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being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
these are the best days of our lives*
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| It’s been two months now since the first day I utter words concerning my sexuality to another human being. I find all of this very hard to deal with (as I’m sure anyone else would). It is ironic to think that at this new phase in my life, the phase where everyone calls “finally discovered yourself, finally have found your true self” phase, I feel more lost than I have ever felt before. Being straight I believe was much easier. I had already known everyone in it; I had already experience the feelings, the emotions, and the daily rituals of it. And now, waking up and realizing that I no longer live solely in that world is a little strange. Not because I am too stubborn to accept it or too dense to see the reality of it, but because I felt more accepted in it. Since I learned of my “other sexual feelings”, I have always thought I would feel more “at home” more “in place” and more “welcomed” in the gay community over that of the straight one. But this I have found is not the case. It seems that for me, because of the nature of homosexuality, the nature of union-ship (?) and closeness, it is almost impossible to break into the circle. I feel shun, not by the straight world (ironically again) but rather by the gay world. How completely unorthodox is that? At times I find myself questioning whether or not I should turn right or left, walk faster, slower, or keep the same pace so that maybe, by chance, I will bump into someone that I could call a “gay friend”. I’ve heard from a few (the only three gay people I know who are only of acquaintances) that “there is no rush”, “no hurry” and to “enjoy what you have now because it’s hectic in there.” I understand all of this and appreciate my life very much. But I think it would be nice to be settled in both worlds instead of hanging on to one and sliding down a slippery slope of another. I guess all in all, everything takes time. Hopefully time will allow for all the randomness to sink into place and all the puzzles to come together as one complete panoramic picture. But for now, I’ll just keep on praying. |
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