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| | So a friend of mine showed me his blog and it made me want to come back and read my old blogs again. Little did I know the changes xanga made to its website.. confusing the skittles out of me! LOL. It's nicer.. I guess. I have no idea if people still use this or if anyone will read this but it's not really a big deal.
God has been so good to me and I didn't even realize it, FULLY realize and understand it, until yesterday. A girl from the high school hit my car so it has a nice lovely dent on the side front-ish. If anyone is reading this I bet you're probably thinking, "How the heck does that show God being good to you?" Well, I think He was trying to show me to be more grateful for the things that I have and to not take them for granted. I think He was also teaching me to be thankful. I think God is pretty funny. It was my turn to share a message to our little group of girls at our youth service this past Friday night and my message was about being thankful. Talk about coincidence. NOTHING is coincidence. I feel like this incident has changed my perspective on things. I'm so thankful that no one was hurt and that EVERYONE was cool about it. My dad, the other driver's mom, the cops. Everyone. Hah, I don't care what anyone else says.. God is awesome. I feel that He is trying to take me to new heights, but I limit that because I'm afraid that I'll fail. I think that's something that has been stuck in the back of my mind for some time now. I feel like I fail constantly and even when I try to learn from my mistakes, once I think I've got the hang of something.. I fail again. I don't want to disappoint Him but I know I will because I'm human. Why did Eve have to eat that apple? Stupid serpent. But that's beside the point. Even though I know I'll fail here and there, I know that He's merciful and forgiving. Unfortunately, knowing that with my head doesn't change my fear of failing. I don't want Him to entrust something to me that I won't take care of. But then again.. He wouldn't entrust something to me that He knew I couldn't take care of.. I'm just trying to excusably justify my reasons for limiting God from doing great things in my life and through my life.
And I think God finally helped me get over the bridge I've been trying to get over for so long. A fear of falling for someone. I mean just letting myself go.. not all this "i'm attracted to you, you're attracted to me, let's try it out" crap. I mean genuine feelings. Most, if not all people, want to find someone or have someone (for the time being and hopefully in the long run) who makes them feel wonderful and that anything is possible. The reality is, relationships, especially intimate ones, are hard to maintain. In all honesty, I've lied to myself and tried to get over my hurts of my first love by trying it out with other guys: guys that I really didn't have a lot of feelings for. It was attraction, but not enough to go through with the relationship. It's crazy because I'm beginning to grow these strange feelings for someone that I don't talk to as much as I'd like to, and on top of that, doesn't live in the same state. No, I did not meet him through the internet. I met him through a friend. He's so.. wonderful and mysterious and the most respectful, most polite person I have ever met. I want to get to know him more. I wasn't attracted to him at first.. until I got to know part of him. I know I will find imperfections and trust me, I usually try to find some before anything real can happen because of my fear of getting hurt or simply because I just didn't like them enough, but everyone has their dark side. The question is whether or not I'm ready and willing to deal with them. I feel that if you truly care about someone, you'll see past those imperfections and still see them as awesome. That's what friendship is about. My friends are definitely not the most perfect people in the world and they make a lot of retarded mistakes. So do I! But I see past that, and they see past mine. And all the arguments and disagreeing only makes the relationship stronger. So be it with an intimate one. Relationships will not always make you feel HAPPY.. you have to get through the tough times before any true happiness can come about. The tough times make the best times worth 10x more. Wow, I think I'm going off on tangents.. but that's alright. It's my journal :]
Anyhow, I'm almost certain that he doesn't share the same feelings for me whatsoever, but I really don't care. Even if things went my way, him sharing my feelings and all, what makes me think he'd even want to try it seeing that we're in different states? Sure, I've been trying to transfer there for school but what if God's plan is for me to stay on this rock for the rest of my undergrad career? Then what? Sigh, boys aren't all that important and I know God will push me in the right direction of a man who'll be able to take care of me and love me for me. And hopefully.. I will return that affection. This may sound middle-school/child-ish like, but I really wish he'd talk to me first. He initiated a few times but I feel like he knows how I feel and is manipulating me, taunting me, thinking, "No, no, no.. YOU make the first move. Then I'll talk.. Come here my little pretty.." Okay, maybe not that last part. That was a little creepy, lol. But I sometimes feel like that's what he's doing.. even though I know he doesn't know a thing. I think if he ever read this and realized it was him, he'd think I was creepy and would probably avoid me. That would certainly help me lose interest. Ehh.. whatever. Whatever happens, happens.
So I have a lot of crap to do for school. I'm excited for this upcoming week to be over. I've got an oral presentation, a paper, a lab report, and a revised paper due this week. The lab and english paper aren't final, but I'd much rather perfect them now so I don't have to work as hard later and so I can go to that bon fire that the young adults are planning to have next sunday. On top of that.. I have a chemistry midterm on friday. Sigh.. not excited for that. I hope I won't have to retake the class. It's going to be difficult to have a good study session for it when I have all this other junk going on that I need to do. I probably won't get any real studying done until wednesday and a little bit on tuesday night if I end up studying with Dayna. Sigh.. okay, enough of this prolonging my homework. Back to it!
Chop chop!
| | | Posted 4/12/2008 10:37 PM - 2 comments
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