It is with an abundance of love that our mother, Sandra Lorraine "Mumsy" Gothard, has passed on peacefully after a brief illness. She joins our father, Brian, only days after their 44th wedding anniversary. She also joins our brother Paul and her parents Marie and George Hargrave. She was 71 years old. Hers was a life lived fully, with great humour and bravery and determination. She leaves behind her daughters Alison Gothard (Shin) and Gillian Gothard (Allan), six grandcats, brothers Peter Hargrave (Lise) and David Hargrave, nieces Nicole Hargrave and Marie Tara Hargrave (Mary), and nephews Andrew Pell and David Hargrave. Thank you so much to the staff of the Village at University Gates for going above and beyond in your love and care for our mother and our family. Your friendship and kindness has gotten us through many difficult times, and it touched us deeply that so many of you were able to visit her in her last days of life and shared hugs, laughter, and tears with us.

Sandra will be cremated, and a memorial service will be held sometime in October.

In lieu of flowers, we request that donations be made to the Multiple Sclerosis Society of Canada.

This morning I got a call at 7:10, from a nurse at my mom's home. She said mom was feeling very hot in the night and was taking her clothes off in bed. She agreed to go to hospital to get checked out, although it was expected she'd probably be sent home. I know she's been feeling sick the last few days, but said she hadn't vomited or had diarrhea. Last night we spoke about 10:15 and she said she was feeling a bit better and had asked the nurse for some tea and toast.

I called the hospital at 2:15pm and the doctor happened to be right by the phone, so he updated me. They're keeping her in because she had reported belly pain and the home said she had diarrhea. They were waiting on an abdominal CT scan, but figured she has a kidney infection and a bit of C. Difficile. Yay. That explains why she's been feeling so awful!

So she's on IV fluids and antibiotics and will be admitted until she improves. Her mind is OK, she's just physically sick. I called the home with an update an thanked them for sending her in.

This morning I got a call at 7:10, from a nurse at my mom's home. She said mom was feeling very hot in the night and was taking her clothes off in bed. She agreed to go to hospital to get checked out, although it was expected she'd probably be sent home. I know she's been feeling sick the last few days, but said she hadn't vomited or had diarrhea. Last night we spoke about 10:15 and she said she was feeling a bit better and had asked the nurse for some tea and toast.

I called the hospital at 2:15pm and the doctor happened to be right by the phone, so he updated me. They're keeping her in because she had reported belly pain and the home said she had diarrhea. They were waiting on an abdominal CT scan, but figured she has a kidney infection and a bit of C. Difficile. Yay. That explains why she's been feeling so awful!

So she's on IV fluids and antibiotics and will be admitted until she improves. Her mind is OK, she's just physically sick. I called the home with an update an thanked them for sending her in.

Here is what my boyfriend just posted to the Rogers Communications Facebook page. He is also contacting Go Public to make this complaint about Next Issue Canada.

I am furiously angry at your Next Issue service! I signed up for a "free" trial. The service was SO AWFUL that I canceled online before my free trial was up. (The magazines were unreadable on my device, with only two zoom levels. Some magazines look like they were digitized by a 5 year old with a scanner.) As soon as I cancelled on my account, it locked me out of the website and my computer (running windows 8, the only machine that I owned that would work with it, which is another aspect that ) was immediately locked out of the service, despite the site promising to allow use of the service until the end of my billing cycle. Then I was billed for next issue twice on my Rogers account. When I phoned to complain, your Rogers rep said there is nothing they can do about it, I have to log into my account at next issue. He then transferred my to a next issue rep, despite telling me earlier that I had to do everything on line. (Which I told him I can't since I can't log into my account anymore.) The next issue rep, told me that my account was active and that he can cancel it now but kept saying he "can't issue a refund, because it is a monthly service". This is an UNACCEPTABLE EXCUSE. This Jay, person who spoke with a thick east Indian accent, also claimed that he had no supervisor and there was no one else who I can talk to. He kept saying "I can't issue a refund, because it is a monthly service.". He did say that had I had an email confirmation of my cancellation, maybe he can do something about it. Which means he won't do anything about it. I will be reporting this to EVERY MEDIA OUTLET I can find unless I get a refund. This is totally unacceptable.

http://igotitatta.com/alison-gothard

A few weeks ago, I went back to my sleep specialist for the first time in nearly a decade. The stimulants for my narcolepsy haven't been working much at all in quite a long time, so I wanted another sleep study and perhaps a change in medication.

Yesterday I finally saw Dr. Hawa for the results of my MSLT and MWT. So the result is that, as before, I have normal overnight sleep and the only time I have any apnea is when I'm on my back. However, it's very mild at that, and I spend very little time on my back anyway.

However, during the maintenance of wakefulness test (MWT) I fell asleep all four times, in an average of 16 minutes. On the second one I only stayed awake for 4 minutes, and that was on crazy amounts of stimulants!
So we're going to try me on Dexedrine instead of Ritalin and Concerta, and hope that I can take less of it and stay awake without my blood pressure being so high.

If that doesn't work, I might try modafinil again, but it can screw up birth control pills and I also had a bad experience with it a decade ago. The only other option is Xyrem, but I am sooo sensitive to sodium I think that would be dangerous for me. But I'll start with the dex and see what happens.

Have you bought a new HDTV in the Boxing Day sales? Get it professionally wall-mounted! We also do digital HDTV antennas. www.technubound.ca

In the aftermath of the Steubenville rape trial, there have been many mentions that boys should be "taught" not to rape women. While at face value, this seems ludicrous, there is something to it.

The vast majority of people (men included) deplore rape. Very few men aspire to rape people.

Where the teaching comes in is in the definition of rape. From an article by Dan Wetzel on Yahoo News:

Rape, experts say, is a crime of power and control more than sex. Underlying all of that is arrogance, and in Steubenville it was taken to the extreme.

Throughout this trial, the two defendants and a parade of friends who wound up mostly testifying against the defendants, expressed little understanding of rape – let alone common decency or respect for women. Despite the conviction, the defendants likely don't view themselves as rapists, at least not the classic sense of a man hiding in the shadows.

"It wasn't violent," explained teammate Evan Westlake when asked why he didn't stop the two defendants as they abused a non-moving girl that Westlake knew to be highly intoxicated. "I always pictured it as forcing yourself on someone."

That was part of the arrogance.

Arrogance from the defendants. Arrogance from the friends. Arrogance within the culture.

http://sports.yahoo.com/news/highschool--steubenville-high-school-football-players-found-guilty-of-raping-16-year-old-girl-164129528.html

There is absolutely no excuse for rape. People in Steubenville, and many who have responded via social media about the incident, seem to think that since the victim had consumed alcohol, that she somehow deserved to be raped. What needs to be taught is not so much "not to rape", but that consent is required for sexual activity, or else it is rape.

Consent cannot be given by someone who is too drunk to know what is going on. (Never mind the fact that the victim also believes she was drugged.) The defence statements of the rapists indicate that they thought that since the victim was not fighting back, that it was OK to perform sexual acts on her. Not fighting back is not consent.

Consent cannot be given by someone who is physically or mentally incapacitated in some way. I have narcolepsy, and sometimes I appear drunk when I'm actually having a sleep attack. My friends know that while I'm a good sport about being pranked while I'm awake, they are not allowed to prank me when I'm sleeping because I am unable to protect myself while in that state. My friends respect this. Likewise, my boyfriend knows that if I am truly not responding to him because I'm asleep, he'd better leave me alone. Without my express consent, he will not continue any physical contact. However, many men would find a lack of a "yes" or "no" confusing. Not saying "NO" is not consent.

Of course, many people find it incredibly awkward when they get into a situation where they change their minds about sex. Like many others, I have on multiple occasions found myself alone with a man and for some reason have become uncomfortable. The question then comes to mind, how do I stop this without endangering myself? In one case, my change of mind was due to increased aggression from my partner. I was afraid that if I said no, he would become agitated and violent. I kept making excuses, I kept saying I had to leave. That in itself is an indication that I am not giving consent. However, I found myself unable to get away, and decided that the best way to prevent violence was to perform oral sex on him. Eventually he did let me go, but I felt sick and shaken afterward. This happened while I was out of province on holiday, so I knew I would never see him again. I never reported it, and have told very few people about this incident. This is a "coming out" of sorts. While I don't feel ashamed of what happened, there is something inside me that says I shouldn't talk about it. This is in direct contrast to my generally open and "out there" personality. Some would say that since I performed oral sex on this man that it was a consensual act, but in reality it was a survival method because when I expressed my lack of consent, he wouldn't take no for an answer.Giving in to coersion is not consent.

So I totally get the feeling of self-doubt experienced by rape victims. I understand the fear that arises when you realise you can't escape the power another person holds over you. What needs to be taught is not "how not to rape", but "how to recognise consent". Last year I attended a workshop where about 40 people of varying genders discussed consent. So many admissions of similar experiences to my own came out, and not just from women. Men feel a societal pressure to want sex all the time, and often fear that they will seem "weak" or "unmanly" if they express that they do not want to have sex. Women coerce men quite possibly as much as men coerce women. What we needs to teach young people (and that's young people of ALL genders) is how to communicate. Ask "May I kiss you?" or "May I touch you in this way?" and get a yes or no. Silence is a NO. Averting eyes is a NO. What is a yes? Either the person saying yes, or the person reaching out specifically to allow that kind of touch requested. Consent is a specific positive response to a direct question.

A great resource for learning how to practice good consent can be found at http://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/zines/2879/

This morning I had a very intense meeting at my mom's seniors' home. It involved me, Shin Huang, my mom, Gillian Ruth, and Lindsay (the director of the home). It was about my mom's hoarding being totally out of control again. You can't even enter her room because it's so bad. I was (am) still pissed off with mom for pulling the stunt with the Humane Society on Saturday. I had a panic attack in the night, and Shin was worried about me, so he went with me for support even though I didn't ask him to. I was really grateful for it.

When we arrived, Gilly was pissed off because Mom had just told her she'd bought a new bed (despite her claims that she has no money) and had asked the handyman in the home to throw the old bed in the dumpster outside. That bed is Gilly's, and was only on loan to Mom. Fortunately, it turned out that he hadn't thrown it out yet, so I will be picking it up tomorrow.

Lindsay was really late getting to us, and Gilly had to get going in a hurry, so Gilly was already stressed about that too. Mom was saying "I'm sorry, but..." to everything, which means she's not one bit sorry for anything. I said to her "Sorry isn't good enough."

Her TV is still broken, so last night she occupied herself by taking a bunch of ornaments and crap from around her room and piling them up on her bed. She ended up sleeping in her armchair because she completely buried the bed. She called both me and Gilly this morning asking for boxes, which we took over with us. Mom claimed several boxes were ready for us to take away immediately, but when we got up there she had all these glass and ceramic ornaments piled up to overflowing in a few boxes. We said no way were we taking them like that, and she had to wrap them all in newspaper and box them properly. This is typical of my mother. She had a whole box of old newspapers on the floor that she had gathered for disposal, but it never occurred to her to use them for wrapping.

Anyway, in discussion, Gilly became very upset and said that she was at her wits' end with the hoarding. She's overextended with school out of town, and homework, and work, and didn't know what she was expected to do. It was clear she was very concerned but also extremely frustrated, and also worried that I was going to be angry with her for expressing this. She became totally overwhelmed and left, at which point I started telling mom off for putting so much stress on both of us and having no interest whatsoever in helping herself or considering the damage she has done to us over our entire lives. I mentioned how we had gone for family counselling when Gilly and I were young, and it only resulted in three of us talking about Mom's abuse and Mom trying to blame everybody else for everything. I talked about the counsellor asking Mom why she
was so focused on herself when her daughter was sitting there crying her eyes out because she was in so much emotional distress. Mom's response, then and also today, was "But look at all the stuff you've done to me." Lindsay looked sad to hear the extent of the dysfunction in our family, but didn't comment.

Mom tried to change the subject from cleaning to her wanting her TV fixed, and I stopped her and said we weren't there to discuss that. Lindsay asked if we were willing to go in and clean her room, and I said yes, but ONLY if Mom isn't present. If Mom's there she wants to tell us a story about every scrap of paper and piece of string, and won't let us throw things out. Initially Mom said no, but Lindsay convinced her that it was what needed to be done. Shin suggested that since Gilly's not available to help, that we ask our friend Shari to help us, and Mom pay her for her time. (Shari loves this kind of thing, and has done some work with Mom recently.) Mom reluctantly agreed. Lindsay said that if we let her know in advance what day we'll be there, she will make sure that Mom doesn't bother us. If Mom tries to interfere while we clean, Lindsay will forcibly remove her from the room. (Note: My mom is always saying nasty things about Lindsay, but we really like her and keep thanking her for being the enforcer so Mom focuses her rage on someone other than us. Lindsay is actually a really awesome person, with the patience of a saint!)

So the deal is that Mom has until the end of this weekend to remove as much as she can herself. Lindsay will inspect next week, and then if (when) she deems it still too messy, we will go in and clean the room ourselves for one or more days. On February 20, Lindsay will inspect again, and if it's still not good enough, Mom will have to pay a professional to finish the job before March 1. However, I am confident that we will be able to get it cleaned up well enough ourselves. We also said that Mom must start going to some kind of counselling again, as she hasn't in a couple of years and I figure she needs someone to monitor her mental state and her worries consistently. I also spoke to Lindsay on Monday and asked her to have the doctor examine Mom's medications to see if she might be manic from having too much. She has lost about 60 pounds in
recent months due to the care in the home, and last time she had a significant weight loss, she had a psychotic episode due to her medications not being reduced correspondingly.

At the end of the meeting, we took the empty boxes up to Mom's room. She had piled a whole bunch of ornaments and random crap on her bed last night, and then slept in her armchair. She claimed there were some boxes ready for us to take away, but we refused because they were just overflowing boxes of glass and ceramic items with no protective wrapping on them at all. Beside the bed, she had a whole box full of newspapers she had gathered for disposal, so I told her she had to wrap each piece and put them in boxes and close the boxes or we wouldn't take them. She had also taken her armchair and flipped it upside down, something she frequently did with the couch when we were kids. She would decide to "clean" the living room, and that meant flipping the couch and dumping off all the shit she'd piled on top of it, then taking a broom and sweeping the mounds of junk from behind and under the couch into the middle of the room. She would then upright the couch and fall asleep on it, and never finish the job. She could never understand that the stuff behind the couch was not what most needed to be cleaned, and that she should focus on the stuff on top of the couch and on the floor. This is characteristic of a person with frontal lobe brain damage, which she developed years ago due to her MS.

I came home and slept for the afternoon while Shin went off to work. Mom left me a message asking for more boxes. When I woke up, Shin came home so we went out together and got more boxes from the liquor store. We delivered those boxes and took away six neatly packed and sealed boxes for donation to the thrift store tomorrow. Mom insisted I take them to the Salvation Army store "because they're the best charity", but that shop is way out of the way and inconvenient for unloading the car into. Anyone who wants to purchase my mom's junk will be able to find it at Talize.

When we left the home, I texted Gilly to thank her for coming and let her know that her presence DID make a difference, even if it didn't feel like it did. I also wanted to make sure she knew I'm not angry with her for leaving or being unable to help with the cleanup. She was still doubtful about how helpful she was, but she's probably relieved to know I'm not planning to yell at her for leaving.

In Nibbler news, she is very active today and seems to be walking better, although still a bit awkwardly. She's very snuggly and was talking in my ear while I laid on the bed tonight.