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| i felt something today, but, i don't know what i felt like.
basically, i essentially at around...oh 2-3pm today sat there and realized i was becoming emotional, but it was a mixture of a bunch of feelings, sadness, happiness, confusion, i just felt the twinge tugging at my heart, but i couldn't decide whether i wanted to smile, cry, laugh, cuz i felt like doing all of that but decided on none of them. Just so much i've been thinking about.
Thinking about my past, which i had promised not to worry about this summer and for the most part have succeeded in doing so, and when i thought, all of a sudden the regret of it all rushed on me anew. I remembered the regret of my past relationships, the regret of my semester, the regret of how i handled some things, lots and lots of regrets. But there were also happy times, fond memories, days i relished the joy of living. Truth be told, i enjoy my life and life in general. I find so much happiness out of the smallest things, and searching for it is so much fun. I try to enjoy as much of everything that i can. And trying to be such a happy person takes a bit of effort.
but there's so much i miss. i miss the feeling of loving and being loved in return, sometimes the yearn to be held becomes so great i have to literally sit and reassure myself. i miss the things that i gave up on, i mis the people i've even only met once.
i find it quite interesting to ask people what they think of me. despite my misgivings, and my tendency to not speak, i happen to apparently be a very social person, who can make friends easily and draw people towards themselves, i apparently have that sort of personality. it makes me think once again of my childhood, where apparently i used to be the same, this happy little kid who everyone liked and was friends with, i was that popular kid that knew everyone. What happened to that little boy, the kid who could do anything, the little kid without a care in the world. he's still around, just older, more reserved, that kid learned fear. i'm reassured that little kid exists when i ask people what they think about me, when i hear so much about how wonderful a person i am. i'm the same old kid i once was, pure, honest, naive, trusting to a tremendous fault. i'm 19 now, but i give off an air of being much younger. i'm the kid who put others before them, who decided to watch the joy of others, rather than experience his joy. i was the kid who stayed in the background, who decided to hide from everything. i miss that kid, i wish he would come back.
i miss the kid who lights up rooms with his presence, the kid who knew so much humility, the kid who had self-worth, the kid with a heart of gold, the kid everyone loved, the kid who had dreams and a goal, the kid who wanted to be a doctor, a fighter pilot. The kid who played baseball, ran non-stop until nightfall.
aha that's what i felt today, i had a feeling of emptyness. today for the first time in a while, i doubted myself. I had the feeling that i was missing something, and i am, i'm remembering alot more now, about what i felt that moment 6 hours ago, and i remember why. i remember everything now. i realize why i watch so many dramas, it was for that feeling of happiness, the joy when everything works out in the end, the feeling i wish i had, to be that guy i envy so much in dramas. The person who starts off just like me, and ends up finding it all, the person i wish i could be.
i want it back
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| *sigh* drama marathons, in the last 3-4 days i have finished....4 dramas, and still working on 1 that might take awhile, 20 hour long episodes, i've watched 4 so far.
i have a drama review site like i said, so you can go there for the complete list of all the dramas i've written about, which is basically all the ones i remember having watched so far. note i have only written about episodic dramas, not movies like my sassy girl or the classic, while i remember those, i haven't written about those.
ah well, update, just been watching dramas for the past few days, but what's new heh. Summer's going by, and since i didn't plan on anything, i have no complaints that i haven't done waht i set out to do because i have :). i've finished building my computer, started up a lil drama review site, i'm hopefully gonna get a nice job that i can work from home doing online tutoring.
i've been thinking alot about this one particular topic, but this isn't the place to talk about that neh, you know where it'll be when i actually get around to writing it on paper sooo.....:)
not much of an update, but i have sadly had less and less motivation to really update on myself, but writing in that drama review site is definately very fun for me, and i enjoy it immensely, although it just goe sto prove how little of a life i have this summer XD
you know where to find me :), i'm almost always available heh, take care and i'll write back here whenever i am up to it again
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| aww man i barely write here anymore, it's kidna sad xD
so i will stop ignoring this place at least for the time being.
uhh, well mostly i've been working on a new site for myself, a lil drama review site so i can just write about all the dramas i've watched. i think it'll help alot, if ever i am recommending a drama to someone, or they ask for a recommendation, i can just link em to my site and i don't really have to explain as much, it's not laziness on my part because be sure i'm not scared to talk at long lengths about it, it's just taht my audience seems to not want that, and by linking they can read it at their own leisure and then any other questions may be aimed at me.
Well not much has happened yet, i'm going to take my driving test july 11th so kinda excited about that :)
i onno, yer all free to talk and ask me what's up i can't think of anything atm
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| sooo....this summer has not proven to be boring thus far
so far i've
-built a computer
-transferred my 100+GB of media over to it
-screwed up my drivers, wiped my hard drive clean of said media and reinstalled Ubuntu linux
-redownloaded said media again
-done driving school (in cars will be done after this week)
oh yeah, and the power was out yesterday, from around 4 till early this morning, cuz we got a thunderstorm, it was a short one but it was enough to knock out the power, it killed our electricity and then left, so we had to run candles through the house...gave the house a nice lil look, played monopoly
yeah, not bored thus far :)
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| well that just mellowed my mood
so that's the third time in...2 years
i know it's worse for other perople
but i don't like this, at all
i hate the crying, i hate what comes after it
but i knw i shouldn't be angry, i should be sad
too much is too much tho
i need someone >.<
and this will be one of the few time that i'll admit it
this song doesn't even sound good anymore, it's not right...so gone it goes
i can't listen to it anymore, it makes me sick
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