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| I want it to rain...No, I want it to pour. Hard, like soak me. So I can spin in circles and not feel anything at all. Hide from my emotions/ all these feelings bottled up.
So I can make myself believe I'm okay. Because I know I really am. I just don't feel it. And I, base everything on my emotions. One of the many downfalls of being me. I don't know what my problem is.
I've had an awesome weekend! Really... with Kristin and Ricky on Friday, Kristen came over Saturday and I went to the mall, then I went to Kristens yesterday and camped out all night in really cold weather with 7 other girls. lol It was awesome. Did I mention my multi-colored nails??
Or the fact that I so bought a water bra?
Or um... the fact that I found an awesome pair of jeans that don't have to be sown shorter??
Or that I've had a bubble bath everyday this weekend? But mornings are the worse. I wake up and I feel like complete shit. Drained like I didn't sleep at all the night before... and so far, every morning has lead to be being over the toliet puking my guts out.
But hey, it's a great way to start of the day right??
My mood has been light. I haven't had to pretend to be okay (at least not for long), I really have been okay. (Which shocks even me) But it still hurts... everything still hurts...
My eating still isn't back to normal. But honestly, I don't really want it to be. I mean, I'm not doing anything to myself. I've been following the fuck it barrier... as promised... but I'm suffocating myself. But I'm back into my old dgroup, no I'm not changing churches... but I can't stay in my dgroup which never does anything at all. So... technically now I'm in two. OCC's is my first priority still though. So yeah... [If you want the truth,
I need to confess::
I'm n o t alright.
I'm broken inside.
And all I go through leads me to you...] | | |
| [so, tell me we still have something...]It's near the end.
And we both know it.
Just waiting for the last words to be said.
I'm scared, but I'll get through it. It's in ^Your^ hands now.
Because I'm tired of being sick because of this.
I know I love him.
But if he can't figure out what he wants... then maybe it shouldn't happen.
I know I need him.
But eventually maybe I won't....
I miss your touch, the occassional "I love you"s.
Cuddles and such... idk...
I just miss us...
But it's not over yet.
And I'm not saying it will be.
But in case, I'm letting my heart prepare... | | |
| [you lost yourself tonight]I sit, and I wait, and I listen to what he's saying, every word... word for word.
He's talking about forgiveness.
"To restore a damaged relationship, choose reconciliation."
Discussing that to forgive someone, you really have to wish them well, if you don't then you're basically hopeing for the worse to happen self-consciously (not so true with me).
It's not about solving and fixing the past, it's just about moving forward, moving past the past.
But here's where he lost me.
"Whether you've been hurt or if you've done the hurting, it's your responsibility to make the first move towards reconciliaton."
Okay, that's one thing... but what about when you have already done that?
Personally, I always make the first move, either way (or at least it seems like it's always me to give in first) because, I hate the empty silences. The ackward feelings between the two.. it's something I personally, cannot stand.
So... What now? Where do you go now?
If I've tryed again and again to forgive you. To move past it. To wish you well.
But you insist on making things harder and harder....
I've done all I can. Yet I feel... hurt, pain, all the feelings as if I never had done anything at all are still there.
Then isn't it worthless?
To stand up? To try and fix it?
This broken friendship shatters me to this day and you don't care.
But he said something else. One more thing...
Basically:: no matter how much you think you're over it, theres still if nothing else a tiny flame burning inside both of you that will never completely die.
Is that true? For you, do you still feel it?
When you think about me or see me do you regret what you did to me, or want to say something but your pride is so big that it keeps you from doing it?
I don't want to hate you.
But I do. | | |
| [you belong with me]Today was the wedding... and surprisingly I ended up being able to go. Alot of work for something to wear for something that lasted like 2 hours... if that. lol But still, it was worth it. Time with him always is. It was actually the first wedding I had ever been to... so yeah. Quite an experience ^.^
I'm relieved... and I keep coming back to this but things were so icky... so scary and fragile and now, I just feel like I can breathe. I mean, no things aren't perfect, but it's alot better then what it was. It was scary, I mean... I was certain that by the end of the week I was going to end up losing him. Thank God I didn't... Idk what I would do without him... | | |
| See you across this painted room,
Shattered glass, extended wounds.
I never blamed you. (Not once, oh no)
You held me close and tore away
All the empty thoughts when I threw myself away...
I can't seem to be the one to do that for you tonight.
And something's wrong.
No, you aren't yourself tonight.
Silence speaks the words your mouth fail to say.
And somehow I know this feeling won't fade away...
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Just something that kind of came to me... no, it's not that great, but still it's something... | | |
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