| Long time no vent.
Things completely take their turns on this road where somewhere along the way I became completely consumed in the anger with everything and fueled it by my anger of everything inside of me. The days have been up and down, and I begin to believe that medication is somewhat of a farce. I got fired from my job with Deron-which is fine, it was long and coming because my boss constantly felt the need to goad me into NA or tell me about Christian Science, or use his newly acquired social work class skills...I asked him to stop, and I began to set some boundaries with my job. I have the tendency to go way above and beyond and find that people will gladly take that and tell you little pits and pats about how great you are but literally give you nothing in return. I do have the capacity to give freely, but am completely ok with the need that I have for reciprocation. So me setting those boundaries was huge and also a huge self assessment birth. By my setting boundaries and backing off of my "above and beyond" and just doing what my job responsibilities were things quickly began to deteriorate. There was also my inability to drop the issue of the house manager inappropriately taking funds from Deron's books, and his mother the conservator doing nothing about it. There was also my inability to overlook the fact that Deron's morning staff allowed him to eat enough cat feces to make him severely sick for three days. There was also my inability to overlook the fact that the neighbors reported to me that the morning staff person frequently yelled at Deron and locked him out of his house and also handled him pretty rough....my inability to let these things slide and instead stand up for Deron led to my co-worker (the staff in question) to become hostile towards me and threaten me with violence. Now none of you know me, but I am so very street wise having internal crisis and life circumstances force me to leave the upper middle class life and be a homeless runaway teen...and work my way through the ranks of some hardcore individuals...and make a lot of money state to state bringing this and that back and forth...if you get my meaning...I was gainfully employed by the streets the majority of my life...(another story time some other day)..so I am well versed in threats and take them seriously. When it takes place in a professional setting, I am also well versed in the law, and stood by my rights and demanded that action be taken... well they did some conflict resolution where they continued to allow this woman to be verbally aggressive toward me, and suffice to say it made working with her very difficult...and the lack of support from my supervisor who couldn't juggle his need to back me up with his hurt feelings about me asking him to back out of my personal life became a really bad situation for me....so in the end I was let go because I became "not a match for Deron's team because everyone needs to be a team player at all times" Unfortunately I cannot be a team player in those circumstances- and in the end I didn't belong. It has been pretty tough to deal with and lucky me I have a great doctor that gave me some time off of work to get my head together, which works out perfectly because CAL unemployment denied me because I was in school...Thanks to getting fired I pulled out of the semester with my lowest grade being a C+ and a letter of recommendation to graduate school from the toughest SOC professor on campus( which is a feat considering I just transferred in to finish my senior year at CSU and know NOBODY)...Things have been a roller coaster, constant up and down...I have pushed people away out of my own indignant stubborn attitude that arises out of how I deal with stressful (or perceived stressful) situations. Emily takes the brunt of everything, she holds me when it is hard to be held and I push away, she doesn't let me isolate and demands immediate resolution so we don't waste another moment of our sparkle on the struggle, she encourages me when I am believing my bullshit, she loves me through all the spikes, spurs and armor I have around me-neither of us believe it when the other gets so mad and frustrated that we say "I am done with this" because everyone feels that way-it is a normal emotion, and part of learning that we will never give up on each other- she is the only person on this earth who has seen all of me, beyond the amazing allure that everyone falls in love with, but the depths of the person that I won't show anyone, the strength, the weakness, the dream, the true vision, the soul, the passion..she knows all of me (but don't tell her, she'll get a big head)......we work things out heart to heart and soul to soul-we are so in love...she is my hero. No other human being compares to my love, trust, and life long commitment to Emily...My grandmother is even second to her (and my grandmother has historically been my biggest fan) I am becoming such a better person because she inspires me to be that for me, her, us, and our family. I realize now that Emily is my number one fan, and I am hers. Now mind you, none of this reality of how I have just been smashing my way through the days and those around me surmounting to absolutely anything but mindfulness for days and days and days even occurred to me until my little brother broke my heart.....He and I have a lot of the same qualities, in fact it has been said we are the male/female versions of each other...We lived together for a short while this fall...until about 3 weeks ago when he told me that I was only his half sister and their was nothing I could do about it because it was genetic...which is true. I don't know my father, and my dad adopted me when I was 4, so we don't share the same dad...but we have never treated it like that in my family. NEVER. This issue was the driver behind my leaving the upper middle class and becoming the runaway homeless kid. I kicked him out of my house and let my father know that he has minimal college credits and is just using Dad's money to literally lay on the couch watch cops, eat, and smoke weed all day....we didn't speak at Xmas, I looked at him twice. For once in his life he has to come and apologize. He refused to open my present and didn't even get me one. We went up for Xmas eve, and left Xmas afternoon. I spent much of Xmas eve and Xmas crying. I continue to hear my mother say things like " I am not choosing sides....blah blah" and I told her in absolute tears, that this is one situation that isn't about "sides"--this situation is something that she has a huge part in creating. It isn't my fault that I am a half-ling and it is high time that my mother stand up for me and put a stop to anyone thinking that. I told her, she needs to stand up to him and stick up for me-because she never has....and when I realized that inside I felt very alone and upset-my mother doesn't know her father so really my only living blood relatives are my grandmother (and her estranged family) and my mother...that is it......it is interesting that perhaps the fact that my mother has never stood up for the mistakes she made, and stood up for me is perhaps the major source of all of my anger inside.....it has been a very hard month...but so much has come of it.....My other brother (who I kicked out last year for much of the same reason-which worked out because he got in gear, got in school, and is moving to Humbolt) came down last night and we watched movies and were just together-he and Emily and I....It was nice, and not demanding at all-we decided it was an extention of Xmas... Everyday these scattered pieces of my existence are falling into place, perspective or completely finding their way away...It is hard to let people into me and be comfortable when they are there (this is even true outside of me-I don't even want people over at my house)...but now selectively I am allowing it...remembering all those things that lie behind the chaos...those things that really comprise me...and I decided to get into this kind of therapy that helps me to develop the skills that I need to get away from these negative thinking patterns. I am hoping that this is the road away from medication...I prefer the natural path...and am working toward that...and completely believe it is possible. I keep telling Emily that I am "going pioneer" and I am ...no food with preservatives, everything made at home (except I will buy my clothes)...but so much of everything else..fuck yea.. this commercial world is all consuming. We are having a new engine put into our 74 super beetle and selling the Impala. We are giving away everything that we don't use or need. We are minimizing the things in our life that aren't important....it is a cleansing that is well over do. Keeping true meanings and the conflicts of the messages that our society follows separate is a fine line...so I guess that is what we do... and Cash had it right....we walk the line. |
