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| life is like... a tree?sometimes people like to say life is like a maze. they say that it's ok to make mistakes along the way and we'll eventually get to the end. well, it's a huge assumption that we don't get lost forever in the maze anyways, but i always thought it kinda made sense.
growing up in small confined bubbles, it is easy to feel like there is a "right" way to get to the end. that "right" way typically includes going to school, getting good grades, getting a good job, getting promoted, rising to the top, and nurturing a good family. it is like a social yardstick that people use to measure against each other and to judge themselves to see if they are successful compared to others.
when i meet people outside of my bubble, i am always surprised that there are so many different ways to live life. i used to wonder why those people would be happy to be who they are, because they don't seem to measure up to that social yardstick that is so deeply implanted into my mind.
i have a very high yardstick for myself, and it used to look exactly like that social one. in recent years i've made certain decisions and met enough people that bent the yardstick a little bit to my personal likes. but it was so subconscious that i didn't even realize it. so with all the mist and uncertainty surrounding me right now, i don't know where i stand. this uncertainty makes me feel like my hard work is not paying off. it is like a flood of emotions dragging me down into this dark unstoppable drain. i scream and cry and struggle to find a grip. is this drain a dead-end? is the flood ever going to stop?
i know that i should be measuring myself against my own yardstick, not others'. why do i have to prove myself to others? i'm proud of what i did. but, occasionally, secretly, i get tired of standing behind my own actions. i get tired of fighting against things that are out of my control. i get tired of trying to find that grip. it is not a good feeling to keep falling down that drain.
but i just realized that maybe no one else sees this drain. it's a self-inflicted anxiety, like seeing a half-empty cup of water instead of it being half full.
maybe afterall, life is not a maze. it's a tree that keeps growing out in different directions towards the sun. in the end, i don't know which branch i will be, but i'll be above where i was.
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| "if i had one wish, i wish we could meet again..."
oh fantasies...
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| maybe it has been one whole giant mistake afterall. maybe it was a bold, but wrong, decision.
but don't they say it's not about what you want , but how badly you want it?
argggh..........
(edit: no, this is not about boys lol)
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at one point when i was still naive and innocent, i believed that certain things will last forever, like my relationships with my parents and other people. but Buddhists are right in saying that things are impermanent. the world is in a constant flux and people suffer from changes because they cling on to what they have. therefore, one of the first steps in achieving enlightenment is to let go and "let it be". it means accepting the fact that nothing stays the same forever.
i used to have a really high tendency to let negative emotions dominate my mind. it still happens, but meditating really helps. whenever i get stressed out or extremely upset, i sit down, cross my legs, close my eyes and try not to think about anything for 10 minutes. it doesn't work all the time, but when it does, i regain my perspective on a lot of things. sometimes, thinking less is a lot better than thinking too much.
i was reading an article for behavioral finance (which is related to psychology), and one of the theories is that people tend to magnify the magnitude of current events or emotions, even though these things might not be a big deal in the grand scheme of life. based on this, together with experiments and field studies, it's proven that people make irrational decisions when faced with choices.
meditation is not going to help me make rational choices, but it helps me clam down a lot. that's exactly what i need right now, when i only have 60 more days in this greenhouse in charlottesville called college.
everything will be ok. 
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fairy tales never happen in real life... i should be content with what i got  
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