Anyone who knows me, knows how close and how much I adore my Grandparents.  Six years ago, December 27, I lost my grandpa unexpectedly.  This put my life into a whirlwind of loss of self identity.  Now Six years later, I still break down, I still cry, I still miss him.  Even though I know he is in a better place I still wish I could hug him one more time, tell him I love him one more time.  It took me about 6 months after losing him that I finally began seeing what God wanted for me and that he didn't want me to stay on the path I was on.  So I got back together with my boyfriend, Evaristo, who my grandpa adored, who I had broken up during my 'lost 6 months'.  Now we have been married almost 5 years, (March 15), we have two incredible, beatiful, daughters and a little boy on the way (Due March 22).  Both girls are named in some way after my Grandpa and so will the boy.

My grandma went into the Hospital two weeks ago and then transferred to ICU, I immediately purchased a plane ticket and flew down.  I needed to be with her.  It was terrible seeing her the way she was, I couldn't talk to her because they had her under sedation so she wouldn't pull out the tubes they had going into her lungs and stomach.  I only was able to stay for a couple days and come back home for my family and the girls.  A few days later, she started progressing and improving.  They took her off of the ventilator, they removed the tubes, and she was able to talk.  Her voice was real soft, like when you lose your voice, and you had to listen very closely.  I was able to talk to briefly twice and tell her that I love her and that the girls love her.  The next two days I didn't call the hospital only because they were telling me that she wasn't talking and was sleeping non stop, so I didn't want to disturb her.  Then it happened, at work I received an email from my uncle that says you should call the hospital, grandma isn't doing to well.  It was an hour or so before my lunch break and I was working on a project and decided I would wait to call until I left for lunch.  So right when I left I called my mom first to see if she had any updates, and I was told that they put her in critical care and that there was a doctor working on her.  They were under the impression that her stomach or intestines had burst.  Then when I was back to work I called my mom to check in again for any additional updates.  Then it happened. She had a beep and said she would call me back.  Not even a minute later my phone rang.  I answered and I knew right away what the conversation had in store.  All she said was "that was aunt Jane".  I felt my heart sink.  I knew what happened.  

So yesterday I lost my grandma.  Now I'm sitting here, not knowing what to do.  I feel completely helpless.  I've tried contacting the friends closest to me who knew my grandma.  (And if you read this and haven't called, please call me).  I don't know what to do. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and I am having to confront one of my worst fears all over again.  Everyone, please pray for me, for my baby.  I'm having to stay focused on the girls and work so I wont break down.  I will be leaving for San Angelo probably saturday or sunday.  Ev will be back in town by then so my mom and I will go down together and he will stay home with the girls. 

I hope to talk to everyone soon.

Love,

Sarah