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| hello xanga, my name is kevin chu and i believe we met once.
-warning im not even going to think of how to write this...just whatever is on my mind...who reads this anyway?-
soooo these past 6 months ive learned some things about myself....no matter what or who comes along, im going to be a loner. no matter how many ppl im around, how many "friends" i have i always end up drifting off....this time seemed to be different....i didnt drift off, more so the other person did...*sigh*. i must admit it sucks, and deep down i know i just want to scream out, but i wont. although it wasnt me that initiated this change, ive become reclusive and to myself yet again...aiya kevin chu...
i cant wait for highschool to be over with. its time to move on and start fresh. ive lost most of my close friends to due stupid mistakes or simply just growing out of each other...dumb i know but it happens. ive found myself parted and finally cut off from SALDA which for 4 years i thought was a passion i could hold onto...lion dance is still very much alive in me, but i have no more motivation to keep going with people that care nothing about it.
i must admit, after this last birthday it hit me...im legally an adult and that stunned me to the bones....less than 4 months and i'll be off to college to shape a future im not even sure of...im scared very scared.
relationships, school, hobbies, friends, pure stress....ive literally worried myself sick.....every month since october ive been sick one to two weeks out of that month...running high fevers, puking, and just being thrown in bed....from my 215 weight back in june i've dropped to 175 with no exercise or diet what so ever....its not a bad thing in my mind...i just know its not healthy....
o well. i know this time last year i would have been totally crushed and lost...but i am proud of the one fact i have actually learned...no matter how horrible this slicing, burning intense emotional pain is....i will get over it, something better...someone else will come along. proving that my anguish is mere hormones in my messed up teenage mind...
*sigh*
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| And so we enter new chapters in our lives....lets see if this next one opens happily...
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| dang my xanga's all emo lol. this year so far has had way too many lows...but i dont care anymore. im good
i through with the past
i through with acting like somthing im not
im going back to the things way were. life is gunna be so much better this way. my attitude this year has driven too many ppl away, im going back now. just like before =]
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| people coming and going...little o'l xanga, i seem to be the only one that has left you seeing as i come back and see many ppl writing entries. lets see, not even 5 mins ago i was angry/sad/stressed/confused and other unpleasant things. (you know it seems i only come here to talk about how crappy of a day(month) has been) anyhow i was reading one or Raeanna's post and she said this "the point that i'm out of the center of the picture and relocated to
the background, then I might as well just get out of the picture." <<that right there, made the most sense out of anything that ive read in a long time and is one of the most accurate things about myself i could find. Having a close friend find a... how do you say it...."closer friend" *cough* sucks. For me im not sure if im jealous or what, but after that friend finds someone to relate to or "make them happy" everything sinks. You can just see things change in a matter of hours, less than 48 and you dont hear from that person for 3days, 4days, a week, 2weeks...but surely i cant put the blame on a single person. perhaps if i would make an effort to talk things would be different, but i lack faith in ppl as well...and i simply would rather drop out of the picture...maybe im a bad friend, again being a greedy person. Do i really need the attention? why should i want to take what makes that person happy away? i prefer to get out of the picture, perhaps the person wont notice, perhaps they will. As much as it hurts its strangely what i want, all or none, maybe i ask for too much. this however makes my friends seem disposable, which i seem to do too often.
anyway reading my subs and coming across that in Raeanna's post just struck a HUGE cord with what i was feeling tonight. i most likely took that quote in a whole other direction than where it should have gone, but thats where i needed it to go. again with me >.<
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| so...i think im bipolar...seriously, i have the strangest fits of energy and depression...i need a good ol 1000mg of fukitol
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