be_mused's Xanga

Why I hate ERM:

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:55:01 GMT

“Well, there’s a balance that has to be found there. And yes, I mean. And. Well. If you told people that they could opt out – just, you know. Mortality instrument. Ethical implications are in that. Individuals.”

– Dr. Roeder

The week in pictures.

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 20:36:27 GMT

The Showdown - Here's to the Year

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 23:51:33 GMT

Blacking out
Spitting gravel grinding teeth
Coming home
To just how desperately we need
Bloodshot eyes
Half filled holes and weakened knees
This is consequence
This is shedding skin

We’re so obvious
Sharpen rocks to break our fall
So obedient
To what bends and breaks us all
We’re just passengers
Binding time between the lines
Here’s to the year
Here’s to nothing at all

So confused...

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 00:31:50 GMT

I have no idea if I even know what I'm supposed to be doing right now - much less if I'd be able to do it if I did.

I don't even know what I WANT right now, much less what the "right thing" is to do. When I think I've figured things out, I start second guessing myself - "Is that really what you want? Imagine if you actually made that move... Is that really the right thing to do? Or are just reading into your conscience?"

I want to go back to the days when I felt internally conflicted... this whole emotional/moral/wtf soup is screwing me up.

Anyway, here's a short film I've been showing off lately. It happens to be currently applicable.

Oh. Wow. Conviction. blinks

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 23:50:58 GMT

My whole life, I’ve been content to get by with salvation. Since I know Christ has decided to love me for eternity, I’ve never seen the urgency to build a personal relationship with him now.

....Yes, I know it’s important – but so are the other things in life. Right?

....Yes, I want it – but there are so many short term indiscretions I’d rather wait to give up.

Every time someone talks about being happy in Christ alone, I flinch. (ie. a recent chapel message.) Not much, but I do. It’s not that I love other things more than Him…
...but at the moment, there are other things in my life I need to be happy – grades, career success, relationships, etc.

Yes, I'm supposed to be using those to further his mission on earth... But without those things, I know I’d be unhappy. So instead, they're getting in the way of my relationship WITH Him.

It’s weird – nowhere does the Lord ask me to give up those things… only to shift my source of joy from them completely on to him completely.

So simple. And I can’t do it.

*WHAM* – God speaks.

I thought my current problems were being caused someone else’s indecision. Forget that.

…my current problems are God’s current problems with me.

He’s making it painfully obvious: “You’re asking of others what you refuse to give to God himself.”

Ouch. Ok.

Hold everything, I've got another lesson to learn.

…

…..

………

PS - Here’s a related poem written by Adelaide Anne Procter that someone randomly mailed to me yesterday (God's timing). It hit me on a number of levels and is titled (somewhat ironically):

“A Woman’s Question”

Before I trust my fate to thee,
Or place my hand in thine,
Before I let thy future give
Color and form to mine,
Before I peril all for thee, question thy soul to-night for me.

I break all slighter bonds, nor feel
A shadow of regret:
Is there one link within the past
That holds thy spirit yet?
Or is thy faith as clear and free as that which I can pledge to thee?

Does there within thy dimmest dreams
A possible future shine,
Wherein thy life could henceforth breathe,
Untouched, unshared by mine?
If so, at any pain or cost, O, tell me before all is lost.

Look deeper still. If thou canst feel,
Within thy inmost soul,
That thou hast kept a portion back,
While I have staked the whole,
Let no false pity spare the blow, but in true mercy tell me so.

Is there within thy heart a need
That mine cannot fulfil?
One chord that any other hand
Could better wake or still?
Speak now - lest at some future day my whole life wither and decay.

Lives there within thy nature hid
The demon-spirit change,
Shedding a passing glory still
On all things new and strange?
It may not be thy fault alone, - but shield my heart against thy own.

Couldst thou withdraw thy hand one day
And answer to my claim,
That Fate, and that to-day's mistake -
Not thou - had been to blame?
Some soothe their conscience thus; but thou wilt surely warn and save me now.

Nay, answer not, - I dare not hear,
The words would come too late;
Yet I would spare thee all remorse,
So, comfort thee, my Fate, -
Whatever on my heart may fall - remember, I would risk it all!

....

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 16:53:57 GMT

I don't understand.

Any of this.

And that's the only thing worse than knowing.

Why, again? Why again?

I've given up asking for allies on this one...

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 23:34:29 GMT

...right now I could be happy with less-dogmatic enemies.

And on a slightly related note... here are some enemies (allies?) I'd like to have.
Check out the coolest dancing Koreans you'll see today:

Same Song

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 09:04:51 GMT

second verse

*opening stanza*

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 10:18:52 GMT

run:

\\\cmd \query... <right> <thing>
\\\searching... C:\ (onscience)\gut_instincts.gif
\\\searching... C:\ (onscience)\head_knowledge.exe
\\\searching... C:\ (onscience)\revelation.god
...cannot open/file type not recognized.
\\\searching... C:\ (onscience)\auto_pilot_procedures.doc
> 0 result(s) found
> retry?

(y) (n)

Of double stuff oreos...

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 09:22:07 GMT

"Just to See You Smile" - Tim McGraw

You always had an eye for things that glittered
But I was far from being made of gold
I don’t know how that I scraped up the money
I just never could quite tell you no
Just like when you were leaving Amarillo
To take that new job in Tennessee
And I quit mine so we could be together
I cant forget the way you looked at me

Just to see you smile
I’d do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I’d never count the cost
It’s worth all that’s lost
Just to see you smile

When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
‘Cause leaving didn’t hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rolling down your face
And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walking up to me with him
So I told you that I was happy for you
And given the chance I’d lie again

I’d do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I’d never count the cost
Its worth all that’s lost
Just to see you smile