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| I think you are more of an inspiration to me than I am to you.
You're so driven to try new things.
I must admit that I'm quite taken by you. | | |
| So a friend of mine showed me his blog and it made me want to come back and read my old blogs again. Little did I know the changes xanga made to its website.. confusing the skittles out of me! LOL. It's nicer.. I guess. I have no idea if people still use this or if anyone will read this but it's not really a big deal.
God has been so good to me and I didn't even realize it, FULLY realize and understand it, until yesterday. A girl from the high school hit my car so it has a nice lovely dent on the side front-ish. If anyone is reading this I bet you're probably thinking, "How the heck does that show God being good to you?" Well, I think He was trying to show me to be more grateful for the things that I have and to not take them for granted. I think He was also teaching me to be thankful. I think God is pretty funny. It was my turn to share a message to our little group of girls at our youth service this past Friday night and my message was about being thankful. Talk about coincidence. NOTHING is coincidence. I feel like this incident has changed my perspective on things. I'm so thankful that no one was hurt and that EVERYONE was cool about it. My dad, the other driver's mom, the cops. Everyone. Hah, I don't care what anyone else says.. God is awesome. I feel that He is trying to take me to new heights, but I limit that because I'm afraid that I'll fail. I think that's something that has been stuck in the back of my mind for some time now. I feel like I fail constantly and even when I try to learn from my mistakes, once I think I've got the hang of something.. I fail again. I don't want to disappoint Him but I know I will because I'm human. Why did Eve have to eat that apple? Stupid serpent. But that's beside the point. Even though I know I'll fail here and there, I know that He's merciful and forgiving. Unfortunately, knowing that with my head doesn't change my fear of failing. I don't want Him to entrust something to me that I won't take care of. But then again.. He wouldn't entrust something to me that He knew I couldn't take care of.. I'm just trying to excusably justify my reasons for limiting God from doing great things in my life and through my life.
And I think God finally helped me get over the bridge I've been trying to get over for so long. A fear of falling for someone. I mean just letting myself go.. not all this "i'm attracted to you, you're attracted to me, let's try it out" crap. I mean genuine feelings. Most, if not all people, want to find someone or have someone (for the time being and hopefully in the long run) who makes them feel wonderful and that anything is possible. The reality is, relationships, especially intimate ones, are hard to maintain. In all honesty, I've lied to myself and tried to get over my hurts of my first love by trying it out with other guys: guys that I really didn't have a lot of feelings for. It was attraction, but not enough to go through with the relationship. It's crazy because I'm beginning to grow these strange feelings for someone that I don't talk to as much as I'd like to, and on top of that, doesn't live in the same state. No, I did not meet him through the internet. I met him through a friend. He's so.. wonderful and mysterious and the most respectful, most polite person I have ever met. I want to get to know him more. I wasn't attracted to him at first.. until I got to know part of him. I know I will find imperfections and trust me, I usually try to find some before anything real can happen because of my fear of getting hurt or simply because I just didn't like them enough, but everyone has their dark side. The question is whether or not I'm ready and willing to deal with them. I feel that if you truly care about someone, you'll see past those imperfections and still see them as awesome. That's what friendship is about. My friends are definitely not the most perfect people in the world and they make a lot of retarded mistakes. So do I! But I see past that, and they see past mine. And all the arguments and disagreeing only makes the relationship stronger. So be it with an intimate one. Relationships will not always make you feel HAPPY.. you have to get through the tough times before any true happiness can come about. The tough times make the best times worth 10x more. Wow, I think I'm going off on tangents.. but that's alright. It's my journal :]
Anyhow, I'm almost certain that he doesn't share the same feelings for me whatsoever, but I really don't care. Even if things went my way, him sharing my feelings and all, what makes me think he'd even want to try it seeing that we're in different states? Sure, I've been trying to transfer there for school but what if God's plan is for me to stay on this rock for the rest of my undergrad career? Then what? Sigh, boys aren't all that important and I know God will push me in the right direction of a man who'll be able to take care of me and love me for me. And hopefully.. I will return that affection. This may sound middle-school/child-ish like, but I really wish he'd talk to me first. He initiated a few times but I feel like he knows how I feel and is manipulating me, taunting me, thinking, "No, no, no.. YOU make the first move. Then I'll talk.. Come here my little pretty.." Okay, maybe not that last part. That was a little creepy, lol. But I sometimes feel like that's what he's doing.. even though I know he doesn't know a thing. I think if he ever read this and realized it was him, he'd think I was creepy and would probably avoid me. That would certainly help me lose interest. Ehh.. whatever. Whatever happens, happens.
So I have a lot of crap to do for school. I'm excited for this upcoming week to be over. I've got an oral presentation, a paper, a lab report, and a revised paper due this week. The lab and english paper aren't final, but I'd much rather perfect them now so I don't have to work as hard later and so I can go to that bon fire that the young adults are planning to have next sunday. On top of that.. I have a chemistry midterm on friday. Sigh.. not excited for that. I hope I won't have to retake the class. It's going to be difficult to have a good study session for it when I have all this other junk going on that I need to do. I probably won't get any real studying done until wednesday and a little bit on tuesday night if I end up studying with Dayna. Sigh.. okay, enough of this prolonging my homework. Back to it!
Chop chop!
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| Okay, so this past weekend was pretty fun. Homework and stressin' out over college. That's always
awesome. but besides that, i had to work saturday night, as always, but Kitty, Josh, and myself went to
Winward Mall to catch the Employee of the Month flick. It was alright, but nothin' special. It had it's
moments though. I'd probably watch it again. Work was fun as always. Good laughs, new co workers. Very
interesting ones might i add. Josh's comments were disturbing as always but it was good fun raggin on each
other. Justin, funny guy. Big moke guy, very homophobic, but very lovable. I was invited to watch Borat with
'em sunday after church but I decided to hit the beach with chomama instead. Mocks rocks. Oooh, I just
rhymed. Now ain't that somethin'? nah, not really. The best things about the beach? Free, beautiful, and fun
no matter who you're with. Dude, hannah totally saved my life today. So we had just finished dodging a
somewhat huge wave. I come up for air and I have contacts on so I leave my eye closed while i wipe the
water off my face. Bad idea. I hear a frantic "Kelley!" Sounded like Hannah. I thought she was trying to look
for me but she sounded pretty close so I didn't answer. I kept wiping my face. I hear my name another 3
times and I say, "What!" That's when I opened my eyes to find that this monster wave was about to break on
my head. I'd say it was like 6 feet. Maybe, maybe not but either way, it was a monster compared to me.
"Holy crap." I could feel my eyes bulge out of my head the minute I took a glance at the wave. Ducked
under water and curled up in a ball in fear that I might get another battlescar on my chin. haha. yeah, that first
one was sore from Kailua Beach. Everything was good and then I found out that all the colleges I've been
looking at are all private schools. Didn't know that. Looks like I've got to redo and add some public schools
to my list. A public school I've been lookin' at looks like its got some real potential so I'm probably gonna
apply there. I hope I get accepted. I hope I get a lot of scholarships. I'm gonna need it. Not like anyone's
gonna read all of this. This is more for me I guess. Somethin I can look back on the next time I stop by. Yay me. | | |
| so i was reading through old letters and i realized that we sounded REALLY stupid back then LOL. i guess that's why i saved them all.. to look back on memories i forgot about and to laugh at my friends and myself when we thought we were "cool" because we spoke "moke" haha. wow. we've changed a lot. so i noticed a lot of my letters were goodbye letters because i was SUPPOSED to move after middle school but it didn't happen. the best quote of them all:
"Our friendship is like a teddy bear stuffed with lots of memories."
- Kristen Chun
man, pretty creative for an 8th grader. haha.
ahh yes, good times. | | |
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so looking down the old blogs, it looks like i haven't updated this thing for nearly two years. that's pretty long considering i used to write everyday. my life just isn't as interesting anymore. maybe i'm just not as easily ammused. wow, i must've had really bad ADD back then because i'm ammused pretty darn easily. XD .. so i read through all of my blogs that i've put in here and it's funny watching how i grew in my writing. i went from "typin lyk dis" to typing properly like this. i guess you see yourself in a new light when you're lookin' in from the outside.
so i could say life's been pretty good. this summer's been the best of all sumemrs. all the pictures are on myspace so if you ain't got one then you can't see it.. since i blocked it off XD so i decided that i MIGHT start using this a little more often.. although i doubt anyone will read this since i haven't been on for a while .. haha. i bet half my friends have forgotten all about xanga. myspace is the new THANG now. but anyway, if anyone out there is reading this.. if you notice that i start talking about random things.. don't mind me. haha. it's just something for me to look back at 10 years from now so i can laugh at the memories.. or just laugh at my own stupidity. :] yayyyy.
so an update on life.
God rocks
Family rocks
Friends rock
School.. ehh, well it ain't as hard as i expected it to be but a little more stressful with college around the corner
and speaking of school, who knew senior year would roll around the corner this quickly? i swear i just came out of elementary school. wow. it's the last year i can officially be a child. i've come to realize.. i'm old. turning 18 in about 4 months dude. and we all know what that means. ADULTHOOD. yes, that's right. the time in life all teens hope for.. where parents no longer breathe down our backs, where we can make our own decisions and not worry about getting busted. let's bust that bubble now. no matter how old you get, parents will always be your parents. they will ALWAYS breathe down your back, well until death do us part of course. BUT, no matter what you do, you will always be their kid. you will ALWAYS be little to them and they will ALWAYS care about what you do and how you go about doing it. they will always be involved in your big time decisions. that's life for you. the older you get, the harder it gets. i wish i could stay young forever. that way i could have my parents take care of me. i wouldn't have to worry about finances and how much i need to save to pay the monthly bill. dude, i'm that excited to be old. not at all. but i'm definitely grateful for my parents. it's because of them that i'll be able to go off on my own. they've raised me and one day i'll turn around and teach the same things they've taught me to my own kids. the next generation. alright, that's goin too far off into the future. like i said, i haven't done this in a while. wow. didn't expect this to be that long. alright, better get back to the homework. adios my loverrs
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* EDIT *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
so i was deciding which picture to use as my default for this page and i stumbled across an old picture i took 2 years ago with my youngest cousin, elizabeth.
from this:
to this:
or you could check out the new default picture. crazy how people change after 2 years.
and our AIM conversation 5 minutes ago:
liz: alright i g2g to sleep ur keeping me a wake stupie
me: hahaha
me: my bad huh
me: gotta look hot for the boys
liz: hahaha
me: don't flirt too much
me: or else i'd have to call you a ho
liz: hahaha shetupp!!
me: hahaha
liz: love ya cousss!
me: backatcha
yeah, that's love. weird, she's a freshman already. she grew up pretty fast. but man, i love my cousins. hahaha. they're all so silly. :) |
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