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barbbbb
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Name: Isn't that obvious?
Birthday: 2/12/1988
Interests: I like lemon in my water, laughs in my ears, intelligence in my presence, passion tazo tea in my mug, and love in my soul.
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/27/2007
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| A little patched up, in a big way.Do you ever wonder what my heart feels like? It was always so full, even when it was empty. Everything moved me, even the strangest of things that one may find difficult to understand from my prospective. I was "only" a child and the grass bewildered me for hours, as did the ant holes scattered about. My mother treated me terribly despite how others may openly view it (I see no excuse for her behavior) and my father loved me to pieces, but as you know, things got a little strange, and scary. But throughout it all, my inexperienced mind knew I would be ok, and made good of it all. As I became more experienced in the part of life that hurts, almost all parts of it as I began to learn, I started to feel less of the earth and my mind and more of insanity and darkness. My heart broke with every little crash, yell, smash, push, pull, word, drug, drink, and reminded me in the back of my mind that I was not myself. My journals spoke words of deep frightening pain, my drawings spoke to the eyes of confusion and through abstract acrylic messes, one in the wrong state of mind as I would have found an eternity of suffering beyond the thickness of the canvas on which it resided. I felt dirty inside and out, as I was, even through my shining beauty that most intellectuals and equally broken people saw. They would tell me, sure you are a little broken, but you are stronger than most, you amaze me. I would sit there and think, I can be better, this is stupid, do not encourage my ways. I always wanted to be better - than who I was, than what was around me. I got lost. I am not where I expected to be. I am not where anyone told me I would be. And slowly, after one day, I started to feel again. I would laugh, and not because I was being funny in a group of people and they enjoyed my wit, sarcasm, and randomness.. but because someone else made me laugh, not because they were clueless, uneducated, or closeminded. I was amazed day after day by what you could bring into my life through a telephone. I never knew what lonely was, you always said you were and that I was an angelic filler of sorts, maybe I was lonely too, I don't know. But I finally had someone in my day that I enjoyed in all depths and moods and subjects. This was almost two years ago, I think. I know, I always forget everything. (I think it's because I always used to remember everything and I don't want to be like that anymore because it just makes you look crazy and makes you sad in the end) I bought a new book yesterday, and I've been putting my library card to use again. I've been working out like crazy, and sure I am not satisfied just yet, but I feel fresh inside again which I have not felt in years. I love the sweat dripping down my face, telling me I'm finally getting better, I can finally feel things again and do things with my body that are good. I started making tea again, and waking up for mornings. You're so far away, because I'm moving back and forth, but you still make my heart better everyday, you have no idea. The crazy part of me wants to say "you did this! don't thank anyone else! this was you, no one else can make you do things!" but, I know it's you too. Nothing else has changed in my life, nothing else has stayed. If only you knew how much I used to hurt, if only you knew the difference. But, I wouldn't really want you to, I don't ever want you to feel that.
Thank you. | | |
| These may or may not appeal to you.I'm in pain all over and I've been ODing on infection killing meds of all kind and writing really BAD short "poems" to let go of my head. It's more of a fast tap tap tap ::sigh:: (of relief) than an "I am going to sit here and make a really good poem". So if it is all bad, as I see it, then so be it.
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I hate the way
that I have the heart
to love everybody
I hate everybody
but I really
love them all
I love the way
that I can relate
to them
Maybe I can save the world.
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"You wrote that all on paper?" I asked
"Yes," he replied.
He writes it all on paper,
I cannot believe he is able to put his
powerful words onto paper.
He said it must be because
he's really old
He's twenty five and he's better than
any child I've ever lost myself in
and wanted to be, again.
I try to tell him he's not old
but he doesn't believe me.
I guess the truth is that we're old souls
but there is such a differance.
I want to tell him:
"If you are tired,
you can lean your shoulder on me
and I will break every pencil in the world
for you."
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When he talks about her, I
stay strong which I couldn't do the first time
The first time, I lost it
and that's why I lost the love
I didn't want to become a drug addict anyways.
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He told me to sit in the corner and eat my grilled cheese, so I did because he loved me
I ate a lot of grilled cheese and even though
I was scared, I knew that I was safe
I don't like grilled cheese anymore
It's a lot of calories
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Sometimes I get really wet
when I think about the worst things
I try to forget them but whatever church or
bible verse told me that sin can be washed away was a fucking liar
I'm never going to forget, you fucking fraud
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I go in the chat rooms because I know
those fantasies are never going to come true
because I'm too prude, and because I've already lost the perky young part of me
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I want to scold my mother for ruining my life
because it ruined my body
but I guess in the end it's all my fault
Why couldn't I at least not pick at my face
every fucking night, why couldn't I at least
keep that good looking?
Now I'm fucked.
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I'm ugly everywhere
Men will only cum on me to degrade me,
men like that.
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Now that I have an ear infection
and a stuffed nose and a sore throat
my real voice is coming out to play
I want it to go away or at least
can I sound sick, but with the cute voice still around
because then I would still be cute
but if the real voice comes out to play,
I'm just going to be me again
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"Is that your real voice, that can't be your real voice"
I don't remember where we were because I didn't give a fuck, I just remember being in the car
I convinced him yes though his psychological skills may have told him otherwise in his subconscious
He continued wanting me, and I continued laughing in my head all the way throughout the night
You'll never get me.
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I don't care that you're going bald
You're the only person I like
enough to keep trying.
Please don't ever obsess over hair regrowth products.
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I took out my nose stud today
I looked like a trashy piece of shit
Why did everyone let me look like that?
I guess it's what I was surrounded by.
I'm glad I'm better, and that you're not
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Your constantly showing cameltoe and your gross skin
and your lame family and your lack of intelligence
and horrible self respect and disgusting body shape
all make me really sick
and I hope that if you ever get your dream bead shop
that you swallow all of the beads
or at least trip on a floor full of them and
crack your skull open
I can assure you I will be the demon who caused them all to fall and roll around
but no one will ever be able to prove it
except that I just wrote this stupid poem
because you piss me off.
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My ears are clogged
and my nose and my throat and my mind
I wish you could kiss them
and then tell me something really gross
because you make all the gross things funny
I don't feel good,
and I miss you.
I hope when you wake up and read all of my IMs
that you don't ask me if I was drunk
Maybe it's just hard for me to always be
what is contained in my heart
Maybe it only comes out when I don't feel good
because my brain connects differently
because everything is so stuffed
and maybe it makes me who I am
and it finally comes out
Just consume it and don't wait for the next time
as long as I keep getting sick, I promise we'll make it
I'm sorry that I'm so crazy and I will make sure
that every Spring I inhale as much pollen as possible
(I apologize in advance for sneezing all over you once or twice
but I don't mind your drooling, so maybe this is part of compromise.)
Besides, you should know of all people
that I don't drink anymore
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The deafer I get, the more scared that I get
if I keep on knowing what you say by watching your lips
I'm going to never want to stop kissing you
whatever it is that we have, it's inevitable
I'm sorry that you're stuck.
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You ask every day if I'm feeling any better
and I pull myself together and tell you yes
because you've taught me reasons to do this
and how
You always care, and you're always there
but when my head goes crazier, where will
you be? Will this all be a mistake then?
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You say you love me
and then you say it's in a friendly way
I call you my best friend and you say
"Oh great, we're back to that again"
You say that girls are too quick to say that
they are in love, so I learn to teach myself
that I am not in love, and never was
One night I get pissed at you and you say,
"You just like me too much, that's the problem."
The night before I go out with someone else that I'm starting to really like
you say, "Good. Have fun. I'm no good for you, I'm just trouble."
I come home and tell you you're all I thought about
and how I hated it.
You say that I'm in love with you months after this,
numerous times,
and then I say "No.. what are you, crazy?"
You drink down a pack of beers and you tell me
you've been dreaming about me
you've been thinking about me
but you can't tell me what about
and I know that this is because you think it will ruin everything
Or did you just brainwash me into thinking that through all this?
and then a few days later you text me
"I love you"
You say that love is a wasted word, and
only lucky special people deserve and receive true love
and then a few days later you tell me
"I don't think you understand how much I love you"
What the fuck are you doing.
"You doubt me, why do you doubt me?"
You ask and I can smell the alcohol on your breath through the phone
so I just laugh and pretend I have
no idea what you're talking about
Maybe it's the way you adore manipulation and power
Maybe it's the way you aspire to be a "real man"
We're a lethal pair
Who did this? And why?
Maybe they knew we were stupid enough to fall for each other
and not be sane enough to let it happen.
You're the most spectacular asshole I've ever met
I can't even call you an asshole
You're such an asshole.
I see this ending and you saying,
"Well, I told you so."
and me feeling suicidally insane all over again,
but pulling through miserably, as always.
I hope I just die this time.
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I wish I knew why frequent hospital visits
and watching people die
makes me want to make love more than ever.
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My doctor doesn't understand why I continue to strain my ears
Is it that you're embarrassed of having to wear hearing aids?
I like reading your lips, it keeps the passion alive
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You always want to fuck and
I always want to make love
and I will never forget the one day that you said
you want to make love
but then five seconds after you said, "well, not really"
I know you just got scared
When I get home I'm going to make love to you
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You try to tell me that two years of being there for me
does not mean at all that you're trying to play me -
you would not have put in that much effort.
I believe you and go to bed but I wake up and
I think that you're manipulating me again
and rewind and repeat and rewind and repeat
Sometimes I even bring myself to think that
the only reason you're still around is just so you can finally
get what you want and then brutally murder me
for being such a difficult task
such a pain in the ass
Then I remember that my fathers schizophrenia kicked in when he was around twenty four years old
and then I get really scared, and sorry
because i'm twenty now
and for this to be a beginning stage, it would make sense
but I won't have schizoprenia.
I don't think so, anyways.
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"keep talking to dirty to me"
and so, for once, i left you with
more than a sentence to turn into
a moving image
i've been getting scared
and tired of being a tease
because i don't want it to hurt us
but i still am not sure
that i can live up to the words
they're full of passion
but they may be empty
i blamed it on all the meds i'm on
"i'm not myself tonight, i think it's why i
gave in for once"
you said it felt great on the other end
and then said goodbye
I sat there and felt empty.
Will it be like this in bed?
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What The Hell Are You Doing?
well i'm going to be honest
and tell you you're not very good looking
but when i am in the mood
you sure do look good
it's just that i keep forgetting how bad you are
at everything
so i keep letting you try
i hope it doesn't make you feel worse about yourself | | |
| Because I can't sleep still.The truth is, the ones in the hospital were held back
When I tried to sleep at night, I let a waterfall
erupt as I hoped the only person I could talk to
would call, because no one else was a help.
Someone else came to my rescue and I was annoyed
because it wasn't who I wanted, and because,
by the end of the conversation, I realized his intentions:
Seduce the woman who won't give in to your years of attempting to pursue her by the act of
listening
when she has
no one else
in a time of extreme need, and vulnerability.
It was nothing new, but it didn't help my mood.
I couldn't really talk to him anyways.
No one is like you, but if I talked to you all you
would say is something like, "Well, you just
gotta keep your chin up, you're a good girl,
you can do it." No, no I can't.
I'm tired of doing it.
And maybe, you wouldn't even know what to say
because this time around, I would not have
pulled myself together for you
I was not about to let that waterfall die
as I indulged myself in "What Sarah Said"
which I had never seen before, just heard a lot
and realized that even though I was here,
drowning in this waterfall and lack of what I needed,
I didn't cut it all away anymore.
and that, to me, though years behind me,
has been a great progression.
I texted you yesterday, "I am having the worst day"
I got an "aw kissy kissy" in response but this time
it didn't really make me smile because it wasn't
on my lips
You texted me "How are ya feelin darlin'" today
but you didn't call,
and you still don't know why I wasn't feeling good.
Ironically, and unexpectedly, as I was about to end this,
you IM me saying, "perhaps I shall call m'lady this evening"
this wave of emotions, these ups and downs
all around
they are making me sick in and out.
But, somehow, still, hours after my phone rings within the next few minutes
I'll be able to fall asleep. | | |
| Not in order.A tear fell because
I had to say goodbye
and then a tear fell
because you're surviving again
and I
don't want you to.
A tear fell because
I wish I had the gift of a
father longer
and then a tear fell
because you probably
knew this.
A tear fell because
I remembered memories
I tried to forget
as the machine beeped you to heaven
and then a tear fell
because you smiled and said
I love you.
A tear fell because
I washed bad people
out of my life so
no one
calls anymore
and then a tear fell because
I thought, maybe I should
learn to ask for help
instead of wait.
A tear fell because
I sat and played sad songs
on repeat
as my mind tossed around sad thoughts
and happy ones gone
on repeat.
A tear fell because I felt
like no one cared
and like I didn't care about you
so, I am just as guilty.
A tear fell because I felt
like I wanted to make love
but I was so far away from him
because I'm here for you
even though I'm not.
A tear fell as I remembered
him saying that crying was weakness
and that everyone always told me I was
strong.
I want to be strong.
A tear fell as your mouth foamed
like a raccoon with rabies
as the overbuildup of phlegm in you
sang a song from my childhood.
A tear fell because even though
you made it through again, so far
you're really just so far.
A tear fell as I imagined I was making that
love that I needed
because I didn't deserve to feel happy
if even for a second.
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| Love has made me fucking stupid. I had about maybe three posts that were actually semi funny and they were monnnnths ago. If they are in fact not even funny to you, well the point is, they weren't written in a serious manner...they were more so my sarcastic crazy self.. crazy not being in the sense that I was drowning myself in high hopes of love. High hopes of love eh.
Yes, high hopes of love I say.
Now I say, down with high hopes of love.
Time to have fun again. You might want to know what the fuck I mean by that, because it might not make sense. but aha! You cannot trick me. I will not post a serious post filling you in. Maybe though, a relationship bashing one.  I refuse to make another serious post, unless it is my usual sarcastic or hateful manner. No more mushy YAWN crap, or depressing crap, because I am getting ridiculous. It all came to me the other day, when my friend Justin (whom I met on xanga about five years ago maybe) asked me to be on his friends radio show and I said sure. It was fun/hilarious, I plan on doing it every week now. When I figure out how, I'll post a link or some audio so that you can listen. Anyways, it reminded me that I'm funny, even though in a full of myself sort of way, I wake up every day knowing this. I saw a successful comedian for a while (dated didn't seem like the proper terminology at all, I hope "saw" cut it)("saw" cut it..haha funny funny. After I typed that I thought of sawing and grinding his skull in a creepy forest), who thought I could last in stand up much better than others. So that's a new goal, find some places to do stand up around here. I crack all my friends up. I'm weird, I'm random, I'm sarcastic, I see things interestingly and I'm a bitter fuck at times.. I'm pretty good at making people laugh, and making fun of the shit that drives us all crazy but we don't seem to realize it until someone points it out and then a group of xanga commenters go OMGZ I HATE THAT 2 but hopefully in my presence, everyone can use their basic spelling skills at the least. In other news, I was thinking and I think that life would be much more fun if I could hang out with people from xanga at least once a month, even the ones that seemingly hate me. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I am back. I feel alive. And I finally got a gym membership yesterday which by the end of it will have costed a total of seven hundred something dollars, most of which paid by my grandfather while I get my shit together, but I'll make it worth it. Oh! and question about that.. can someone explain to me how to use the sauna or whatever those sweating pore opening things are in the locker rooms so I can use them properly? Thank you. | | |
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