autume_slumber's Xanga

I want it to rain...

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 13:38:13 GMT

No, I want it to pour. Hard, like soak me. So I can spin in circles and not feel anything at all.

Hide from my emotions/ all these feelings bottled up.
So I can make myself believe I'm okay. Because I know I really am. I just don't feel it. And I, base everything on my emotions. One of the many downfalls of being me.

I don't know what my problem is.
I've had an awesome weekend! Really... with Kristin and Ricky on Friday, Kristen came over Saturday and I went to the mall, then I went to Kristens yesterday and camped out all night in really cold weather with 7 other girls. lol It was awesome.

Did I mention my multi-colored nails??
Or the fact that I so bought a water bra?
Or um... the fact that I found an awesome pair of jeans that don't have to be sown shorter??
Or that I've had a bubble bath everyday this weekend?

But mornings are the worse. I wake up and I feel like complete shit. Drained like I didn't sleep at all the night before... and so far, every morning has lead to be being over the toliet puking my guts out.
But hey, it's a great way to start of the day right??
My mood has been light. I haven't had to pretend to be okay (at least not for long), I really have been okay. (Which shocks even me) But it still hurts... everything still hurts...
My eating still isn't back to normal. But honestly, I don't really want it to be. I mean, I'm not doing anything to myself. I've been following the fuck it barrier... as promised... but I'm suffocating myself.

But I'm back into my old dgroup, no I'm not changing churches... but I can't stay in my dgroup which never does anything at all. So... technically now I'm in two. OCC's is my first priority still though. So yeah...

[If you want the truth,
~~I need to confess~~::
I'm n o t alright.
^{I'm broken inside.}
And all I go through leads me to you...]

[so, tell me we still have something...]

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 17:46:46 GMT

It's near the end.
And we both know it.
Just waiting for the last words to be said.
I'm scared, but I'll get through it. It's in ^Your^ hands now.
Because I'm tired of being sick because of this.
I know I love him.
But if he can't figure out what he wants... then maybe it shouldn't happen.
I know I need him.
But eventually maybe I won't....
I miss your touch, the occassional "I love you"s.
Cuddles and such... idk...
I just miss us...

But it's not over yet.
And I'm not saying it will be.
But in case, I'm letting my heart prepare...

[you lost yourself tonight]

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 13:36:54 GMT

I sit, and I wait, and I listen to what he's saying, every word... word for word.
He's talking about forgiveness.
"To restore a damaged relationship, choose reconciliation."
Discussing that to forgive someone, you really have to wish them well, if you don't then you're basically hopeing for the worse to happen self-consciously (not so true with me).
It's not about solving and fixing the past, it's just about moving forward, moving past the past.
But here's where he lost me.
"Whether you've been hurt or if you've done the hurting, it's your responsibility to make the first move towards reconciliaton."
Okay, that's one thing... but what about when you have already done that?
Personally, I always make the first move, either way (or at least it seems like it's always me to give in first) because, I hate the empty silences. The ackward feelings between the two.. it's something I personally, cannot stand.

So... What now? Where do you go now?
If I've tryed again and again to forgive you. To move past it. To wish you well.
But you insist on making things harder and harder....
I've done all I can. Yet I feel... hurt, pain, all the feelings as if I never had done anything at all are still there.
Then isn't it worthless?
To stand up? To try and fix it?
This broken friendship shatters me to this day and you don't care.

But he said something else. One more thing...
Basically:: no matter how much you think you're over it, theres still if nothing else a tiny flame burning inside both of you that will never completely die.
Is that true? For you, do you still feel it?
When you think about me or see me do you regret what you did to me, or want to say something but your pride is so big that it keeps you from doing it?

I don't want to hate you.
But I do.

[you belong with me]

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 19:32:56 GMT

Today was the wedding... and surprisingly I ended up being able to go. Alot of work for something to wear for something that lasted like 2 hours... if that. lol But still, it was worth it. Time with him always is. It was actually the first wedding I had ever been to... so yeah. Quite an experience ^.^

I'm relieved... and I keep coming back to this but things were so icky... so scary and fragile and now, I just feel like I can breathe. I mean, no things aren't perfect, but it's alot better then what it was. It was scary, I mean... I was certain that by the end of the week I was going to end up losing him. Thank God I didn't... Idk what I would do without him...

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 15:00:09 GMT

See you across this painted room,
Shattered glass, extended wounds.
I never blamed you. (Not once, oh no)
You held me close and tore away
All the empty thoughts when I threw myself away...
I can't seem to be the one to do that for you tonight.
And something's wrong.
No, you aren't yourself tonight.

Silence speaks the words your mouth fail to say.
And somehow I know this feeling won't fade away...

------------------------

Just something that kind of came to me... no, it's not that great, but still it's something...

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 09:57:59 GMT

So.. I'm sick again. Threw up 3xs this morning and I feel really icky..
4th day of school and I'm alread\y missing class.
Went to the Michael W. Smith concert last night, it was good, although slightly disappointing. Dispite that, I've decided what I need to do.. what is that? Start forcing myself to do what I've been holding off for so long. Giving myself up. [again]
I had 2 and 1/2 hours of homework yesterday, I can't wait to hear what I have to work on today and tomorrow >.< ugh... I hate this.

And I have this feeling today which I keep pushing it out of my mind. I'm going to write about it and then forget about it. Because last time I stayed home it was Tuesday February 7th and uh.... that day Cory broke up with me. Now, I've been feeling insecure but I'm moving past it namely:: because it's destroying me.

He loves me right?
Surely, he wouldn't hurt me...

[Face down in the dirt she said, This doesn't hurt, she said.
I've finally had enough...]

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 10:09:01 GMT

So... about last night.
The doubt is gone, any little part of me that wanted to say something insecure... is gone. No matter what happens, no matter what is said, you always come back to me. With your arms around me I know, that this is where I'm supposed to be.
And the music was awesome! The harmonica thing with Pelusha and complete screamo with The Bessemer Process. Idk... I needed it. And the last band, Wake the Day, played a few songs I think I really needed to hear. Then, Marshall (my true love) got up on stage acting all crazy and I ended up getting a drumstick from the drummer.. haha signed. I'm special, what else can I say... =)

School has started and it's more stressful then enjoyable but I'm finding some happyness in it... slowly, I'm making friends. Which was kind of what bothered me about starting over... because well, I've always been a loner. But it's nice, meeting new people.

Last night mom asked me if the one reason I went to OCC was because that all my friends went there, and I told her no. I told her that the reason that I go is that at the end of the week, when nothing else makes sense and it seems like I'm drained from school and everything else, it's the one place I can come to that makes sense. That feels right. That feels safe, and makes me feel secure. It's just right... And then I started thinking, and I realized. Alot of the reasons that I go to church are because of my friends there. But if it wasn't for those friends, I wouldn't care so much about my walk. They keep me motivated... so to speak. And they keep me going.

And again about last night....
I proved a few things to myself. That I'm not the same person I was summer going into 8th grade. I mean yeah, it's 2 years after that but still... I messed up at one of the concerts there and did a few things I regret. Which got me into a lot of trouble which my mom still to this day has no idea about. But everyone was there last night. I knew like everyone! Either from school or my old church, or where I go now. And to go and enjoy myself, I guess replaced that memory of regret with something new. Something better.

And the next time I doubt my love for you, I'll reconsider it. Because you still want me... and that was what I guess I was afraid of, that you wouldn't. Once again, I was just thinking too much... yay for the end of that round of overanalyzing...

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 15:42:48 GMT

I'm exhausted.
The first day of school has completely sucked not to mention how the teacher through a notebook in my face. I won't judge completely, the first day is always crazy but still. No classes with anyone really... and beyond boring classes. Jasper doesn't seem like too bad of a choir director but... the theme this year is Gospel music... of all things. Come on! Yeah, let's just go back to the religous stuff... rawr.. My geometry teacher is pregnate so she'll only be here half the year, which could suck if this isn't stuff I'll pick up easily. Trying to hope for the best.

New layout, kind of exciting.
My sister convinced me it was finally time for a change.. honestly, I didn't care. But I like what I have now, it's happydayish.. kinda.

5 Months yesterday.
Cory and I, ^.^ I'm really happy with him. Things are going well, and it's probably the one part in my life that I can't complain with. He gives me so much strength, before he even realizes is doing anything at all. He's amazing, more amazing then he gives himself credit for at least... I just hope he can learn to love himself the way I love him...

I got an email from one of the admin councilors at Asbury College wanting to help me out with the process of joining. I made sure that they knew that I was only a sophmore but still nontheless interested and really wanting this. I just know I need to keep my options open, still need to look into other places because well, you never know what you could find. Still, it's one of the few things I'm excited about. And happy about...

[i believe in you, i can show you that
i can see right through all your empty lies
i won't last long, in this world so wrong.
say goodbye, as we dance with the devil tonight
don't you dare look at him in the eye
as we dance with the devil tonight...]

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 12:48:25 GMT

So.. it's been a while. I know I go through spasums of writing then abandoning you for forever. Sorry, but my life isn't too interesting so yeah.. I doubt any of you guys seem to care too much ^.^

But overall. Life is happy. Next Wednesday makes 5 months for Cory and I, and I'm telling you, the guy is amazing. There are major differences with dating your best friend Cory and dating some guy you just met Cory. Yupyup ^.^ I love him oodles. lol

AH summers like OVER.
Sucks big chickens too.. seriously, I'm not just speaking for myself when I say that this summer has been terrible. Though I'm still not ready for school to start. I don't want it too, I guess it's the part of me thats antisocial... still... I'm a sophmore this year. A SOPHMORE. I mean seriously! It seems like just yesterday I was in 5th grade.. No fair. And to think I'm not enjoying this.. I know only I can change it but where to start you know? We get our schedules tomorrow and I'm praying that it's the same as the way I set it up the end of last year.

[Call me convinced
Say theres a way to cure this loneless tonight
With common sense...
I'll sleep under the stars with you tonight
I'd rather be alone then ever be without you...]

Burning Admiration.

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 00:32:11 GMT

It's a mistake.
This prolonging thought of mine.
But you wouldn't get it. (No, you wouldn't get it.)
And time goes by slipping through our little fingers.
I've always been tangled up in you.
And you never got it. (You never got it, no.)

Little light shines through this taped up window.
And the past threatens to rip our hearts out again.
And yet we still hold on. (We don't let go.)
Plastered boards lie under us.
With every word we say, we fall deeper.
And I still hold on (I don't want to let go of you.)

You always were the best of me.
Even when the worse was all that shined through.
And if life is knowing what you have to lose and risking it anyway.
I did something right to get you.

As the day fades into night.
It whispers tales of end.
A reminder of me without you. (So incomplete am I without you)
Lastly the clouds break out and rain falls down.
Shedding tears from the sky again.
A reminder of who I am without you. (So incomplete am I without you)

And I won't be without you again.