ardemus's Xanga

Friday, June 13, 2008

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 01:07:46 GMT

apparently xanga is cleaning out accounts that haven't had a post in a while... so that's why I'm posting. I feel like other accts/sites should do that periodically. my username is usually taken these days. who the hell else would use ardemus?

so 3 years of med school is already over. the time really flies. I'm getting old and still haven't found what i'm looking for.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 06:11:55 GMT

argh!! i have fuggin' insomnia right now. have been lying in bed for over an hour. finally decided to get up... (have to set my computer alarm now b/c when I don't get enough sleep, there's always a high chance of me not hearing the radio alarm clock). and with fuggin' PBL at 8 this year... I can't afford to oversleep.
might as well update on my Dvorak progress... speed is up to 33ish.... kinda crappy but i guess it's expected when I still use QWERTY almost exclusive.

OK since i don't have any milk, maybe i'll heat up some soy drink... that is supposed to make you sleep right?? =(

Friday, October 13, 2006

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 03:52:18 GMT

24 WPM today. still typing QWERTY mostly.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 03:24:23 GMT

whoa... it's been forever since I've updated!
I've decided to try switching to Dvorak keyboard typing. I wanted to plot my progress online It's hard to switch because you're supposed to keep using that method ... but I can't stand typing so slowly... so when i'm not doing the "lessons" or tests, i tend to switch over to QWERTY.

So on QWERTY, my speed is 118 WPM.
When I did Dvorak for the first time, my speed was a dismal 6 WPM.
I think it might have gone up to 8WPM that same day after a little bit of practice.

Then today... when i did the test, it was 16 WPM. Still pretty crappy... but that's more than double the original speed.

This is also a big risk b/c supposedly if you try to switch over, your QWERTY speed drops like crazy (and you start making lots of mistakes when trying to type with QWERTY). I kinda noticed that already :-\

Oh, for those of you who are also interested in trying Dvorak, here's a site with lots of info (it had practically everything I needed to know for switching.)
http://www.theworldofstuff.com/dvorak/

you can use http://www.typera.tk for testing your speed. (yeah i know i keep promoting that site). Eric C from Toyon my year holds the highest (historic) score for that site!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 05:08:03 GMT

I went home for Thanksgiving for the first time ever. (during high school it doesn't really count cuz i'm not really going anywhere since i'm already at home!). anyway... things are really shitty at home. interestingly... i had an inkling that this would happen... i wrote in this journal entry from 9/20/2005:

"I’m still undecided about going home for thanksgiving. I guess it would be nice (cuz during Stanford I never went back! =-O but it equals about 30 hours on the road. Ick. And we only have like a few days off! I think I’d be fine here… but it would definitely be nice to chill for a while at home too. Who knows… it could be bad though, with my parents fighting all the time."

and yes... lo and behold... i come back on wednesday at 1PM... we immediately had to take my dad to the ER... my mom and i stayed with him there the whole night. then on thursday he was able to stay at home. then... on friday (today) as he is feeling better, he sent my mom out in person to drive over an hour to his work place to tell them he's sick. he just HAD to have her do it. NOOOO a phone call wasn't enough. and unfortunately, whatever my dad wants, we have to do.

then in the evening MORE FIGHTING. i wasted my whole night because of that. he always criticizes and blames people around him (my mom, me, my mom's brother, my mom's parents, etc). this wastes about 3 hours of our evening. he'll bring up things that happened 20 years ago! for instance, when i was 1 year old or something, my mom's parents weren't able to baby sit me or something and he blames my mom for that. stupid shit like that. and the sickening thing is, this has been going on for as long as i can remember. as a kid, i would have to hide under the covers of our 1 bedroom apartment, as my parents fought for hours. always my dad having mental problems and depression and just blaming other people for his own misfortunes. ugh, he is just so infuriating. he needs to go see a psychiatrist, but he won't because i guess chinese people don't like to admit to having mental problems.

i'm fine b/c i'm away at school for most of the year, but i just really feel sorry for my mom having to bear with this. ugh. i had a really really really REALLY REALLY terrible thought tonight, which i secretly told my close friend, but i shouldn't post it here.
yeah, you can probably guess what it is.

ok that is all. thanks for listening.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 09:07:56 GMT

i am so miserable. why do i do this to myself?? ugh. what is WRONG with me????????

ok since i'm already here, i will post the songs in response to jackie's tag. haha. i love talking about music i'm listening to.

so here's the five i guess.. in no particular order:

1. Fall Out Boy - Sugar, We're Going Down
2. 311- Don't Tread on Me
3. Rob Thomas - Lonely No More
4. Bon Jovi - Have a Nice Day (hahahahahahahaha)
5. A Perfect Circle - Weak and Powerless

actually those are just songs that make me really happy when i hear them on the radio. i don't listen to radio much lately though... so those are prob old songs.
good news though, i just installed a bittorrent client on this computer today, so i was able to download the 311 album and the Fall Out Boy album. so now i have 2 of the 5 songs above...

ok that made me feel a little better. i still can't belive i pulled all nighter for the damn assignments. ugh. i started on saturday too! what's wrong with me??? (oh in case you're wondering, it's 5AM,... .but i would have to get up at 6AM, so i was like fuck it). and i still haven't done my reading. ugh. ok enough of that. guess i'll get dressed and head over to school. oh yeah i have heart problems now too from all this stress. ugh. ok talk to you later.

oh! xanga has free image hosting now for free! haha. i'm doing this just cuz we can and .... uh... i don't really have many images on this computer. that's john and his baby.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 04:15:09 GMT

hmm seems like ppl aren't updating much anymore... :(
i guess i'm not either.

ummm but i just had to write something about this. (yes yes i'm a whiner).
it's late... near midnight... i was hungry... so i drove to the mcdonald's next to the lib on my way to the lib... but then the mcdonald's was closed... so i drove to wendy's... there i got a pseudo kid's meal (chicken nuggets, fries, coke, separately, cuz it's actually the same price as a kids meal anyway and more amount of food)... after i finished all the food and drink... i opened the drink cup to eat the ice... and inside i see a bug. a dead bug. and some hair. ewwwwwwww
that was disgusting yes. but is that disgusting enough to keep from yielding to my late night fast food cravings?? we'll see.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 23:26:32 GMT

just had to record this. I've been AIM-free since Wed 9/28/2005
Let's hope I can stick to it. At first it was hard and I seriously felt like I was going through withdrawal. I even used Post-It prog as an AIM substitute. Can you picture it? yeah. I was going to post a log of that on here, but didn't think I should let everyone see how crazy I am.
Anyway, things have been busy. Had a friend visit over the weekend. It's rather lonely here now that my friend has left.
OK maybe I'll update again soon, but maybe not. Bye for now!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 16:40:43 GMT

things are tough right now. i tried changing my study habits, but nothing seems different. am i functioning in slow-mo? it's only the 3rd day of school too. :-\ guess i won't do the pharmacy job anymore. :( ok i'm going to get to work. maybe things will just magically fall into place... :(

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 15:07:23 GMT

Hi!
sorry my last entry was such a downer. I'm actually not that depressed. hmmm maybe i am bipolar after all. however, i don't really get the manic phase really. maybe i'm just dysthymic (haha i remember something from clinical psych after all ).

so yeah... the tragedy in the gulf coast really puts things in perspective. there people have lost their homes, possessions and loved ones. then here i am stressing out about stupid deadlines.

i still really hate myself sometimes. i just don't know what's wrong with me!! i feel like i'm wasting my life. i hate feeling unproductive and stupid. like a useless piece of garbage that's taking up space and resources. then again, most people in this world do this... but i want to rise above that. i just can't seem to get myself focused. maybe my brain is deteriorating... i need to find a goal to work towards. that's why i find it helpful to write down a list of specific to-do's. then i can remind myself what i'm working on and then feel a slight bit of satisfaction when i cross off something. :) that strategy works well with short tasks... but when there's a large daunting assignment, then i'm in trouble.
i don't think i handle delayed gratification well. for instance, i just got introduced to this show called Coupling. After watching 1 episode (from Khoa), i got totally addicted, and kept watching it like 10 times. (only the good parts of course). then i found another source from one of my friends and i've downloaded several episodes. but instead of working and using an episode as a reward, i would instead let myself watch the first few minutes... which would lead to the watching of the entire episode.

anyway... sorry to bore you with my stupid entries... but i'm going to keep writing here b/c i still have this terrible fear of writing and i feel like writing on xanga better than writing nothing at all. ah... what i just said is yet another example shows my insecurity and low self esteem. i immediately assume that my writing is crap. i feel bad about it and apologize for writing this and having ppl potentially read it. why should i feel this way?? why don't i think, instead, that my life is actually very interesting and that people actually want to read about it?? ha. ok, i will try to have more confidence and not care what other people think. after all... you don't have to read it. my research proposal on the other hand... will unfortunately be read by others, not by their own free will. that gives me a sick feeling. i still have to write it regardless... otherwise you'll be in even more trouble. and when i say "you" i actually mean "me". i sometimes revert to 2nd person when i write these entries.

oh... so this labor day weekend, i totally slept a lot. definitely averaged 10 hours a day. although we learned (from Sleep&Dreams course reader) that you can't actually store up sleep reserves, i do believe that you have somewhat of a buffer zone and can in essence "recharge". for instance, if you can function fine with about 30 hours of sleep debt... by reducing that debt down to 20 over the weekend, you essentially have a 10 hour buffer zone that you can use up during the week.

ok so enough about that. today i don't think i'm doing anything in lab (everyone's focusing on the last version of the grant which is going out tomorrow), so i'll just work on my paper. then hopefully i will go home relatively early and run my errands and then take a nap? then... i hope to get up and go work out! i got a annual pass to the community center. it was cheaper than the 1-2-1 fitness center on Case campus.

talk to you later. hopefully next time i will have more positive things to report on.