Dear Self,

    Hi! It's been a while. With everything in senior year being so hectic, you should take some time to just breathe and... breathe more.  People have told you in the past not to spread yourself too thin, because of being tired and not being able to dedicate yourself to something... but you seem to be happy doing everything humanly possible anyway. Since freshman year, you've been all over the place. Debate, Tennis, FBLA, AACC, SEEK, ERASE, Interact, Etcetera, Madrigals were the clubs you participated in. Band was a crazy two year time eater. Meanwhile thinking about piano lessons and scrapbooking, mixed in with friends and occasional dilemmas; life was unpredictable. Now its senior year, and its your last fall, winter, spring and summer in the town and with the people you grew up in. Although indifference is usually what you feel during the school day, perhaps you should consider how you want to leave this place. Anything to leave behind? Any last ideas, things, goals to accomplish? Commit yourself to things you find the most important, and the rest shouldnt worry you so much. It's also the last year of childhood. Weird way of looking at it. But childhood might be the last true oppurtunity to be able to grow -- or at least have the freedom to grow without the problems of adulthood.

     With that said... this is the year of change. well actually, possible change. its the year of the most growth, learning and everything positive. kinda. As a personal goal of trying to be a better person, its important to view perspectives. And its also vital to look at every angle of life. And I think that this year will be successful in terms of learning music (and music theory) and applying that to emotions and learning how to express yourself other than using your body/voice. It will be successful in terms of leadership. Everything, all the clubs and activities that you do/run/go crazy over will work out, and its not the end of the world if you screw up once in a while because everyone does that sometime. You'll learn responsiblity, independence and perhaps finally narrow down the long long list of things you are interested in. Its going to be a great year, because you are surrounded by a lot of supportive people who are always there for you, even though you sadly might not always be there for them. You really are quite lucky...

     So here we are, October of 2008 and less than a week before your last shot at the SATs. Dont screw up  After this week, there really isn't time to have fun for a while. College apps are due soon, one's due in under a month. ESSAY? RECS? FINANCIAL STUFF? huh? huh? huh? You may think you have it under control, but in reality you are probably just telling yourself that so you dont start freaking out and stressing. And when you realize it, you stress again, and then deny the truth to not stress... bad bad cycle. Start the apps, start filling out things, writing essays... and in the ending the organizing and sending out apps will be a lot easier. Have a great week!

Sincerely,
~hil

p.s. -- stressed is desserts spelled backward.

p.s.s. -- to do mock trial or not to do mock trial... that is the question.

---

Dance like no one's watching
& sing like no one's listening

These memories come rushing back to me
last year, underclassman awards ceremony
the shame, I hated being who I was
Sitting at a round table with my friends
Watching them get called up one by one
they passed S in the alphabet
and I was alone
Annoying. Painfully aware of people around me.
I got called up for something insignificant,
debating. just participation. nothing specific
I didnt go to states
or win tourney champ
or qualify for any major tournament
or get a TOC bid
Anyone who participated would get that.
I sit toying at the edges of my certificate as
they announce another round of names
Again, I'm left alone... or so it seems.
I have to act polite to all the praise I get
praise for what? debating?
I try to dodge all the carnations and medals
and block out all the "congratulations!"
Its all a painful reminder of what I could have been
why didn't I push myself harder?
Going home was an eerie silence. I'm
disappointed and mom tries to be supportive
I dont want support. I dont want anything
...except to perhaps change the past.
That feeling of... self pity... shame...
an acid-like sensation. and I get home
and slowly climb the stairs...
let the certificate and carnation and box fall
and the tears of regret just pour.

Today I got a letter from WP
inviting me to go to the underclassman awards

I tore it up. Into a good 10-15 pieces,
just as a friendly neighbor was walking in the door
to say hi.

I wave the pieces at my mom
making a comment about these memories
and how frustrating it was.

I wonder what she thinks. how she feels.
I wonder what the neighboor (who doesn't
pick up english too quickly) thought

But then again, I dont care.
I'm not going.
It's all part of the past...

... right?

Explosion. It feels like a bomb has just detonated in your brain and each individual spatter is another ugly stain which is there to remind you to do something, similar to a sticky post-it note. Various spatter sizes relate to the importance of the problem at hand. My brain right now: about 10 big splats and so many little splats I get dizzy looking at them. How do I organize myself?

Going to attempt to stop facebooking, aiming, xanga and limit my gmail time (gasp -- I know). Until I can wipe off these spatters, one by one and see a clearer picture of my goals.

I'm sorry

I've been a horrible spoiled brat recently. Not only selfish and stupid, I've probably hurt more people around me these past few weeks? months? than I meant. Combined with the pointless "I dont care" outlook at life and my complete lack of motivation or organization, I've managed to miss some really important things that I could have easily been on top of.

I've yelled at my mother numerous times since what seems like the beginning. Either I was fed up at school or with my own personal life to ever think about what she was going through, or I had the "I just want to get out of this. I hate my life" attitude. Never once did I consider all the actions and sacrifices she made and still makes for me on a daily basis. As a single parent, she has been able to deal with all her new responsibilies so well.  Even silly things you wouldnt think of such as taking care of the property, shoveling snow, making sure the cars are in good condition, but on top of that: her job and her daughter. I've realized only today that I've been so focused about my own little problems that her needs have become almost nonexistent. For example, today I went to sleep afterschool preparing to get up around 600 to get to SAT class on time. Unfortunately, I sleep through alarms and my mom didnt realize I had class. (She thought it was tomorrow, which it also is). I was in a rage because I hate being late to anything. But after waking up, I realized (1) she had to work tonight (2) after she had a hard day (3) she had cooked a meal for me out on the table (4) she was worried about me getting to school early tomorrow since i had a meeting (5) worried about who would pick me up from SAT class at 930 (6) didnt care that she was going to be 15 minutes late to work. all this while i was ranting and shouting away in frustration. On the car ride there she was silent, soaking up all my anger and frustration.

Unfortunately similar situations happen everyday. I've been a spoiled brat. Treated and given so many priviledges and 100s of second chances. I've neglected so many little things that I could to do help out such as clean my room, and the house while i'm at it. wash dishes, cook for myself, play piano, actually study. My mom spends so much money on me, and I'm just a lazy kid that goes home, sleeps and ignores it. Piano lessons, SAT class, AP Exams, whatever I want basically. I dont know if I can name someone else I know that gets all this. And I dont really know how lucky I am.

Before realizing this, I was annoyed at everything. Things weren't going my way for one reason or another. I would admonish myself for not using time well, wish I had done more with certain things, wish I had done things period. For example precollege summer program applications. I missed the ED deadline for Yale's debate program. That means that I probably won't find out if I got in or not until May. Late May. I've had so much time to do these since I was crazy about looking them up since January! I also feel bad for rushing Mr. Kleinbaum and Mrs. Lewis for recommendations and transcripts. I was going to mail out the forms on the deadline for ED but then I realized that they probably wouldn't appreciate that because it was ED "if accepted" by that deadline. I remember last year postmarking it on deadline, and being part of ED. Anyways, I didnt want to do it. It's okay. I hope I can get everything sent out by March 14th or 15th the latest.

I accept that due to whatever, I'm not a perfect person. But my personality pushes me to be that ideal Hilary. Whenever I take time to compare the Hilary in my mind and how I'm doing they always seems to be off by a noticeable amount. Maybe you're thinking, "well, dont worry. I'm sure you try your best." Point is I dont. I haven't. For some insane reason I've been able to convince myself that I dont care when I really do. No matter what it is. It could be the stupid optional extra credit project that's due monday for precalc. It could be volunteering cuz I like to help. It could piano. (gasp). I care about pretty much everything and that's just who I am.

Tuesday night's Madrigal rehearsal was disappointing to me. I felt that the choir was being way to chatty and I actually sensed the "I dont care or want to be here" attitude from some people. Some altos were just really pissing me off since I was sitting across from them. Watching them act like rehearsal was a social event didnt make my day since I was there to work. In a selfish way, I use Tuesday nights as a way to get away from whatever I'm thinking and splurge myself in the music. I often come home in the mood to compose something or play piano, which never happens otherwise. I talked to Mr. Limey Wednesday morning and he asked how I felt about rehearsal. I told him what I thought. He said I was being negative. very negative. And that morning, right after he told me that I didnt care. or so i thought. In the back of my mind I always care about what Mr. Limey says to me because he's been able to make me think about life in a different way. A random example is the Xmas concert this year where I played the right hand in a song and he played the left to accompany the Madrigal choir. I took it seriously at first, learning both hands, until the tempo became too much to handle. I think that he used that concert experience to teach me something and to open myself up to the music and feel it rather than be a metronome. He told me afterwards that he was surprised I went through with the right hand me, left hand him arrangement.

I think i've digressed from my original point of this entry. I haven't been myself lately and I'm sorry about any chances or inconsistencies I've had with you lately. Basically a "fake keith" was being slowly built up for various reasons, but I've broke down that wall today. I realize who I am, what I want and I have a better idea of how to approach it.

Thanks for listening.

<3 hil.

p.s. -- haircut soon.

it seems like yesterday
you were just here
listenin' to the music that I played...
hundreds of days and night without you