aquietstorm's Xanga

M.I.A.

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 04:37:34 GMT

Wow I can't believe it's been so long since I've written here...but as it has before...life gets in the way sometimes. I don't even know what I've written about and what I haven't. It's been a challenging teaching year...as it always seems to be but I have a pretty good group...just three boys who need their booties paddled.

Married life is great...my husband makes me so very happy and somehow our family just keeps growing...we just recently bought a new puppy...Marlee...she's a Great Pyranees and going to be a big gurl just like her momma. We are having a hard time potty training her right now but as long as the potty spots keep growing more infrequent I figure we are improving. I feel like we have a new baby...have to childproof the house and spend most of our time taking things out of her mouth. Everyday I tell her, "It's a good thing you are so cute, fat girl!"

Here are a couple pics of her:

How cute is she? LOL

It's been kind of a rough weekend as my mom ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. I kind of freak out when anything is wrong with her because she is my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without her. She's such a huge support for me and I love her dearly. She is doing a lot better though and I hope she will get to go home tomorrow.

I'm also back on the losing weight train again. After the effects of my surgery halted and I wasn't losing any weight for a long time I decided to do Nutrisystem to get back on track. I've lost 25 lbs. in the last two months and I'm really happy to be getting down into my smaller sizes again. I still have a long way to go but at least I'm well on my way!

I guess that's it for now...I'm hoping to start writing daily again as it's always been therapeutic for me and helps me to get some of this stuff out of my head and on paper so to speak.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 11:28:36 GMT

end
it has to come to an end
relief has to be near
so unfamiliar
you ask me to stay
yet you push me away
in and out you go
until i don't know
what i know
anymore
it feels so odd
to feel so alone
when you're near
you don't let me close
so i back away
what choice do i have?
force on you
something meaningless
to your heart
and pretend i can hold it
when my hands remain empty
when my heart longs to be full
to believe again
what was once true
but isn't

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 11:25:29 GMT

dread
i feel it again
it always wins
takes me over
again and again
i look forward to
nothing
force my every move
holding back every tear
that wants to fall
because i just can't
make sense of it all
i feel that
no one understands
although someone
surely could
if only they would
when they know
they should
i want to stop
to give up
to throw in the towel
to not even care
anymore
but i know better

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 11:23:01 GMT

bored
i don't like the feeling
useless
time wasted
for nothing
sinking feeling
nothing is right
just because
the things you didn't say
the look on your face
last night
why am i the only one
to ask
to care
if things are okay
do i overreact
probably so
always have
most likely always will
but for you to imply
oh well
no big deal
so reminds me
of the beginning
of all my other ends
that i hoped i'd
forgotten

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 11:20:09 GMT

complicated
matters of the heart are
how we communicate
leaving someone to guess
when they should already know
anymosity
in someone's heart
bubbling and brewing
when an insincere smile
hides it all
leaving the hated
always unaware
to back into the
outstretched knife
one is happy to extend
superiority
they are convinced
they've earned
better than the rest
so sure it's true
smug and insincere
a tender heart they'll break
with no reason
with wrong intentions
for what?

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 11:16:49 GMT

it doesn't feel good
anymore
even what i used to
or thought i still did
look forward to
doesn't feel the same
anymore
i can't give
anymore
i can't get
anymore
it doesn't matter
anymore
always something
always something
always something!!!

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 11:15:20 GMT

paper is crisp
and clean
and almost feels
like starting over
yet just when i
believe the words are
through
my hand keeps moving
my pen is flowing
and words continue
to appear
just when i think
i'm done
another thought emerges
which triggers on and on
leading me
into oblivion
because what does
it really mean
afterall
the need to go away
to flee
just never goes awa
but leaves one question
where would i
go?

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 11:12:55 GMT

you don't want me
whether you know it
or not
wanting shows
needing shows
loneliness is a bottomless pit
there are times of hope
anticipation
disappointment
emptiness
heartache
but most of all
missing you
feeling as if
we're wasting time
so much time for love
yet nothing
we might regret
i know i will
when you aren't
here to hold
and never
will be again
i need you
now

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 11:10:37 GMT

little minds
who don't want to
choose not to
refuse to
little minds
confused and bewildered
digesting the life
that is thrown @ them
little minds
resisting change
craving love
always empty-handed
never satisfied
sucking the life
right out of me
taking my breath
my smile
my love my time
my heart my
spirit

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 11:08:46 GMT

to repeat
repeatedly
and NEVER
be heard
to need
and long
for your touch
and your love
only to be lonely
frustration
continues
to build
i need a release
release release release
RELEASE
i don't know
what or how
cry?
maybe
but tears
have flowed
to no avail
to no relief
to no release
pressure
pressing down
making me weak
and tired
weary
for energy
for life
for peace