So i have gone from lost to manic depressive to fairly happy (now) all in one day. I just shouldn't be awake during the day and be awake at night instead. I guess i'm working on that one , but until i get a new job at night i still have to up obnoxiously early and all that bullshit. I need to update this more instead of when i should be sleeping ( which i'm obviously not....) . oops. Um so basically i'm looking for a new job, dropping most of my clases at school, and looking at moving again. It all seems so simple when put into one sentence ... so of course now i feel silly for feeling like i'm having a fucking breakdown and shit, but gah. I guess i'll have to go into more detail later cause i don't know how to write this at the moment. I will update tomorrow and not drive halfway across the country instead of going to school ( yes i actually did that today.. halfway across the state but stilll.... ( whines) .

So i willl update tomorrows ... i promise myself ( i  am at least good at keeping promises to me)

Oh and on the good side i've been a non smoker for two weeks :)

I am lost in apathetic ideals and overwelmed by my own thoughts. I want to just "be" and be left alone for a little while. I want a few days off work. I want to get ahead in school because i feel rather lost and behind at the moment.

I am quiting smoking ... again ( we'll see if it lasts this time). I colored my hair dark again ( i hate haveing naturally strawberry light blonde hair).

I am really sad? I don't know what i am ... I am fat . I am fat fat fat.... a fucking fatty. At least i know that.

I guess i write entries while at school now... intriguing in itself. I just finished up the homework for my next class and decided i would start my psych paper tonight because i would rather just do it all at once instead of constantly spacing it out and all. So I will update this even though i don't think i have made any changes in the past few days ( other than wearing this sweater which i have decided makes me look fat....) .

I have come to the conclusion that my life will work itself out and the direction is unknown ( even to myself). I guess all i can do is keep striving and trying and working and living and the direction itself will take it's own turn. This scares me not to know where i will end up or who/ what i will be, but it seems to make sense in my own mind at the moment. The idea itself makes me feel a bit at ease because in the worst case scenario i die and i don't necessary consider that to be that bad. lol

Well i am going to go smoke and eventually head off to class....

I have a feeling i am very sleep deprived ... i slept in to three today. Granted it was a waking sleeping cycle that wasn't continuous but still i slept from 1 in the morning until two thirty five. So of course now i'm wide awake. Gah sometimes i hate what i do to myself but at least i feel quite rested.

My weight is creeping down and the muscles are showing more and more along with the lovely bones that have been hidden for far to long. Granted i am not being to dangerous about losing this time because i have to much to lose this time. i finally feel as if i have a life of sorts. Not the life i used to have but a life none the less. I am scared of where this one might be leading but it's much better than the one i used to live. I have hope and ambition. I have scandal and intrigue. Although for some reason i choose to be home by myself on a saturday night... So i am still a loner but that is something that remains a constant for me. People annoy me far too much to constantly be surrounded by them.

I called the boy yesterday b/c i thought it was his birthday but it turns out it was today. Either way i still ended up talking for an hour. I am so confused he didn't mention anything about seeing me... I don't get it? Does he want me? Because i would assume he would want to see me and not just talk to me. Am i supposed to ask to see him? I just don't know i am so terribly confused. I am soo soo soo confused.... so i guess in time i'll figure it out or he will just fade away like other people have.

hmmm... i should start doing something useful here soon i suppose. lol

he called again on monday.... I am so confused as to whether or not he wants me or if he is just being decent or i don't know what. I absolutely love talking to him. He is seriously one of the smartest people i have ever met. I am going to call him tomorrow to wish him happy birthday... i would like to call him tonight but i have chickened out. I just can't get a read on him or understand him. This is so annoying because i am usually so good at understanding people and i know what they think and all that shit , but not him. Sighs....

School is going well and i am tired from the week.... I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to see if the ankle i had surgery on when i was seventeen needs to have surgery again. I am lost and scared. I am confused. I am feeling rather lost at the moment and i don't know what else to write. So i will write more tomorrow.