Decisions

I had dinner with the family (gparents & parents) tonight and it was nice to be around them. The warmth and love we all share. At dinner we were discussing all the wonderful embarassing funny stories. Some from when I was a teenager, dropping my cell phone in the toilet, dumping rice into the sink (thinking it had a garbage disposal), or saying "I know how to get there if i drive." Brings back memories of my childhood, all the family gatherings, all the family moments will forever be sketched in my brain.

After dinner and some family bonding time watching "baby borrowers", I said my goodbyes to the grandparents and as i was packing my belongings into the car, this rush of emotions comes out. As I drive away I see my mom in the doorway waving goodbye. I start balling my eyes out, the thought of leaving my family behind in thirty (30) days hit home, and hard. I was crying for 15 minutes as I was driving back to my apartment and finally got control over my emotions.

The question crossed my mind "Am I doing the right thing by moving across the country?", "Am I strong enough to handle really being alone?", "Am I going to succeed by taking this huge risk?", and "How much will i sacrifice to achieve my goals?"

I couldn't answer these questions and I am sure they'll haunt me into my dreams...

Will I have the answers I am looking for before the departure comes? T minus 29 days....

schedule

My schedule for the next six (6) weeks.

6/25 -Beautiful Day off. Cleaned the apartment alittle then headed home to CT for a bbq with the family. It was nice, wasn't really expecting to see my aunt and uncle there but it was nice to be with the whole family. Haven't done a family function in awhile.

6/26 - Went to work at the crack of dawn. Worked at the bank then at the Sub. roughly a 13 hour day for me. Totally exhausted.

6/27 - Another 13 hour work day.

6/28 - Work in the AM then boston!

6/29 - Vanna's Baby shower.

6/30 - 13 hour work day.

7/1 - Work then dinner with some friends.

7/2 - work then dinner with the fam.

7/3 - 13 hour work day.

7/4 - work. boooo

7/5 - 13 hour work day.

7/6 - Day of relaxation.

7/7 - 7/12 = 13 hour work days.

7/13 day of relaxation before returning to a normal schedule....ahhhhhh

7/17 - SKOTTie comes to visit.

7/19 - 7/20 party party party!

7/21 - 7/31 Work & packing.

August 2, 2008 = ROAD TRIP!!!

Emotional

As the countdown continues to my departure for the west coast, my emotions have been like a rollercoaster. While I am by myself in my apartment, all this emotion comes from no where. I would consider myself a very emotional stable type of person but as of lately, all the thoughts of leaving what I have known for almost a decade haunts me at night.

As I drive to work in the morning, I look around and think to myself, i have so many days left to take in my surrounding. Granted my surrounding isnt the best view but it's what I have been accustomed to for the past few years. I am leaving quite alot when I move. Taking a HUGE leap of faith that I can recreate what I have now in so.cal. The hardest part is leaving the family, for the past few weeks I have made it a custom to go home atleast once a week to spend time with the family. The hardest people I will have to say goodbye to will be my parents. I wont have those late night conversations with them at the house anymore. I wont have the face to face interactions.

I know that this move is my decision but the biggest hurdle is yet to come. Not sure if I can do it but I know once the day comes, there is no looking back...

Dream

The other night I dreamt that someone was trying to shoot me. I was in a college dormitory and the gunmen was was gunning down everyone in sight. I hid underneath my bed with stuff piled on top to cover myself. I was safe. The dream then flashes to a school dance, its starting to die down and everyone is outside getting ready to leave. Then there are two kids in the street one somehow gets tied up in a rope while the other one is shooting at him. The gunmen then starts shooting at the crowd, I realize that I forgot my cell phone inside so i run indoors to find it and as im entering the building, its turns into some maze. Im running through the maze trying to get to my cell phone and away from the gunmen but i can sense the gunmen is coming after me.

I then wake up in a panick, turning on all the lights in my apt. I look underneath my bed, in the closet, in the shower, made sure all my doors and windows were locked. Took the biggest knife I could possible find and placed it next to me as I tried to fall back asleep. I couldn't fall back asleep bc I had an anxiety attack and just laid awake until my nerves calmed down.

Normally I would brush off dreams like this but it really had me on edge. My friends said that it might be due to the fact that I'll be leaving in 6 weeks. All my anxiety and stressing about moving is starting to affect me unconsciously. I thought about it and thought maybe they are right but...I still can't help but be alittle paranoid that someone is trying to kill me.

Maybe thats why I call my friend Marissa everyday to check in with her so she knows I'm alive. If i dont she'll call me to make sure i'm alive.

I hardly ever remember my dreams but this one will forever stay in my mind...

Father's Day

I never had a close relationship with my biological father but out of respect every year I send him a Father's Day Card. With every year passing, its harder and harder to find cards that really express the abnormal relationship I have with him. I try to find a card that isnt so mushy and that doesnt say something about a regular father son relationship since we never really had one. I always felt if I sent a card that expressed the sort of father and son relationship I always hoped for, it was sort of lying to myself and hoping for something that wouldn't develop.

With my stepfather, every year I come across a card that usually expresses the gratitude I have for his guidance and support. I don't have that father son relationship with him either but I do appreciate everything he has done for me and my mother. He's done quite alot for the family and I honestly dont know how I'll repay him.

As another Father's Day passes, i look back at all the experiences i have had with all the male figures in my life and appreciate and admirer all the wonderful things they have done for me. Without their contributions to my life, I wouldn't be here today.

I salute you!