Birthdays....EH....

24 years old...good old 24! yes i'm getting old and to be honest, i'm not that upset about it. well maybe just a tad but as i've told many people before, i'm kinda looking forward to getting old. i mean, i can't wait until i get to be 30 cuz i've heard it's like the best time in a woman's life! you get older but you get wiser and more content with yourself...it's about finding peace and accepting who you are. i think when you're in your 20's, you're just so unsatisfied with your life and that's what causes so much misery. mind you, even tho i can say all this and understand, doesn't mean i accept it. i'm so uncontent with life rite now and i guess that's why i'm looking forward to the day when i can just say "ahh...it's okay...i'm happy and content!"

so 24...it's gotta be better than 23 rite? they say that if it's the year of your zodiac, then it's gonna be a bad year for you. well since i'm technically born in the year of the dog, i guess my bad year was last year. so for all of you who are pigs, good luck!!! but it's all hogwash anyways...who believes in those things? kinda fun to look at and stuff but whatever rite??? *singers crossed*

well my birthday weekend was quite fun-filled but with a tinge of sadness. Fun filled because i got completely smashed and made an ass out of myself at Plaza on Firday night (glad i could be of entertainment to you all!). Also because i had a nice small dinner with about 7 people who are most dear to me here in vancouver (sans daph and eddy who were greatly missed!) and who have been my rock and my support during the past year. i love you guys! but also a bit sad because out of the 40-odd people who i asked to come out on friday, it was basically the same 8 people who showed up to plaza. but i guess it just confirmed that it is only those 8 people who really really matter. it's not about quantity but quality and i'm glad that i have those quality people around me. but nonetheless, i am human and i was a bit sad. but it's all good...no sob story for me.

everyone's like "oh what did you get as yoru presents?" well i only got 1 present and it was from stef!!! thank you sooooo much! you don't know how much it meant to me hun! you rock my world! i did go abck and exchange it tho...cuz i have a grey sweater already and i really really needed a new gym bag! i hope you don't mind! but like i said, 1 gift. but i did ask ppl to donate money instead. so maybe that's why. but judging from the people, i don't think that's the case. i didn't even get a gift from my parents. ron came back from the island to have dinner with me so that was nice of him to do. but my mom not only didn't get me anything (and i got her something for her bday and christmas!) but she never even said happy birthday. i think she realized it was my bday but nothing-no card, no gift, no happy birthday. to top it all off, she was an hour late for my birthday dinner. yeah...feeling loved. but no sob story for me. not like i'm surprised.

birthdays are just overrated. it's just another day. people go out every weekend to get drunk and celebrate nothingness! kinda don't see why birthdays are any different. if you want presents, go out and buy the stuff yourself! okay they're not presents then but still...i think i've done that for the past few years. no one ever gets me anything so i've realized if i want something, you gotta get it yourself. i'm beginning to really feel that it's not about doing something special for someone on that one day. if the person is special and important, you should do something for them every day. small gifts, notes, dinners...you don't have to wait for an occasion. make everyday a celebration. okay now i'm getting a bit too hokey but you all know what i mean rite? i think that's what i will resolve to do. make people feel special through out the year and not just for a specific occasion. oh and my other resolve is to stop eating so much! i eat granola like there's no tomorrow!!!! it's really really bad! need to get skinny! ugh! c'mon! i mean i wake up at 5am to go to the gym before work! gimme a break here! what else do i need to do??? GRRRR!!!

New Year, new start, new xanga entry

Wow...i haven't been on this thing in a long time...and I know why.  but it's a new year and I feel like I have a new lease on life.  So i think it's time to get back into the loop.  Xanga...i've actually missed you!  Forget about all those horrible moments in the past...disregard all those old, bitter posts you have up.  Focus on the now and just revel in the moment!

Here is what I wrote on my facebook notes...i would have written something else but well i'm lazy! hahahah!

Well it's settled then.  I'm staying in Vancouver. It was a hard hard hard decision but i made it.  I know i probably should have gone to HK but i think i deserve to stay in Vancouver for a year and just have a boring, stable year...i need it and I've paid my dues for it.
For those of you who don't know what the hell has been going on in my life for the past few months, here goes...
I was let go at my job at CC&L back in September and it was the best thing that happened to me!  I hated it there and even tho I could do the work, I hated it!  I was miserable, as can be verified by many many people.  So after that, I decided to take my GMATS and try my hand at retail.  So I've basically been working a Jacob Boutique for the past few months.  And while it was hard work, I loved it and learned so much from it.  Retail was great for me!  Plus i got to meet alot of new people and make a bunch of new friends! 
Then back in November, I went to HK with my mom and I was offered a job at my aunts company.  Basically, they created a temporary position for me because one of my uncles asked.  It was a great company but it was a bitch job.  I was gonna go back and take it but when i got back to Vancouver, I also got a job as a marketing services coordinator at Westburne Electric (BC).  What they do is they sell electrical supplies, mainly to industrial builders and what not.  They're a HUGE company and they wanted to developing a marketing department and so I was hired along with another guy who is doing their merchandising.  It was a hard decision, with many bouts of panic attacks and sleepless nights.  I was swinging back and forth so much that I thought i was losing insane!  But I finally decided to stay.  There are lots of reasons for it and either decision would have been okay for me.  I know alot of you may think i should have gone to HK but honestly, I think I can always get the same job later on since it's my aunts company.  plus i have so much autonomy with this new job because basically, the company is giving us carte blanche to do whatever we want with marketing!  It'll be a great learning experience.  I don't plan on staying forever...I mean i'm determined to go back to grad school in 18 months.  Gonna head back to Europe and then we'll see where it takes me.  I actually have a vague idea of what i want to do with my life and it's a great great feeling.
so there it is...i'm not leaving vancouver, I have a new job and a new start in life.  I always waver about my decision but it's done now.  I've actually had my first day at Westburne on Friday!  There was a luncheon at a golf course and they wanted me there to meet and greet.  Actually, was a great way to start a new job...i got a free lunch out of it!
Who knows if this was truly the right decision.  But I'll have to make the best out of it.  the good thing is now i finally feel like i have a support system here in Vancouver that I feel like i can count on.  I mean i've always had them but my vision of them was clouded last year.  oh last year...i definatly can't say i'm going to miss it.  but hopefully this year will be better.  it's already started out on the right foot an now it's just gotta continue. 
So that is what's been up in a nutshell...what about you guys? :P

don't respond

i've got issues...

sittat at work with nothing to do is not as great as it sounds. because i'm always afraid that there actually is something for me to do and i'm just forgetting and not doing it or the time just goes by soooooo slowly that you just want thear your hair out.
been kinda thinking about stuff the past few days..don't know what made me think about it but i have been thinking. pondering life's questions perhaps...bear with me for a little bit..i'm feeling quite pensive at the moment...
i think i've always known deep down that i deserve to be treated better.  maybe better is not the right word...more respect. people always say you have to respect yourself because that self respect can be seen by others and therefore, they will also respect you.  maybe i have no self respect and that is why people, in certain ways, don't respect me.  it's partly my fault because i don't respect myself enough and I let others treat me disrespectfully.  but now that i recognize it, how do i change that? "have more respect for youself" they would most likely say. but how can you give yourself respect when you dont really believe in it?  why do i just let others treat me this way?  maybe i like it? am i that much of a masochist?  i know it's wrong and in the end i'm the one who gets burned from it.  the long run objective is to gain respect but the short run objective is just to stop the horrible feeling. am i even making sense?  i guess i've just been feeling quite vulnerable lately and i just want some attention and care, in any form. 
stemming from this, i had a realization today.  i've always baked cookies and cakes for people at work.  i do it often and i like that they like it. but i know that they're becoming spoiled so i tried to stop but i couldn't.  i'm like a mom who punishes her kids and takes their toys away but then the next day takes them to toy-r-us.  so i bake for them and they enjoy it and that's all that matters.  but they have become unappreciative.  i baked for IRG on tuesday and i barely got a thank you.  but my friend baked today because it's her 6 months and you're suppose to bake for your six months. everyone was so excited and said how great her stuff was and how she's set the standard.  well what about me?  does my baking not count? is it not as meaningful simply because i bake more often? shouldn't it be more meaningful because i bake more?  now, all they will say is "well you have to top yourself for you six months" and "you have competition!"  competition? she's never baked before!  and all of a sudden she's as good or better than me? i know it's nothing and i know all the rational explainations as to why i'm overreacting to this little baking dilemma.  but i'm shallow and i'm petty and all i want is a little appreciation and respect.  i'm just trying to matter...so why is it so hard to have someone recognize that?  i'm focusing too narrowly on a little group of people who don't even matter.  yes yes...like i said, i understand why i'm being a prick.  but i just have to get this out.

there is so many things i want to change about myself and i guesss this non-confidence thing is just one of them.  *note to self: have to work on this.  but the question is: How?

oh boy...why am i like this again?

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need your advice!  Should I get an ipod video or nano????  I have a mini and i think i can keep using that for the gym but it's really shitty and has no battery life and freezes once in a blue moon.  But the video is so tempting cuz it has more storage space and it has video!!!

What should i do??? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!