least 2 fruits and 3 veggie servings per day, whole grains (not refined sugar), low-sugar and low-fat or as little fat as possible, and no peanut butter till i get to 110!  pb is my main (and sometimes only) source of fat, so i should have no prob staying low-fat.  and i can purge as much as i feel like it, but not from eating too much- i have to stay within my cal limits, whether part of those cals get purged or not.

today:

b: banana (100)

l: huge salad w/ some light dressing and ff yogurt (260) (i'm insanely full right now, which is odd b/c i'm used to eating 2200 cals per day...)

d: 2 small apples (120)

total: 480

w/o: full body weights, heavy and slooow (-200), 20 mins. elliptical level 10 hills (-120), 20 mins. walking (-60) (-380 total, and i should do leg exercises later...we'll see if i have time)

ok, so the net will be 100. can you say muscle loss?  oh well, i know how my body loses weight and 1500 cals/day doesn't do it.  i'm off to write a paper about heartburn.  gross.  later!

ps- i'm sure you've all seen the pics of mk now that she's "healthier"- i think she looks good, but i know i could never deal w/ people putting "healthy" pics of me all over magazines if i used to be as thin as she was.  wonder what she thinks of it?  she gained that weight pretty quickly, didn't she?

I know it’s been a while since I’ve been here- I was so sick I could barely walk, let alone sit up to type without feeling really nauseous, so last week I just stayed home from Tuesday until Thursday, and then I had to fly home on Friday b/c my cat needs knee surgery on both back knees!  Poor baby!  And my vet here in boston sucks ass and told me he just “has to live with it”- meanwhile the poor thing can’t run, jump, or even walk normally.  So he’s at home w/ my family until he recovers (he’s getting the surgery next week, which sucks, it should have been sooner…and then a week of recovery).  I miss him so much, I walk around crying in the apartment.  It’s so empty w/o him.  I don’t know what to do b/c I have a month without him.  I am going to take a bus home to visit the weekend after he has the surgery.  I feel so bad, but I know he needs to be there b/c there is no one here I trust to perform the surgery on him, and I know my family loves him and he’s going to be spoiled over there.  I just don’t want him to think I abandoned him.  I can’t believe I’m not going to be there for him when he wakes up from surgery.  I feel horrible.

Anyway, I’m back at work.  Got stuck in a semi-hurricane (ok, well just the effects of the storm in FL) on my way to work, and my T stop was closed so I ended up having to walk 35 minutes in pouring rain and wind so severe there were times when I actually couldn’t walk.  I got blown into benches, buildings, the sides of a bridge…it was the worst commute ever, and at 4 PM I get to do it again.

While I was home, my mom made me go to the doctor, who tried to convince me not to be vegan anymore.  So I lied and said I wouldn’t.  They’re worried b/c of my history of anorexia, and also b/c I’m anemic and apparently have some sorts of deficiencies, but I have had that stuff since I was a kid.  Anyway, I did have to eat non-vegan foods at home.  And I guess I will again next time I’m there, if it’s what they’re eating.  But it’s better that way b/c now my mom isn’t worried about me anymore.  however, i feel so fat and bloated from this weekend...i just wish i looked the same to me as i did last week, but i swear i've gotten puffier and fatter.

For other vegans: have you tried tofu cream cheese?  I really miss cream cheese but I don’t know if I’d like the tofu cream cheese…what do you put on bagels?  Ha, you probably don’t eat bagels…

Ok anyway, I’m just trying to stay at around 1000-1500/day.  seems to be working, and I can still run as much as I want to.  Plus my friends and roommates aren’t interrogating me anymore, which is nice.  Today:

B: kashi w/ soy milk, ff yogurt (yeah the real kind…had to eat it, it’s too expensive to waste) (470)

L: small salad w/ light dressing (60), fruit salad w/ grapes, 2 chunks each of pineapple and watermelon (30), ½ small ww bagel (125) (total 215)

S: small apple (60)

D: tofu w/ broccoli and maybe peppers if I have any, with stir-fry sauce (200), carrots w/ hummus (90), ritz crackers "with whole wheat" what a crock...(100)

S: apple w/ pb I guess… (200)

Total: 1335

W/o: definitely the walking to/from work (about an hour, a little more today), and either running, gym or pilates depending on how I feel when I get home and what’s happening later tonight

EDIT

The wind is too intense to go to the gym safely...i really want to go anyway, and Cole isn't coming over tonight so I should just go...I'll have to think about it.  I feel SO FAT right now, like if I don't go I'll just get fatter.

EDIT again...i can't eat all that food.  i'm not going to the gym b/c i went outside to get quarters for the laundry machine and almost got blown away.  so, i have had the carrots w/ hummus and the crackers...i'm at 935.  i don't plan on eating any more.  if i do, hopefully it's the broccoli and not the apple and pb...isn't it sad that i'm scared of pb?  i haven't eaten any significant amount of fat all day, and i'm scared of pb.  oh well.  some people are scared of the dark, i'm scared of peanut butter.  i saw a maury episode once with a girl who was scared of lettuce.  but not of eating it- actually physically scared that it would hurt her.  moral of the story: my life isn't THAT weird.