babysharka's Xanga

Monday, September 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 00:26:26 GMT

\ \ \ REMEMBER TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF: GOODBYE BABYSHARKA

Cleaning up after yourself means 3 things to me:

Never passing on your own problems onto your children.
Actually cleaning your room.
Organize the important things in your life and throw out the rest.

This Babysharka Xanga has already been shutdown to make way for my Yellowtailshark Xanga. In cleaning up after myself, I will be deleting entries, keeping only things that are important to me, and throwing out the rest.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 00:38:21 GMT

\ \ \ THE NEED FOR IMMORTALITY
Terrorists of my dreams.

I had a dream last night. I was on a plane, and it was hijacked by terrorists. In fact they were religious fundamentalists with the intention of using that jet to fly into a building. I noticed my body (in reality) twitched. In my dream I was dashing to kick some terrorist ass.

In my mind (of my dream) I recalled these words of mine: “I will NOT let you make me a statistic. I will NOT let you satisfy your selfish desires to destroy lives. I will NOT let you take away my right to build a better world.”

But these were selfish reasons. I wanted to live, and I had a strong conviction to keep living. I say this because it was only a few years ago that I remember telling myself I did not fear death. But even if that was true, I think it was because I did not value my life. Now I want to live so strongly. I have too much work to do. I have to make her happy. I want to reconstruct social values. I want to start a philanthropic foundation. I want to publish magazines. Whatever it is, I want to do these things before Death consumes me. My need for immortality is to see these dreams remain alive.

Vain, but intriguing.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Sat, 20 Dec 2003 00:15:01 GMT

\ \ \ VISITING A CEMETARY FOR THE FIRST TIME

One year ago today, Tài “YodaBruin” Phan passed away at a tender age of twenty-one, by an event that would corrupt the potential goodness of his life’s impact onto others. I was in Việt Nam the day he died, so I wasn’t able to bury my last sentiments with him. Everyday we speak words that briefly live in the moment, die, and then ascend into heaven.

I met his family for the first time by chance today—a good thing too, since I forgot my umbrella, and was about to become drenched in the rain (not that that matters)—and in my broken Việtglish, tried to introduce myself. Maybe it was a comfort for his mother to know that there was one more person in this world who cares. After his grandfather graced Tài with prayers, we ended with “amen”, that single utterance that symbolized my personal commitment to God that I will take up the banner that Tài once held. Push on we must. Fulfill our dreams we will.

Whatever words I told him today is for his ears alone. May the lilies I’ve laid over him afford some comfort for him, if the deer don’t eat it first.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Sat, 13 Dec 2003 10:29:19 GMT

\ \ \ A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

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Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Wed, 10 Dec 2003 05:47:35 GMT

\ \ \ THE THIRD COUNSELOR MEETING

Just two issues to contend with. Assertiveness? That isn’t a problem really. First, I have this need to find people with the same mindset I do. Yeah, real easy! It’s this need to hear and tell stories. But it’s not really about finding people with stories. I am searching for people who share in my interest: scoping for stories. The kind of people who regard Joseph Campbell as a hero with the hero’s journey idea. And all that stuff I said about what qualities constitute a friend; it’s true, but I forgot one more quality, and that is we have the same vision, moving in the same direction. Searching for and telling stories. Maybe that’s the most important quality in a friendship.

The second issue is my inability to focus. I think I can focus extremely well when I have a passion for it. Which begs the question, just what exactly that I do that I can focus so well? My guess is that I do things that coincide with my approach to life. And one can say that it’s a kind of style you develop. Maybe the reason I procrastinate so much on my homework is because I never tried applying my style to the assignment. So I’m going to guess what my styles are:

1. Simple. Clear. Logical. Orderly. Structured. Enumerated. The kind of style I employ because when I have to reread it, I hate thinking twice. This is my efficient quality.

2. Chaotic. Emotional. Incoherent. Correctible. The kind of style I use because I hate planning. I figured everything can be done at some point in time, so why make schedules? I view life as a string rather than sand through an hourglass. Dishes can be washed later, because they’ll eventually be washed. This is my procrastinatory quality.

3. Ever seen a painting within a painting? Or read anecdotes within a story? It’s infinite recursion. It’s my need for perfection, vững tiến, constant progression. Behind every decision is a reason, and behind every reason is another reason. I keep going up the ladder until I find the ultimate reason (or I choose the ultimate reason when I give up). This is my perfectionist quality.

4. I sometimes write two stories on the same page next to each other. They tell the same event, but from two different minds and perspectives. It’s usually arranged in two columns, the left column recalling his perspectives, and the right column recalling her perspective. It’s your ability to place yourself in the other person’s shoes. It’s your ability to see differently for the same thing. It’s my interpretative quality.

5. And I have this need to be unique. If we all did the same thing, we wouldn’t learn anything new. Maybe I am at the edge of evolution, where natural forces don’t necessarily play a role in the mutation of a certain species, but instead where people, the human species, choose a mutation for themselves. We’re probably the only animal that is modifying its own genetics and behavior by its own choice. This is my nonconformist quality.

Welp, I guess I’m a procrastinator by nature. Can’t really change that! And now to find stories to post!

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Wed, 26 Nov 2003 01:49:57 GMT

\ \ \ SECOND COUNSELOR MEETING

Since your other counselor is on vacation, I'll be filling in for the next two weeks, is that okay?

Sure.

So I know I talked to you a few weeks ago, and you wanted to come in regarding your suicidal friend. How's that been going?

Oh, she's doing better, and going in a direction that doesn't concern me to want to monitor her 24/7. I still try to keep in touch with her from time to time, and I plan to give her a call before Thanksgiving just to see what's up.

Yes, I think hearing from a friend is always cherished. It shows that you care. Do you ever feel that it was your fault, her attempted suicides?

No, not really. If there is anyone to blame, I'll blame it all on the boyfriend. But yeah, I just wish she and I could connect so that she didn't have to even attempt it. The communication failure is what freaked me out and brought me here. You know that I am an INTP type. One of the things I've been working on is my ability to connect with others on an emotional level. I've been having problems with that, because there are just some things you can't reason out. And the love I supposedly show to others, for some reason always feels artificial. And so that's why I think she didn't really confide in me, because I couldn't connect with her emotionally. Sure I care, but it always seems like a rationalized compassion. "Logically, I care because she's my friend whom I've known for a long time." That doesn't quite work.

How long has she been your friend?

Probably five years. Yeah... So anyway, that's the thing I hope to figure out during this session, to answer the question, "What qualities and activities constitute a good friendship?" I didn't really think about it since last week, so I guess the best approach is to consider what made my current friends, friends. Let's see...

Well thinking about middle school and high school, there were friends that were more like associates, because they just happened to be in the same classroom everyday. And so I had someone to talk to. So the first quality of friendship is "constance". Sometimes I can find this sort of constance with Internet friends, especially when there is a certain time of day we both go online and just talk.

But the problem with that is that I still prefer human contact. In thinking about my friends at UCLA, I saw them on a frequent, if not steady, basis. And given that, we always did stuff together, like bake cookies. But I also saw their physical expressions, which is something online friendships cannot really show. I would always smile whenever they were angry. I just wanted to hug them after they vented off tons of steam. Or bake a cookie. Online friends are different; when you talk to them, you have access to different resources than if you were talking face to face. Like, if someone asked you what a pomelo is, you can go on Google and search for it, and show it. But in person, you have to use words, and maybe even take them to a market to show them what it is. It's different. So I guess the second quality is "close geographical vicinity". I have to be able to see them.

In terms of activity, I have a lot of hobbies that I share with friends, like cooking, art, intellectual conversations, poetry, painting, photography, and so on and so forth. So I'm artsy. But hey, I've also been known to enjoy computer programming as a hobby. It's one of the advantages of having a balanced-brain. Both right-brained and left-brained.

Another is that the friend has to be educated. The basis for that is that I hate talking about surface issues, like why is J.Lo and Ben getting together. What I am interested in talking about is why people are interested in that sort of thing. So I am a very cerebral kind of person. But there are times when even I need a timeout from cerebral talk and just focus on something simple, like a crying friend, as opposed to human suffering. When a friend is sad, she or he becomes the center of my attention.

So you do connect emotionally. So what makes this particular girl who committed suicide your friend? What do you like about her?

Hmm. Very good question. I know I've thought about this before, but it seems I can't remember what I thought about. To me she strikes me as... err, there's a term in Korean, "yupki" that doesn't really have a translation in English. It means something along the lines of weird but unique. Sometimes she may seem like an angel, but other times she's cruel and cold-hearted. She can sound very intelligent, and at other times very dorky. I think unpredictable is the word. I'm drawn to that. My thinking personality constantly tries to find answers to questions, and here is someone I can't figure out.

How does she feel about you?

I don't know, I never asked. I would guess she considers me dependable. During her crisis period, she didn't have too many people to turn to. But I was there. Yeah, I'm always there for someone when they need it. I go out of the way to make sure they are happy. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough, but I try. But at times I think no one really cares for me. You know, when they are sad I am there.

But when you are sad, do you have someone to turn to?

Besides my mom? I don't know. It's kind of a thin line between complaining and a plea for help. When I need help, sometimes I turn to my friend, but since she needs help, I can't really ask her for help! And I have other people I talk to, but they are judgmental and tell me how to behave. And I don't like that, even though I know they're right. It just insults my intelligence.

Why does it insult you?

You know when you put a lot of effort into something, and then for someone else to disregard it at a mere whim, that's just infuriating. I do a lot of thinking too! And to tell me your advice makes it seem like what I've been thinking about for years is negligible. It's like not addressing someone who earned a Ph.D. with the title "Dr." You basically say that their ten years of work is something flushable down the toilet. In my life, I've been feeling like that too, whenever I try to invite friends to an event, and for them to just ditch me, it just makes me sad. And angry. Homework? Well I have homework too! I went out of my way to set something up, and I expect them to do the same, or at least acknowledge my efforts. I guess that's the thing, "expectations".

Yes, I think it's important for you to find someone who is willing to sacrifice a bit of their time since you apparently did the same.

Yeah. Well part of the problem is also that they might not know that I put a lot of effort into it. I probably should try to be more assertive about that.

Hmm, yes, that is something we can work on in the next session, on how to be assertive.

Sounds good to me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Wed, 19 Nov 2003 07:13:03 GMT

\ \ \ FIRST COUNSELOR MEETING

Make a list of goals so that we can discuss what you want to do.

I made so many goals. But I knew that there was a primordial goal, all else being subordinate to that one particular goal. Let us tentatively say it is to end the suffering of humanity.

Why?

I have this belief that started with the question, what will happen to the human species billions of years from now? Will we survive? There were two ways to answer that. First, we can just accept our fate and eventually die. Or, we can work together and try to figure out how to control the universe. I chose the latter, but I know we can't be sitting on our butt praying for some miracle. We have to actively pursue knowledge to hold the power of God for the very survival of our species. We're doing this for our children's sake. I'm doing this for myself, i.e. for my belief in the human species.

What are you doing to see that goal into fruition?

I chose to become an activist. Currently I am starting up a grassroots movement within the Vietnamese student population here in the San Francisco Bay Area. We're facing many logistical problems, including the problem of agreeing on a fundamental purpose and vision. My dream is to bring solidarity to the Vietnamese youth, especially since it has been done in southern California. It's only a matter of copying southern California can we bring it up to northern California.

How does being an activist and bringing solidarity achieve your higher goal?

Working together, that's what we must do. It's simple. I just happened to choose the Vietnamese student population because that is who I am. I am a Vietnamese-American, and I am a student. I can identify more easily with people who are like me, so it seems it was a choice out of convenience. But building an organization is never easy. I can go on and on about the plans and the logistics, but that's an organizational thing, and I'm here to talk about myself.

Why aren't you volunteering in, say, soup kitchens?

I did. But I have a vision. I can't just stand around doing good if I know there could be something better. I know that while we in the Vietnamese student organization could just start doing projects right away, I can't do it alone. I need help, and the first thing I need to do is to teach others my vision, and identify the problem. I need a group. I need a team. I need followers, or disciples.

And that's what you're doing. So why graphic design?

I love teaching others. No, it's more like communicating with others. But eventually I'll be teaching them something. Visual communication is an often neglected field in the Vietnamese media. I just have a passion for doing it. I don't even need coffee to keep me awake. I just do it, because somehow I'm clarifying exponentially complex ideas into something legible and comprehensible. Keeping it simple. End suffering. Simple.

What is your definition of suffering?

When people face impossible obstacles in getting what they want. Why do we have the agricultural capability to feed everyone on this planet, and yet there are still children starving? It's something we have to fix. Well, let me see, what's another example. Why is it so hard for people to find a relationship that works? I have to bring it up, "What do you want in that relationship?" Part of the easing of suffering is knowing how. And that's what I think it is, many times people don't really know how to deal with certain situations. How can we teach it to others? And that happens to be my passion. Teaching others. Well, if I can find people who want to listen.

It seems the road block, and which is why you're here, is meeting new people. Do you know about the Meyer-Briggs personality test?

Yes, in fact I do, I am an INTP, with dominance on N. Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving. I do have trouble opening up to new people. I think in the new organization I'm working with, I was only expecting to be professional, almost impersonal, to the entire group. And that is until I met the president. She was very open, and friendly, and already started calling me terms of endearment. We haven't even known each other that long yet! I think that she has drawn me out of my shell. Otherwise I tend to be very formal to people I don't know or never met before.

Have you thought about looking at the Tech Museum? Well, never mind that.

You mean exploring and finding people outside of the Vietnamese community? Oh, yes, I do. As Professor Robert Putnam's idea of "social capital" puts it, to increase the welfare of the community, I have to make relationships with people who are not like me. And in a general way I have, by attending a few meetings of the Silicon Valley De-bug. They are a magazine group dedicated to activism and grassroots movements. I would say they fascinate me, and they have been the subject of some of my film ideas. Oh yeah, so I have a film club, but my officers have all been incapciated. So I couldn't really continue. That's why I joined the Vietnamese student organization. But yeah, I try to keep an open mind about meeting people who are like me, and who are not like me, if you know what I mean. But I still want my film club to be successful. And the Vietnamese organization. Choices! Choices! But either way, I still need good people to work with.

So it seems what you're looking for are friends or companions that are agreeable to what you believe. Since we're out of time, between now and the next session, think about the qualities and activities that would make a good friendship.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Tue, 14 Oct 2003 08:43:22 GMT

"A New Genesis"

[Quote of the Day]

"Anger is like a photo darkroom that produces a lot of negatives."

[Rebirth of Belief]

Each day I straddle the uncertainty of my faith: believing in God, and following the standard practices of worshipping God in religion. And then, I stopped worshipping God, and my life hasn't changed. Then, I stopped believing in God, and not much has changed. Will a tragedy renew my faith, as in the case of 9/11? Think about the questions people were asking: Why? Why did this happen? And with God, you pretend to accept the truth as part of some divine plan, but you really don't forgive God anyway. I don't really need to believe in God. I think that's beside the point.

[Another Question with No Answers]

I am unsatisfied with current answers to divine questions, and felt that a new belief was necessary (for myself at least). It is not a matter of Heaven and Hell, or the wheel of suffering and the nirvana that brings you at peace. It is not the stringent teachings of a prophet to be passed on precisely and perfectly. It is not aliens who will salvage our souls. Instead, I look into the billions of years of human destiny, our future, and we are forced to ask ourselves this: what will happen when the universe dies? And it will die, whether by some enormous crunch, or an eventual expansion that will thin out matter until stars are no longer born.

And we turn our heads, unconcerned with events that we'll never live to see anyway, but I contend that we always work in the present to pursue a goal of the future. Maybe it's a life goal, like getting married, or attaining a dream career. What about the goal of humankind? To live. To love. To be loved. In thinking about living forever, is it possible? This is something science cannot answer, and for that reason, the only thing left to hold onto is faith.

[Faith That We Will Live Forever]

God will save us. That is the only way. That is our only faith. However, prayer will not save us. Sitting on our butts will not save us. God will save us, because it is humankind who must become God. We must learn to possess the power to control the universe, as we have learned to control the soil to grow our food. Prayer, nirvana, recitals: these are things that will help us accept our fate of complete annihilation. It keeps us docile. We are the children of God, our Creator. He made us in His image. But if we become God, we would do the same and create children in our image too wouldn't we?

This is the premise of my belief: God created us because we are His children. The idea of children is to perpetuate life. So one wonders if God anticipated His death and created a well-designed universe with the seeds for humanity, so that we may live. Do we accept the fate of death? Or should we become God and design a universe to raise our children when we anticipate our death?

So we don't really live forever as humans, but our species known as "life" can live forever. My "nirvana" is the point where we understand the universe in its entirety, and we become at peace, because the suffering we have lived with for so long was not knowing how to perpetuate life. That is why all life is suffering: life anticipates its complete annihilation, and does not know how to perpetuate itself. Our peace comes from knowing exactly how to perpetuate life.

[The Actions Now]

In this belief, I work tirelessly. If everyone believes this, they understand that we must try to be the best that we can be, for you should expect nothing less if you want to become closer to being God. And I don't mean power-hungry, oppressive dictatorships. Being the best means being able to figure out how to perpetuate life. This requires a unity among the people of the entire species. Maybe to make it simple and summarize this belief to a single point:

We're doing our best, for our Children.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Sun, 14 Sep 2003 02:34:37 GMT

"Learning to Shut Up"

[Utility Man]

Although I don't mean to genderize, but I think men have to feel useful to their significant other, not only in fixing the house, mowing the lawn, and lighting the bonfire, but in his quest for emotional sensitivity, he tries to support her by guiding her. Often times this comes in the form of advice. It often begins with the phrase, "You should..."

Over the weeks, he feels alienated from her, as she grow wearisome of his "support." Why is this?

[Are We Equal?]

After watching Dr. Phil, two episodes of 7th Heaven, and looking at my relationship with my friends, (and perhaps even you, the reader), I concluded (or learned) that people need to feel independent. Whether it's one of the parties in a relationship, or a child, or a co-worker in a project, independence is a highly valued human right (although in some circumstances people may say it's a privilege, but in this society, it's all about independence).

Whenever the advisor of the couple persistently "helps" the other by basically telling her/him what she/he should do, of course the advisee will feel like a child in the relationship. No adult wants to be treated like a child (and yes, some of us also need to realize that children are no longer children anymore).

[The Compromise: No Assumptions]

My cousin told me that I should give people space. I didn't understand that for awhile until I watched Dr. Phil and heard his explanation (sometimes I don't understand lay men idioms), and then finally saw it applied when I watched 7th Heaven. What she really meant was: I need to give people space and let them do things on their own without prying or helping them unless they ask. It doesn't hurt to ask them if they need help, but don't assume they need help.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Wed, 10 Sep 2003 09:05:56 GMT

"Life's Songs"

[Free Falling]

I put up a new song called "Dearly Beloved" by Yoko Shimomura (featured in a game called "Kingdom Hearts") because I interpreted it as a reflection of the feeling I had at that moment.

You know those moments when you're waiting anxiously for something to happen, and time seems to slip into infinity? It's kind of like falling through the sky: at first you feel really nervous, but after awhile, it's just you and the sky, and later on you both disappear into nothing, or you both become one.

Hard to understand doesn't it? I guess to put it into perspective, there are many things in my mind that's bothering me. But then, only two really causes me anxiety.

[Waiting For A New Life]

Tomorrow I find out whether or not I can afford my education at the Art Institute at San Francisco. I really understood that I needed a small school to study in. I understood the necessity to know everyone at such a school. Granted that at a public school, each quarter you have four classes, all of which have different people. Rare do you find someone that has two of the same classes you do. And then the next quarter, it's almost all fresh faces again. It's really difficult for me to study in groups in that kind of condition. I think that by studying at a small school, I would really know other students, their lifestyles, and field of study, especially at a school that's only 500 students large.

[Mental Delineation]

The second cause of my anxiety is my friend Clover. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. But the emotions I feel about her are supremely complicated. Here I try to break them down.

ADMIRATION
She's following the life that I have been afraid to follow: independence, taking out huge loans, and hell, following her dreams.

HUMILITY
Everyone says I'm smart, but I've taken strides to admit to myself that I must've forgotten how to live in this world. And all the wisdom I impart to others become superseded by the practical sense notions that my friends, including Clover, tell me. I'm a klutz!

SYMPATHY
We're both voyagers bound for a new world. We've both left the old world behind, and will struggle in the time to come. For me, no more computer science!

AFFECTION
I've liked Clover since I first knew her five years ago from summer tennis practice with our common friends. But what you consider infatuations are usually short-lasting feelings. This has lasted longer; this is what you call affection (it's not quite as intense as love).

COMPASSION
Her struggles resonate within me with a need to reduce the suffering of others. It's not her alone, but my general sense of compassion for all.

INTUITIVE FEAR
I fear relationships for some reason. I don't know why. I consider this sort of fear intuitive, because I don't see myself in a committed relationship with Clover, and yet I subconsciously know that that is a possibility. AiYaah66 frowns upon people who are scared of relationships. She doesn't understand it. Well, I don't understand relationships!

JUVENILITY
I still feel like a little kid teasing other kids. My ego is actively suppressing this id part of my self. When I was driving Clover home from San Francisco, she fell asleep in the car. I felt I had to draw on her face (but of course driving prevented me from doing that).

CURIOUSNESS
The other thought was, instead of drawing on her face, giving her a peck on the cheek. I think every guy dreams of stealing a kiss. Well, I didn't do that. Yes, I know, I'm a loser. But I'd rather not risk complicating her life (from COMPASSION) and also because I'm afraid of the consequences (from INTUITIVE FEAR).

GLADNESS
I haven't seen her in weeks, and she didn't tell me why. Well, whatever it is, it's nice to see her again. Also, I've been locked up in my house all day, or all week, so I really miss seeing anyone.

ENVY
I think she still thinks about her ex. This derives from AFFECTION and INTUITIVE FEAR I think.

Well, I suppose there are more ways to break down this complicated feeling, but that's the best I can do for now. If anyone asks "Do you understand what you're talking about?", I do now! But if someone asks what I'm going to do about it, I don't know if I should even have a plan?