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aude13
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Birthday: 3/26/1981
Gender: Female
Interests: creative writing; literature; politics and current events; film; period and costume dramas; Cardinals baseball; Irish shenanigans; chocolate cake
Expertise: 20th cent afam lit; attractive yet obscure actors; rubberband balls
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  mutecow13
Member Since:
2/7/2004
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| TechnobeatDon't believe those silly lies about this country taking over the
world. As students sit numbly, on fur-covered seat pads, waiting for
the technological advancement elixir to seep into every orifice and
magically lift them, and the country, out of whatever century the rest
of the world departed, central heating decentralizes every two weeks,
men-children in sport coats and spit-shined vinyl loafers pick at brick
piles, and the street sweeping machines whir at the pace of a 70 year
old woman who, stretched out, reaches my chin. AND yes, I'm going to
bitch about the internet because somehow they can shoot a man into
space but feel it imperative to restrict my access to Facebook,
Birthday Alarm, and You Tube. Can I please indulge in some petty online
obsessions?? A happy teacher might not be a good teacher, but it's
better than the alternative.
I submit my vote of no faith. When a sack of oranges can be bartered
for a half dollar but a computer costs nearly double the American
equivelent, someone needs to rethink some strategy. So, keep sending
your children to public school, invest in homegrown companies, and if
the New York Times warns of an impending shift in the global hegemony,
read another newspaper.
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| I leave Shenyang in 12 hours...........
Just returned from the last KTV bash of the year. (My life henceforth
operates in school years, not regular years.) Lots of departing
thoughts. Many friends came in and out tonight - students I taught,
those I met in odd ways, people who I only knew briefly. I'm too tired
to have profound thoughts, but I sense something special in sharing
moments w/ people. Friends are swell, but great friendships grow out of
many small moments, I think. As I walked back, exhausted and hurting
from the stupid chunk flip flops I wore, I realized how many people
I've come to know and how many have shaped my life, some in little
ways, others in bigger ways. When I add up the year, it amounts to
something irreplaceable.....life, simply.
We go on w/ our mundane lives, only really reflecting when change
forces itself upon us. Most of my friends are in the States and today,
tomorrow, the next day, and the next are remarkably ordinary; even I
have not overly considered my transition. But when I try to leap into
the future and see myself now, I know that here, this past year, I've
become a little more of myself. Hopefully also I have given a little
more. I am a lucky person.
(A slice of) tonight's attendees.........Steven - a fellow
'Southerner', as he is from Shenzhen and initially provided me w/
healthy dose of Cantonese. But I soon became his private English
writing tutor and now he is off to London for his masters. Hoping he
will continue his Ph.D in HK. Sara and Jurji - the resident Slovenians,
who started as Ethan and Robert's drinking buddies; now we converse
about everything, sans alcohol. Lately Sara has been my 'hunting for
hot World Cup players' partner. Ahh, Portugal. Matt - requires multiple
entries. For all his conspiracy theories, Chinglish jokes, and
spontaneous craziness, he has kept China ordered for me. My brain would
have mushed completely w/o the intellectually stimulating conversations
held in the darkened 2nd floor landing of our dorm.
I miss people. And now, I miss knowing that it's 2:30a and I can pass
out on my bed until late morning, rise, and welcome another humdrum day
in Shenyang, China. Hello, America; goodbye, C'dale; and hello,
Columbia!
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| Just want to reaffirm that Christian Bale is one hot specimen of a male.
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| Sometimes this country blows. I speak specifically of internet access.
My brother told me how to shrink pictures so I'm finally posting
online, but every password access site is conveniently inaccessible.
Shenyang might have the world's premiere horticultural exposition
(started today and looks awesome), China might be booming economically,
but I still can't bloody log onto Shutterfly or Photobucket, nevermind
my ND account. FRUSTRATION!!!!! I love America.
Mass this morning, Middle Street w/ Allen (my little 'brother') and
Helen w/ the intention of spending a lot of money - spent cab fare
instead, hung out in my room while Allen looked at my pictures,
Carrefour - the French WalMart - in the evening, pizza w/ Allen and
Dennis, home. Sweeeeet home. :)
I'm going to Allen's hometown, Fushun, and maybe nearby Benxi this
week. Was supposed to go to Dalian w/ some students and still might do
that, but I'm actually looking forward to NOT doing anything for
awhile. Have a big document to edit and just don't feel like travelling
around w/ the rest of the country. It's the May holiday - I want to
relax! And wanted to spend time w/ students who are here for break. We'll see.
Fr. Paul's ordination is coming up next weekend. He'll be the bishop of
Shenyang. I've never personally known a bishop. Rad......He's
ridiculously kind and generous, and he took me out to dinner last
semester.
Despite everything, I'm sitting here on a Sunday evening, the last day
of April, and recognizing that my life is very good. There are plenty
of simple pleasures to be enjoyed, and I'm enjoying them. :)
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| my facebook is (temporarily) bunk so.......HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VIVIAN!!
(jennifer - comments on the americans still forthcoming......)
it's 12:53a, a good a time as any to discuss my still nameless friend.
here is the lowdown on the boy non-situation.......so, back in october,
ethan asked me to be a 'guest lecturer' in a class. his students had
asked about asian american discrimination and, as he has little
experience in that dept, called upon me. well damn those int'l trade
majors for being so inquisitive b/c that's when i met my '普通朋å‹'
('ordinary' friend) - and my emotional life has been a wreck ever since.
this guy happens to be from guangdong and i happened to be hurting for
a cantonese partner. a couple chance meetings led to dinner
and........F#*$&!!!!!!! (frustration) we started our friendship w/
a 5hr conversation about everything (hk pop stars, ice cream,
nationalism, basketball......) and, by the end of the night, ideas
swirled through my head. but - here's my hangup, the guy's a sr and
younger than my brother! having a relationship would, at that point,
have broken a cardinal rule - don't date someone younger than my
brother. (i have since pitched that rule.)
we turned these things into a weekly dinner/conversation until we
started seeing each other a lot, and emailing each other, a lot and
calling each other, a lot. then it became a daily thing. i'll skip
details b/c i don't want to subject myself to greater agony. but we
would do so many things together - karaoke at 4p, dinner and a bloody
cold walk back home, taping my windows shut, warding off stalkers and
otherwise eccentric students, email tag. aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.........
then, one day it went from the cusp of going out straight back to the
relationship gallows. i'm not quite sure what happened, but the
flirtation definitely evaporated. i blame it on end-of-the-semester
anxiety and the fact that he hadn't been home for a year and was ready
to haul out of shenyang. i departed for my winter vacation w/ a broken
heart, of the h.s. variety, and spent the whole of break rationalizing.
rewind a few xanga entries and you'll see the crinkle in this story -
my visit to shenzhen in mid-feb, the last real time we spent together.
at last report, he attended my bday fete, during which i spent most of
the night sitting next to him, singing songs that might give him a hint
or two. i emailed him the next day to thank him for his attendence -
and NO bloody word since. yes, i've been keeping tabs. he's definitely
broken the 3 day rule; i think he's going for the 3 week, or 3 month,
rule. at this point, i don't even expect anything, although i still
obsessively check my mailbox. supposedly he is busy writing his thesis
and studying for toefl - but too busy to even call or write?? my spies
have spotted him playing basketball so clearly the boy is not holed up
(a la me during finals week).
my good friend, gia, who has accompanied me through this trying
journey, offers this evaluation: chinese guys are serious about
relationships, and he'd rather not start one now b/c we'd only have a
semester. so he'd rather distance himself to spare future heartache.
somehow, i'm not moved.
i am - slightly - comforted by something my friend and his classmate
told me, that last semester he would always talk about me w/ a smile,
that he thought our conversations intelligent, that he enjoyed spending
time w/ me. nostalgia...........
conclusion: i've thought so much about this that i really have nothing
more to say. the worst thing is that i've already lost a lot of feeling
for him. whether or not he intentionally distanced himself, it's
worked; we're strangers again. :( sad b/c everyday there is something
new that i want to share w/ him. i know i've fallen for a guy when i
feel perfectly girly and demure around him - something that doesn't
happen often as we all know. for the first time, i got over myself and
threw away my doubts, not caring that he was younger and from a
different country. isn't love worth a try??! i don't want to get too
old for a game i was never in..........
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